Speech by Paul John McMenamin

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul John McMenamin
Speech Date: MAY 200
1 – INTRODUCTION:
They say that being asked to be Best Man at a wedding is a bit like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother – Everyone thinks it's a great honour, but nobody actually wants to do it! I think myself today that it's a wee bit like inheriting a hareem. I know what to do – I just don't know where to start.

However, on behalf of the bridesmaids and myself, I would like to thank Martin for his kind words there. For once I have to agree with him and say that not only do Nicole and Linda look absolutely stunning, but that they have both done an excellent job today.
I must also add that the bride herself, Lesley, is absolutely beautiful today and I'm sure everyone here today would agree that she looks wonderful, particularly in light of the week that she's had leading up to the wedding. Not many of you will actually know this, but Lesley got her credit card nicked on Monday. However don't get too alarmed – Martin says it's OK – he's not reporting it to the police because whoever nicked it is spending less than Lesley did!

I was really honoured when Martin asked me to be his best man today and I would just like to say that it is privilege to stand here and tell you a little bit about my best mate.
Before I start however, I've just been handed a message for Arlene – The pharmacy at your work has been broken into and someone has stolen all the Viagra. The police have been to the scene and are on the lookout for a hardened criminal!

So what can I say about Martin? Well, Martin and I have been through a lot together. – thankfully however none of them were able to make it along here tonight though! We first met at primary school and have been friends for longer than either of us care to remember. However, for those of you who have known him a long time, I'm sure you would agree that he wasn't always the tall dark adonis you see sitting before you today and it is true to say that the young Martin Forrest wasn't the brawest bairn in the maternity ward. In fact, he was that ugly when he was born, the midwife actually slapped Isobel and John! Not many of you will know this but he was nearly christened “Friday” instead of “Martin”, because when John arrived at the hospital to see his new baby, he took one look into the cot and said “Phw…Right…That's it Isobel – We're calling it a day!”
Seriously though, he is my best friend and we've shared many chapters in our lives, a few of which I'd like to tell you about today.

2 – IT'S NOT THE WINNING – IT'S THE TAKING APART:
Over the years Martin has taken part in a number of different sports, each with differing levels of success. He has had a go at Football, Cricket, Athletics, Show-jumping and Golf to name a few, most of which proved very successful.
Most that is. I remember when we were in sixth year at school and every Monday afternoon, our PE teachers took us over to Bearsden Ski Club for skiing lessons. Now if I remember right, Martin had missed the first two or three weeks because he was either away on holiday or away with the horses. On the third or fourth week however – Martin's first day there – they split us into 3 groups – Beginners, Intermediate and Advanced. Now I had done a wee bit of skiing before when I was younger so they put me in the Advanced group and because it was Martin's first day, he was told to go in the Beginner's group. Being a true friend however, Martin decided he would just skip in with my group when no-one was watching. Being the so-called advanced group, the instructor said we could have a crack at coming down the full slope, including the really steep bit at the top, and we had to do a wee slalom in and out the cones that had been laid out for us. So one by one, we all got on the chair-lift, Martin included, and headed towards the top. When we finally got to the top though, we stood there in intrepid anticipation. “Who would like to go first”, asked the instructor. No answer. We were all too scared. “OK son. You go first”, he said pointing at Martin. “Just remember all the things you've been taught, bend your knees, lean in to the slalom on the outside edge of your leading foot and do a snowplough to stop at the bottom”.
“Nae bother to me” said Martin. Right then, watch this boys”
A wee push with his sticks he was off.
“Lean” shouted the instructor. Woosh went Martin. Straight past the first cone. Past the second. Getting faster. And faster. Straight past the third cone. Then suddenly he dropped his poles and let out this bloodcurling scream – “Aaaargh!”.
At that moment, he then took this sudden 40mph veer to the right, screamed across the path of 2 old women and ploughed out of site into this small forest of conifer trees at the side of the slope. It was deathly quiet. A few of the other instructors raced to the crash site. Still no sign of Martin. Then what felt like ages later a branch moved. Next minute a smiling Martin then appeared at the side of the slope, skis slung over his shoulder, covered in pine-needles and scratches. He walked out onto the slope picked up his poles and shouted back up to the instructor at the top – “That was brilliant mate – but do you know what? I think I'd be better off in the Intermediate section!”

Now you would have thought that experience would spell the end of Martin's extra-curriculur school activities, but more was to follow. 1988 – County Sports. Scotstoun Showground, Glasgow. Each school in the area had to provide some marshalls for a particular event and in St Ninian's case it was the shot putt. Martin had agreed to go along and help – pick up the shots, measure the distance, etc. However, in our year at school, there was a guy who was a really good runner and a favourite to win the men's 5000m race. However, on the day, someone had dropped out the race and because only 5 competitors were left, the organisers threatened to cancel it completely. “I need a volunteer” said our PE teacher. “Anybody at all” “Come on Martin, what about you? Just start the race son and then you can drop out whenever you like”. After one lap, however a murmer went round the crowd…”Who's that athlete in the lead?” “Don't know –his number's not listed in the programme”. After another lap however, Martin had slipped back down through the field and actually was just about to be lapped – an unfortunate event which would happen another twice before the end of the race. All the other competitors had actually finished and were in the shower as Martin struggled on to complete the distance, but in true Olympic Spirit, he was determined to finish. Now, I would be exaggerating if I said it was starting to get dark by the time he approached the bell but as it rang to signal his last lap, half the crowd actually got up and left, thinking it was the last orders bell at the pub! Nah, I'm only kidding –I have to be honest and say that as Martin came round that final bend, he got the biggest cheer of the day and watching him, the tears were streaming down my cheeks as he came down the home straight. Tears of laughter mind, watching as he put in a sprint finish and then dipped as he crossed over the finishing line!
Anyway, I've got something for you. It's been lying in a box at St Ninian's for 13 years, but when the teachers heard you were getting married, they asked me to present it to you today in recognition of your achievements all those years ago..…
*** WOODEN SPOON***

3 – DIY (DISASTERS)
A few years ago Martin took up DIY as a hobby when he got a drill as a present. Now anybody who knows Martin and Lesley know that they always say “Yeah, pop round to the house – our door is always open” – what they don't know is that it's always open cos the lock's broken and Martin has never quite managed to fix it! Actually, that's not quite true, but since he has taken up DIY, Martin has had one or two minor mishaps, isn't that right mate?
Now I've got this uncanny knack of always managing to arrive just after these mishaps have happened and once or twice I've walked into the aftermath, when popping my head into the kitchen after not having seen my friends for weeks, I've met Lesley, only to be greeted with those immortal welcoming words of “Hiya Paul. You'll never guess what that numpty's done now!”
I remember a time not long after Lesley and Martin had moved into their house when they got their kitchen done up. After the joiner had been, Martin's mum Isobel, had then come up one day and as a nice wee surprise painted their kitchen wallpaper for them. Then when Martin came home, he decided that the only remaining job to do was to paint the window frames. Great idea, except that he used masking tape to cover the wallpaper. Guess what happened when once he'd finished, he grabbed an end of the tape and ripped it all off?!
There have been one or two other small incidents in our time also. There was the time recently when he was fitting an outdoor tap which unfortunately ended up in Lesley having to phone a plumber. It was just like in that Yellow Pages Advert. According to Martin, “it came with all the wrong bits!”
But I think his finest hour was when we were sitting in their living room one day and the ceiling fell in. What a mess – wet debris everywhere. Nobody could understand what had happened until Martin said he'd noticed that a corner of the ceiling had appeared to be sinking worse and worse over the last few days. “How could that have ever happened?” asked Lesley. I have to be honest and say that it was a very sheepish Martin who took Colin and I upstairs later on and pointed out a floorboard which had been squeaky a couple of weeks before and which he had straightened up. Further inspection by Colin showed that our boy here had managed to put a nail right through the centre of a central heating pipe causing it to leak drip by drip on to the plaster ceiling below! Anyway bad luck possibly or the tradesman from hell maybe, I'm not sure, but in an effort to try and ensure matrimonial bliss between my two best friends from now on, Wendy and I went to B&Q and picked these up for you Martin–
*** DIY INSTRUCTION SHEETS ***
However, just in case that fails, Wendy and I thought we'd better get Lesley some DIY essentials of her own–
*** FIRST AID KIT ***
***YELLOW PAGES***
We've even marked out the tradesman pages with post-its for you Lesley!

4 – HOLIDAYS UNCOVERED
I've had the pleasure of going on holiday with Martin a number of times and to be honest, we've had some really good laughs together. I remember about 8 or 9 years ago when we went to Ibiza on an 18-30 holiday. We had an absolutely brilliant time and I remember one of the things we did was go on this all-day “Booze-Cruise”. Now, as some of you might know, Martin can't swim and I remember that on the morning we were due to go he was a wee bit apprehensive about going on the boat. However as the day wore on we had been plied with gallons of free drink and I guess any apprehension he might have had that morning had by now worn off. The boat stopped in a cove to do this thing called “Champagne Diving”, where they throw bottles of champagne off the boat and brave people then have to dive in after them if they want them. Before the first bottle had even hit the water, guess who was first in the queue and had to be restrained by about 4 reps from launching himself from the top deck with all his clothes on?
I remember that same day that they took us to over to a little island for a barbecue after which we played some drinking & party games, as you do on these holidays. We had a bit of trouble trying to get him back on the boat back to Ibiza after that, as he fell asleep on the beach. As everybody was shaking him and trying to wake him up, all he kept saying was “just leave me here – I'll get a taxi back later on”!
Another fond holiday memory was a few years later, when all the boys went to Tunisia for a golfing holiday, the highlight of which was when Martin did The Full Monty in the local night-club to the Tom Jones song “You can leave your hat on”. I have to be honest and say that it wasn't a pretty sight and I really do wish he had left more than his hat on, but will remember it vividly for the rest of my life (as much as I'm trying to forget it), particularly because it was on that night I learned my first few words of Arabic from one of the barmaids in the club. Apparently, “el al khartouna rabantija, Sylvia” is Arabic for “Look at that eejit on the dancefloor Sylvia” and “el al harbotten kalista, Mabel” means “That's not much to get excited about, now is it Mabel”!
Now unfortunately, I've was blethering with the band earlier and the drummer was telling me that they do a Tom Jones set. So just to be on the safe side, and particularly because my wife will be watching, I would like to ask Martin if he wouldn't mind flinging these on just in case!
*** Y-FRONTS***
And just in case he decides to go for it again Lesley, to make sure you don't miss anything, you're probably going to need this-
***MAGNIFYING GLASS***

5 – MARTIN FORREST, FORECOURT MANAGER
I remember one night about ten years ago Martin and I were in the petrol station shop when this big American Cadillac pulled in to the forecourt. Quick as a flash Martin was out at the pumps.
“Can I help you sir” he said to the driver. “Fill her up with 4-star son” said the man in an American accent. Martin got blethering to the guy and his passenger and it turned out that him and his friend had just come over from America for a month for a self-drive golfing holiday and they were just driving back to their hotel in Edinburgh, after playing a round at what was the brand new Loch Lomond golf course. Martin was admiring the cadillac as he was pouring in the petrol. “That's some car you've got there mate” he said.
“Do you like it son? That's ma Cadillac DeVille. Has everything money can buy”.
“Really? Like what?” asked Martin. “Well son….Power Steering. Power Seats. Power Sunroof. 10 deck CD player. 100Watt 8 Speaker Stereo. Satellite Navigation. Fridge. Microwave. Digital Instruments. And best of all.… 8.8 Litre V12 Engine!”
“Absolutely unbelievable” said Martin. “Anyway mate…that'll be £40-22p please. The American gave him two £20 notes out his wallet and went into his pocket for the loose change. As he was counting out the loose coins, Martin noticed these two wee plastic things in amongst them that had also come out his pocket. “What are those mate?” he asked. “They're my tees son” said the American. “I use them to sit my balls on when I'm going to drive”.
Martin turned round and shouted to me – “Hey Paolo – Come and see this” said Martin – “These guys at Cadillac think of everything!”
As you might expect from that, it came as a great surprise that Martin chose a career in the automobile industry – I did see him rebuilding an entire engine once, but the fact that he managed to do it through the exhaust pipe suggested he'd probably make a better gynocologist!
But Martin and cars? Naaah…….Over the years he has been quite unlucky – radiators exploding on him, people reversing in to him and bits flying off lorries and landing on his car.
As well as his bad luck, he was never the most technically minded either. I can't let today go without telling you about the time when his car broke down in Fife. He telephoned Brian, the mechanic at the garage, and explained to him that he was stuck and what had happened.
“What gear were you in when the engine cut out?” asked Brian, to which Martin replied with the immortal words of “What gear….Hmmmm…..My Timberland shirt and Levi Jeans.”.

6 – M & M
I mentioned earlier that Martin is a bit of an all round sportsman, but perhaps his greatest sporting love of all is show-jumping. In his younger years in particular, Martin excelled at the sport and gained a significant amount of recognition, including representing Scotland on a number of occasions, qualifying for the Horse of the Year show at Wembley Arena, and winning a number of other important classes ahead of some of the UK's top young riders at that time.
It must be said though, that all his success did come at a price. The commitment involved in Martin's final years in ponies did have it's impact on his schooling and he had to miss a fair amount of lessons. Martin was an ideal pupil and excelled in many classes.… Sorry I've read that wrong folks…..Martin was an idle pupil and was expelled from many classes!
….I'm actually just kidding….but like I say, unfortunately, his showjumping commitments did have it's impact on his schooling. I remember that when the teachers read out the register for our class and he was absent, I would always tell them that he was away on his holidays. One day, our maths teacher was going through the names… “Boyle – Present Miss” “Christie – Present Miss”
“Forrest”…..no answer ……………”Forrest”……
“He's on holiday miss”, I shouted out.
“What? On holiday again? For goodness sake that's 15 days in the last month– I'll need to write to his mother about this – does anybody know her name at all?”
To which a wee smart-ass up the back replied “Judith Chalmers miss”!
You might think I'm joking but our English Teacher actually christened Martin “God” – because he was rarely seen and it was a miracle whenever he did any work!
Representing your country in International Sporting Competition however is something most young sportsmen can only dream of, but Martin did it with pride, a feat which puts him in the esteemed company of a priveleged few who can say that they too have done it – esteemed company such as Tom “The Bellshill Bullet” McKean, Eddie “The Eagle” Edwards and Alan “Whit on earth was that Perm aw aboot?” Rough.
Now as we all know, show-jumping is about a partnership and Martin will be the first to acknowledge that the majority of his success was as much attributable to his old grey pony, Silver Moon IV. The England football team used to have a deadly striking partnership nicknamed the SAS (Shearer and Sheringham) but I can reveal that The Sun actually stole this idea from the Scottish Farmer of the late 1980’s where once you could read about the exploits of the M&M partnership of Martin and Moonie. Their greatest moment came when they qualified for the final of the Christy Beaufort at the Horse of the Year Show and I'm sure it is an event that Martin and all his friends and family are extremely proud of and one which they will never ever forget. Sadly, old Moonie is no longer with us these days, but I'm quite sure he's up there somewhere today, watching down on Martin with a smile on his face and holding a can of Guiness in his hoof, maybe even thinking something along the lines of “Well I hope he performs better in the saddle tonight” – well that's actually the clean version of what I think he might be thinking – I'm sure there's a joke about a ‘better ride’ in there somewhere!
I have to say that I've just reminded myself of the time when Martin & Lesley were looking for a room or a suite to stay in the castle tonight and the receptionist said to him “Listen Sir, seen as it's your wedding night, would you like the bridal” to which Martin replied “Nah you're alright mate, I'll just hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it!”

7 – WHERE'S THE BURDS?
Apart from show-jumping, and of course Lesley, Martin's other great love is football, and in particular, Celtic. Over the year's Martin and I have followed them through thick and thin and believe me, there has been a lot of thin.
I'm sure Lesley knows that if she means as much to Martin as Celtic do, then she can let him down every other week, fail to perform on the big occasion and cost him a barrell-load of money, yet he'll still shrug his shoulders, proclaim he'll love her ‘til the day he dies and tell all his mates that he's confident that things will turn around come next August!
I remember one year during the early nineties in particular, when Martin and I followed Celtic everywhere. We even went to Berne in Switzerland to see them play in a UEFA cup match. The highlight of that trip was when the two of us became the centre of attention in this pub next to our hotel in Basle where we were staying. We were loving it – blethering to all the locals. We thought were really friendly cos they kept cuddling us, buying us drinks and stuff – all very amiable. It was only at the end of the night before we realised that there was only men in the pub and no women because it was a Gay Bar! –  but overall, it must be said that 24 hours there on a bus, and then 24 hours all the way back, for nothing more than the most boring nil-nil draw I've ever watched through one half shut eye in my life, was not what I'd call my greatest moment as a Celtic fan. One freezing Boxing Day that same season, we drove all the way up to Aberdeen to see yet another 0-0 draw. Stark's Park, Kircaldy a few months earlier – 0-0. Easter Road, Edinburgh? Guess what? 0-0. Even at home, we failed to score in over half the games that season and Martin and I can proudly say we were there at every one!
Now coincidently at that time, Martin and I were going through a bit of a lean time on the girlfriends front too. Neither of us were having much luck chatting up women (as opposed to Swiss men!), although we did usually blame it on the fact we were always standing in the pub next to Colin. It might however, have been our usual approach of hanging around outside the ladies toilet, where we would wait patiently for a couple of drunk women to come limping out like a pair of wounded wilderbeests. Then again, it might have been Martin's dodgy chat-up line of “Hullo There Doll….This is my first night out in Bellshill – where's the best place to go?” until he got the regular reply of “Whit are ye oan aboot ya chancer – Ye tried that wan oan ma pal last week!”. It might even have been the fact that once we both tried to grow moustaches to make us look a wee bit older so that we would have no trouble getting past strict bouncers, and in fact actually ended up looking like a pair of bad Charlie Chaplin impersonators.
Nowadays however, as I sit back and reflect on those good old times, or as my mum and Isobel prefer to call them, “The Wilderness Years”, I have developed a wee theory which I'd like to demonstrate to you:
*** SHOW GRAPH ***
It has become increasingly apparent to me that over the last 10 or 12 years, Martin and I's success on the women-pulling front actually bears a very close and direct correlation to Celtic's goal scoring performance on the park.
Let me explain.
For example…if you can see this graph, both Martin and my love-lives picked up around the time we signed star stikers Jorge Cadette, Paulo di Canio and Pierre Van Hoojidonk who scored over 50 goals between them in one year, as is highlighted at point ‘A’ on the graph.
However, both Celtic's good goal scoring record and Martin and I's woman pulling performance would prove to be shortlived as you can see from point ‘B’ a couple of years later , when any sexual magnetism either of us might have had, completely disappeared the day we first clapped eyes on Harald Brattback.
Bet you never thought you'd ever ever here the words ‘sexual magnetism’ and ‘Harald Brattback’ in the same sentence!
And as you can see from the relative trends, that's the way it has been ever since – When Celtic score goals and do well –, the boys do well on the women front. You must agree that this theory has been even more evident this summer.
It surely cannot just be coincidence that in the same year as both Martin and I have finally gotten married to two wonderful women who mean the world to us, Celtic have finally won the treble for the first time in over 60 years, qualified for the Champions’ League group stages and Henrik Larsson has scored 53 goals in one season to win the European Golden Boot! Spooky or what eh?
So anyway, to cut a long story short, I wanted do something special for Martin and Lesley today. I thought about it long and hard before finally coming up with this. As their best man, I feel it is my duty to ensure that the first night of Martin and Lesley's married life together is not a disappointment.– there'll be enough time for that later on – so based on what I call McMenamin's theory of relativity, there is only one way to make their wedding night go with a bang. What could be better than giving Martin the only thing possible these days to guarantee him putting in a top performance and scoring on his wedding night – …….… this!
*** LARSSON MASK***
*** LARSSON ‘7′ SHIRT ***
Now I must point out to everyone here that Martin is the lucky one. I made the mistake of telling my wife, Wendy, about my theory of relativity, and since she and I have gotten married, to make sure I have absolutely no chance of getting chatted up anymore, look what I'm forced to wear whenever I go out to the pub…I mean…what chance have I got of scoring when I'm wearing this……???
***CASCARINO ‘9′ T-SHIRT***
I have to say though that there is someone else here today, that's got an even worse record than Tony Cascarino has of scoring. You would think that having to wear a shirt with his name on it is bad enough and that it would give you absolutely no chance with women, but I want you all to try and think what it must be like trying to chat up girls and score when you're forced to sport this
*** LITTLE ‘10′ HAWKS TOP***

So anyway… that's about as much as I wanted to say today. I hope that I've managed to give you a little insight into Martin but I'm gonnae sit down in a minute as I am feeling a wee bit hot.
By the way, if anyone else is feeling a wee bit dizzy or unwell, it's probably because you've realised you've just married Martin.
Actually, that's not fair. I've brought loads of things along today for Martin and hardly anything for Lesley. Martin told me just before we came in that today he feels like a million dollars, like he's the luckiest man in the world and it is just like he's won the lottery. So who knows Lesley – maybe this lottery ticket might just help you to feel that same way too, you never know your luck!.
*** LOTTERY TICKET***
And I should say that if your husband manages to get in to the same state tonight as he did on his stag day, you might well just be glad of a couple of Bonus Balls tonight, who knows!

Seriously though, I know Lesley is absolutely ecstatic that her and Martin have finally tied the knot as I happened to hear her whisper to Nicole earlier that now they are married, she wants to make love every night of the week. I mentionned this to Martin, Lesley, and he's asked me to tell you that's fine – and could you pencil him in for Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays!
I am only kidding.

Now the only thing that is left is for me to propose a toast. Unlike most of my material for today, I did struggle for the right words until I was sitting at work last week, staring blankly at my calculator (as I often do – I'm an accountant with the council) until I thought of this:-
*** SHOW CARDS***
May you always treat each other as Equals,
May every day forth be the best you ever Add,
May you always be able to afford Take-aways,
May your family Multiply,
And may your hearts never be Divided.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like you all to take raise your glasses in a toast to my two best friends and to your bride and groom – Lesley and Martin

CARDS:
To mum and dad – when am I getting brothers and sisters? Love Simba x

To Martin and Lesley – Hurry home from honeymoon. We're going to miss you, Love The Kirky Mahal x

Martin, Martin we could have been so good together. Love Big Leather Clad Johan from Switzerland x

To Lesley – Hope you know what you're getting. From the Tunisian waitresses, Sylvia and Mabel.

Darling – Key under palace backdoor mat. Love Queen Mum (Ooops – that's for me!)

Finally a very special message:
Martin and Lesley – Best wishes on your wedding day. Henrik Larsson

THINGS TO GET:
Card – Message for Arlene
Larsson Mask
Celtic Top for Martin with ‘Larsson’ ‘7′ on the back
Old T shirt with ‘Cascarino’ ‘9′ on it
Stick ‘Little’ on Hawks top
B&Q DIY Pages
Yellow pages
First Aid Kit
Pants
Magnifying Glass
Wooden Spoon
Make graph
Lottery Ticket
Larsson photo