Speech by Paul James

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul James
Speech Date: sep 2003
Good Afternoon! For those who don't know me, I'm P, M's younger brother and
I have the dubious honour of being Best Man today.

Before I start what is bound to be a memorable and hilarious speech, I have
a quick safety announcement to make – please could you refrain from getting
up on top of the chairs and tables during my standing ovation. Thanks.

Ok, first things first, on behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank M for
his kind words. I think everybody would agree that they look absolutely
fantastic and have done an excellent job in making today a very emotional
occasion. Look! – even the cake's in tiers!

When M asked me to be his best man a few months ago I was initially thrilled
at the prospect. But it didn't take long for this feeling of well being to
dissolve into utter apprehension as I remembered the last time I had to
stand up in front of a room full of people.

I was found guilty and fined £200…

So I hope you'll be a bit more forgiving and lenient than the last lot were.

I know that there are other people, old school friends and the like, who M
could have asked to be his Best Man. But I guess M likes you!

He also had an added incentive in making me stand here before you today – I
put him through the ordeal a few years ago as MY Best Man. Revenge is sweet
eh? Seriously though, it's an honour to be your Best Man, and thanks for
asking.

>From what I remember, M did a fine job of his Best Man's speech for me, so I
thought I'd better make a reasonable effort to return the favour. But I'm a
busy man so instead I've cobbled together lots of bits from other speeches
I've stolen from an internet site called www.hitched.co.uk. The wonders of
the world wide web!

You'll be relieved to hear that I'm only going to speak for a few minutes –
because of my throat – if I go on too long my wife has threatened to cut it.

I should of course formally congratulate the happy couple, and tell E how
beautiful she looks. You look one in a million. M, on the other hand, looks
"won in a raffle". No, you've scrubbed up pretty well Mr J, although I'm a
bit peeved you've so blatantly copied my outfit today.

I have of course already congratulated M on his nuptuals. I said to him "M,
you know you'll always look back on today as the happiest day of your life."
That was yesterday.

For those that don't know M so well, I thought I'd give you a little
background about him.

He was born in 1969 – a momentous year not ONLY because of his birth, but
also because it saw man's first walk on the moon, Concorde's maiden flight,
and the first broadcast of Monty Python's Flying Circus. Wasn't it also the
last year City won the FA Cup?

M proved to be more than capable at school. Secondary school reports of an
enthusiastic, hard working, gifted and successful student regularly arrived
at home. But these were MY reports! M's reports were diabolical! No, if only
that were the case…..Our mum kindly lent me some of his old school reports
and, having ploughed through them, I have to say that M was generally a very
good boy. I don't think he EVER had a detention, and his teachers
consistently described him as "sensible", "hardworking" and "honest". Swot.

It was probably these characters that prompted the woodwork teacher, Mr F,
to invite M to join the School Band. If you knew Mr F, you'd know that this
was the sort of invitation you didn't turn down. M was a member for 5 years,
excelling in the art of the euphonium. That was one of the largest
instruments in the band – I think he chose it deliberately so he had an
excuse not to take it home every night.

It was on a band trip to Blackpool at the age of 14 that M got his first
taste for alcohol. M had obviously decided he'd reached the point in his
life where he needed to see what this "lager" stuff was all about. He
therefore partook of several cans of Tennants Extra Strong Lager. The
inevitable result was an evening of intoxication and monkey impressions on
his bedroom window sill.

He hasn't looked back since.

M's been a great older brother, and he's always been there for me. When I
was little and fell off my bike, scraping the skin off my elbows, Mark was
there. When I got bitten by P S's dog – do you remember that? – M was there.
And when a bunch of unsavoury girls from G School pinned me to the ground
and cut off clumps of my hair, M was there. In fact, thinking about it,
you're a bloody jinx!

As you might know M quite likes a bit of football. Unfortunately though as a
lifelong Man City season ticket holder, some of you, particularly those who
took the easy option of supporting the Reds, might think he hasn't got to
watch much football in the last 30-odd years. And you'd probably be right.

But something good HAS come of his obsession with Man City. If it wasn't for
his passion for the Blues, M and E probably wouldn't be married today. Each
morning on his daily commute to work, M would drive past a Corsa parked in
the street with a City sticker in the window. At the same time each morning
he'd also see this sophisticated, attractive female leave her house and
climb into that car.

VERY out of character for M, he decided to do something drastic, something
romantic – without even knowing her name, he ordered flowers to be delivered
to her house, accompanied by a poem with his mobile phone number, inviting
her to give him a call.

Amazingly, E called the number and, not having the benefit of ever having
seen M, agreed to meet up for a drink. EVEN MORE amazingly, after meeting
up, she seemed to like him! And he liked her, and they hit it off right from
the word go.

And it's no wonder – having got to know E over the past year or so it's
become clear to me that they are very well suited and share lots of
interests. I've no doubts they're going to have a long and happy marriage.

Well M, before I finish, my final task is supposed to be to give you some
advice that'll help in this marriage lark. I've been married for almost 4
-sorry what does that say J – oh yes – "extremely enjoyable" years, and the
3 top tips that have helped me are:

Firstly – It's important to get on with your mother-in-law. I didn't
speak to mine for two years. NOT because I don't like her… It's just I
think it's rude to interrupt.
Secondly – If you're having a blazing row, don't go to bed angry… stay
up and argue!
And thirdly – Don't forget your wedding anniversary! As I found out to
my peril, the best way to remember it is to forget it once.

Right, you'll be pleased to know that that's me done. All that's left for me
to do is to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to M
and E, the new Mr and Mrs J. We wish them well for the future and hope they
enjoy a long and happy marriage. To M and E!