Speech by Paul Kingham

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Kingham
Speech Date: Sep2006
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, For those of you that don't know me, my name's Paul, and I have the privilege of being Jerry's best man,

I'd like to start traditionally and thank Jerry on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words and gifts, can I also say what a great job they have done today and how wonderful they look,
I would also like to congratulate the happy couple and say that ”Lisa you look stunning” as I'm sure you will all agree.

I'd also like to thank Jez for his kind words, even though jez's words about me were totally unfounded and untrue

Well,what can I say about jez that hasn't already been said , …..mostly on police charge sheets or in the small columns in the East Anglian Daily times admittedly so.
Jerry has made an honest attempt to cut back on his drinking and get into shape for today, and personally I think he has succeeded.… well round is a shape isn't it?

Anyway enough of the pleasantries, jeremy charles hardy was born on March 23rd 1972,at 6.25am in Harold Wood Hospital, Essex about the size of a small baby and since then he's got older on a year by year basis, some of the other choice names he's been know by over the years include greasy lips, chiz, fishy, jiz and pet shop to name but a few, but my wife and I affectionately call him ”the exorcist” as every time he visits our house all our spirits disappear………

Jez shares his birthday with such greats as Roger Bannister, Joan Crawford and Chaka Khan, none of these however have had any noticeable effects on either his literacy, physical stature or footballing skills.

As a child Jerry had many different toys to play with ranging from a Paddington Bear to a Wooden Soldier to various cars and things, but perhaps one of his favourite toys was the main reason which led to his first hospital visit.
Now I know what you are thinking, skateboard, bike, cricket bat, but no it was the Lego police car light stuck up the nose, at the tender age of three.

He was also a slow starter. At Playschool Jerry was different from the other 5 year olds… he was 11.

Jerry attended Dale Hall Junior school, a fine school so I'm led to believe, where he excelled in most subjects including football, which is where we actually came up against each other for the first time, jerry being the bandy legged attacker and myself being the much more serious defender from the neighbouring and some would say generally far better Castle Hill school,
A long competitive streak followed for about the next 20 years, culminating in Sunday Shield football final a few years ago, where jez was one of the allotted penalty takers, the rest is history ,another losers medal to the collection, not that I'm bitter about this in the slightest.

At 16 he left Thurleston High school with a glittering array of GCSE's where he managed to get an apprenticeship in the strange and deeply mysterious world of Painting and Decorating with a local company called Blasbys, then onto Suffolk college where he furthered his education, eventually becoming a much qualified and respected painter &amp decorator,……….… if your clients only knew the half of it.

Being so dedicated to his work Jez would usually stop drinking after his 12th pint on a friday because he would have to be up early for work on saturday morning,once this was done the normal afternoon of Hockey then out with the boys all night then up early again for football on sunday,
I have never known of or met anybody so involved in personal fitness who can claim to have signicificantly contributed to the financial success of many multi-national organizations, among them Mcdonalds, Burger King, KFC, Dominos, Pizza hut and Express as well as almost all the top brand lagers, and it's no coincidence that Tescos are considering developing the end of Cauldwell Hall road, now they have found out where he lives too.

Now, I should take this opportunity to reveal to all, Jerrys past misdemeanors, unfortunately I have played a part in an awful lot of the incriminating events, By disclosing everything Jerry has done, I would be merely implicating myself and I really don't want to tarnish my impeccable reputation.

Speaking generally though, what I will say is that during our time at school, college, the sports club, our first house in Humber Doucy Lane, and the various places we have lived in Ipswich, there have been times, in many a bar, that I was not so much a good friend, but more of a mother to him:
I've dressed and undressed him, I've cleaned up after him,and several times helped him to walk, through fishing, Boys Brigade Hikes, swapping Farahs,Fila coats and German girlfriends, Spot and Frisky the Rabbits, to Twigs parents spirit cabinet, starting his own business, buying his first house, through to being mine and jennies best man six years ago.

However, it was one night when Jerry was not out drinking that he finally got together with the love of his life… Lisa, oddly enough it was during a production of Beauty and the Beast, need I say more,
One of the many things that Jerry and Lisa both share is an amazing love of animals, their house is a mini shrine to Dr.Doolittle, whether it was looking after Nelson the 3 legged one-eyed cat, Alex Mathie or Gus the hamsters, Bam-Bam the rabbit ,Buster the dog, or my own personal favourite Ming-Lee the hamster so named after the Local Chinese takeaway who unfortunately earlier in the year was sushied himself by the latest cats Molly &amp Sox and sadly buried in the garden in a foil tray originating of course from the aforementioned takeaway,…….… god rest his little soul.

To round off the speech, I'd like to say that Jerry, In all seriousness you've been a great friend to me over the years. It's been an honour to be your best man today, and with all my heart I hope the two of you have a long and happy marriage.
You're a lucky man, Lisa your a beautiful girl with a heart of gold, and she deserves a good husband………….thank god you married her before she found one.
Before I ask you all to join me in a toast to the happy couple, and before I make myself more acquainted with the Bar staff, I'd like to take this opportunity to read some cards out from friends and family who couldn't make it today.

read legitimate messages first,

This one says: “Congratulations on your marriage, I trust that your purchases did the trick? Please can you come into the shop ASAP and settle your remaining bill as your credit limit has now been reached,
Lots of luck in the future, don't be a stranger,
signed, Anne Summers.
whoever she is??

Now then, it gives me great pleasure to ask you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses:

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give to you
The new Mr. and Mrs. Hardy, Jeremy and Lisa !
Thankyou very much,

-END- Give book to jerry