Speech by Paul Kilbride

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Kilbride
Speech Date: mar 2004
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen.

For those who don't know me, my name is Paul and I am the best man. Feel free to say hello at the bar later on.

I have to admit to how nervous I have been about today. However, after speaking to the ushers Terry and Mark, they sorted me out with a few lines and after I snorted them I felt great.

It's a real honour to be Phil's best man – as well as nerve wracking but he has assured me that, if I do a good job, then I can be the best man at his next wedding.
I am only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat…….if I go on too long and reminisce on too much of Phil's history, Jo has promised to cut it!

Phil has tried to convince me that he was not nervous at all about the big day. In fact I know he slept like a baby last night………… He was up every half-hour crying for his mum.

My role as BestMan is going better than expected today. I've so far managed to get him to the church on time, and that's unusual for Phil – both going to Church and being punctual. He also arrived sober, an achievement that can not be underestimated.

Having read numerous books on ‘Being The Best Man’, I understand that the tradition is to embarrass the groom through stories of his past. However, I was tempted to break with tradition and instead turn my attentions to the beautiful bride. Thankfully, Phil reminded me of how big her brother's are and how he can't again perform as my getaway driver because he has to stick around for the evening. Therefore, sadly for Phil, I'll remain with tradition.

In looking for material for this speech, I decided to start writing down everything I could remember that Phil and I had done over the 15 years we have been mates. But this wasn't particularly fruitful, as a lot of it would have got Phil strung up by his mum, some of it would have got me strung by my mum and some of it would have got us both strung up by Jo.

So, as it was quite challenging coming up with anything I could actually tell you, I thought about getting some visual help by asking Phil's dad if he had any cute pictures of Phil when he was younger. I got a very puzzled look and this confused reply.… “Pictures yes, cute no!!”.

I have been best friends with Phil for over half my life. During this time, there are many things that have happened with Phil but, in our teenage years, I was convinced that Phil would end up as racing driver, as demonstrated by the number of Friday nights we spent tearing round Blackburn in his dad's BMW. My apologies to Mr Kirkwood Senior for the lack of good care Phil took with his car.

I am always glad of Phil's charm and wit, especially when confronted with hazardous situations. On the one occasion I wish to recall being stopped by the police, he kindly asked the police officers why they didn't go and catch some proper criminals rather than harassing poor kids wheel spinning around town in their parents car.

When racing driving fell through, I was sure at one stage that Phil would become a master chef. I will never understand how the only man I knew who was able to make fairy cakes could not turn out to utilise these skills later in life…..…

However, then again, Phil had great skills in traffic diversion – well, he has managed to rearrange road signs on more than one occasion including the time he forced me to assist the emergency creation of a diversion into his 6th form teachers driveway. Poor Mr Wilson never knew what hit him.

Many people have asked me what was Phil like as a teenager. Unfortunately, he looks the same as he always did. Memories of our first trips to pubs came back to me earlier today when the Vicar, Eric, asked to see Phil's passport to ensure he really was old enough. Fortunately, Phil didn't use the home made identification card he used when we were younger when, on the odd occasion, he was asked to prove his age. The identification card actually showed him to be a trainee journalist, but his usual Friday night attire of a bright ski jacket and trainers didn't help to prove this was his true profession.

Phil was once described as arrogant, conceited, insensitive and selfish……..well, let's face it if anyone would know him it would be his mum and dad.

Some of Phil's workmates filled me in on his career to date. One surprising fact was that he is known as a hardworker and his nickname appears to be ‘God’. Whether this is really because no on ever sees him, he makes up his own rules and any work he does do is a miracle is not for me to guess.

It is also traditional to talk about the Stag Do. I am happy to say that no photographs exist but this is more to do with the fact that no camera has been made that could have incorporated the size of some of the ladies we met.

Phil demonstrated his love for Jo by avoiding all of Benidorm's ‘fine’ ladies. Despite the best efforts of a number of ladies including Barbara, Vicky, Sophie and two other ladies who's names I can't quite recall, I can honestly say that Phil didn't do anything he wasn't supposed to – but that job was made easier by the bouncers at the lap dancing club who wouldn't let Phil do anything you weren't supposed to either.

I was disappointed to learn that there would be no karaoke at tonight's reception as Phil demonstrated his prowess to sing on stage while in Benidorm. If you take on me to define his voice, some might say that he sang like a lark…..… a pillark! I'll never forget the unaccompanied rendition of Wonderwall that he finished his act with. Unfortunately, this did clear the bar and shortly afterwards the owner, Del Boy, asked us to leave.
My first impressions of meeting Jo almost 9 years ago was that she was beautiful, witty, charming, clever, friendly and thoughtful person and we can all see for ourselves how stunning Jo looks today. This proves one thing I've always known about Phil, that he definitely is a man of vision……often blurred and sometimes double, but nonetheless a man of vision lucky enough to have found such a beautiful wife. It goes to show how the phrase ‘for better or worse’ is so appropriate. Phil really couldn't have done any better while Jo couldn't have done any worse.

Phil, you made a fantastic decision in marrying Jo. In Jo, you have found someone angelic, well mannered, smart, funny, loving and caring. Jo you have found………well you have found Phil.
When it came to finding a wife, Phil couldn't have been luckier. Jo is a fantastic person. I have a great deal of admiration and respect for her and, being a school teacher, she has the added bonus of already being familiar with dealing with tantrums and bad behaviour on a daily basis.

One thing is for certain, Jo will never leave Phil………after all she has spent the last 8 years training him so why waste it?!

Phil has also asked me to read a few telegrams:
From the Grand Sport Hotel in Ciboney, Jamaica
Congratulations to you both on this day. We very much look forward to making your honeymoon a special and memorable one. Please do not worry if there is some delay when you arrive. We are putting something on for you……… the roof.
And a telegram from an old school friend: Phil, I love you and we could have been great together – Big Phil Sutton.

(Toast)
Phil and Jo, I don't feel I can stand here and commit you to a married life without offering this one crucial bit of advice for the years ahead. The remote control is Phil's and Phil's alone.

On an almost final note, I would like to utter some sincere words. I'd like to express my heartfelt congratulations to you both, and to thank Phil for choosing me as best man. Having known Phil for so long, I think of him more like a brother now – an odd, southern Chelsea loving, long lost kind of brother maybe, but a brother nonetheless.

Phil is quite rightly beaming with pride today – a mark of how much this day means to him. So finally, to Phil and Jo, a nicer and more perfectly suited couple you could not wish to meet…….…

Ladies and Gentlemen, I can tell that you are all having a great time here today and this is mainly down to the months of planning by Phil and Jo. I will now finish things off so you can once again have a great time. Before I do, I would ask you all to stand and raise a glass, as I propose a toast to the bride and groom ……………… – the new Mr and Mrs Kirkwood, to Phil and Jo.