Speech by Paul Leach

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Leach
Speech Date: Aug2005
Good afternoon Ladies, Gentlemen and undecideds. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Paul, and I am one of Andrew's Best Men today. I'm actually one of Andrew's oldest friends (aside) Well, he can't get any new ones. And I've been persuaded to /insisted on (depending on who you believe) saying a few words. It's good to see so many of you here today, an excellent reflection of how popular Andrew and Kate are, and how poor the TV summer scheduling is.
Now it was always going to be difficult to follow a speech by Andrew, and true to form I didn't follow a word of it. But, the moment has arrived.… It's time for a little character assassination. Although, as Henry the Eighth said to each of his wives…..I won't keep you long.
Having never done this before, I really didn't know how long my speech should last
General opinion suggests it should last about as long as it takes the groom to make love (looks at watch), so really it should have finished two minutes ago.
I know Andrew's very worried what I'm going to say, as I refused to let him see any draft of this speech. Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised Kate and Andrew that if there is anything even slightly risqué in this speech, I'll whip it out immediately. I'm also aware that some people who know me are concerned that this speech might be just a string of bad puns and cheap jibes at Andrew. I'd just like to reassure them – it's definitely going to be just a string of bad puns and cheap jibes at Andrew.

In order to prepare this speech, I decided to get a book about being a Best Man. But there are so many. I managed to read a couple of them…….before the manager of WH Smiths told me to buy one of them or get out. So, I got out

Finally I got this book. (produces book) It tells you to start all speeches with a joke & I promise I will start shortly. It also says that you are the most forgiving audience & you'll laugh at the weakest of jokes. Excellent, the audience I've been waiting for for nearly thirty years.

The book says that next I should tell some embarrassing stories about the groom. Well, I've done my best to "dig up the dirt" on Andrew but it would appear that he has never done anything to cause embarrassment. Even Kate was of little use in dishing the dirt…..she must be in love with him, or something! It is a rare condition but apparently curable by marriage. (consults book, reads) “If in doubt, recount a story of when the groom was drunk” – well Andrew's done me no favours, being tee-total, but it least it puts to rest the rumour that he was drunk when asked me to be a Best Man !

Moving along… (consults book, reads) “Tell stories about the Stag Night”. Again, no luck, I'm sure most of you know that the Stag Night was a rather sedate affair. In fact, it was very nearly the only Stag Night in history to be sponsored by Horlicks !! That said, we did wander around the theme-park delights of Staffordshire wearing T-shirts with photos of Andrew on. Let's see them lads ! (“Stags” hold up T-shirts, Paul gives Andrew his) Incidentally, a big thank you to Andrew's mother for the photos. In fact, I've had another celebration T-shirt prepared for today. (holds up T-shirt with photo of Andrew from stag night) And I've even got his new name on it ! (turns T-shirt round to reveal “MR. KATE [Bride's surname]”) Well, you are taking her name, aren't you ?

Right, back to the book. (consults book, reads) “Speak about how the groom met the bride”. Ah, at last, something I can do. I wasn't there myself, but can describe the build-up. On the day in question, 16th March 2002, myself, Andrew and a few others, had gone on a rip-roaring day out (weak) to spend three hours queuing in Barking to meet, for less than two minutes, someone who was in “Doctor Who” six years before. The excitement of this not being enough, it was suggested that we spend the evening doing something equally exciting, like watching videos of said sci-fi programme. Andrew, however, had other plans –“I've got to get back. I've got a party with friends from school”, he said. Having failed to cadge an invite, I decided that a little light ribbing was called for. “Will that teacher that you fancy, be there ? Kate isn't her name ?” (I'd met Kate a few months before at Andrew's birthday party, where he had foolishly let slip to me that he had a “thing” for her). Andrew's response was direct, and in retrospect dramatically ironic – I quote, (slowly) “Yes, but there's absolutely no chance of anything happening between us!”. Well seeing we're all here today, that obviously wasn't the case. In fact he managed to control himself for four days, until he rang me to crow over the two of them getting together, their eyes meeting over a sugarless cake.

Onward, ever onward. (consults book) Next, the book suggests using three words to describe the bride and groom. Ok, then. Three words to describe Kate – attractive, charming, intelligent. Three to describe Andrew (long pause)– a bit odd. (slams book shut) It's no good – this book's rubbish I'm taking it straight back to the charity shop.

So, what can I tell you about Andrew, that hasn't already been said in open court ? Well, we went to secondary school together, and I've learnt a lot from Andrew over the years, just by studying him and learning from his mistakes. It was no surprise that he ended up becoming a teacher. As they say, you never forget a good teacher, and I think from all the messages of goodwill that he's received today from former students, it proves that…..you tend to remember the other ones as well. Still, it was encouraging to hear that one or two of them are finally in work.

But seriously, I'm very proud to be doing this today, and to be part of Andrew and Kate entering the institution of marriage – I've always said that Andrew should be in an institution ! Andrew and Kate are a love match, pure and simple. Kate's pure, and Andrew's..… (long pause) simple ! Actually that reminds me of one of the other suggestions that stupid book made, look up what the bride and groom's names mean. Well, Kate (or Catherine) does mean pure, whereas Andrew means manly, a claim I don't wish to validate….and which being pure, obviously Kate can't. In conclusion, Andrew, you're a lucky man, you've married Kate today, and she's smart, funny, caring, accepts your obsession with a forty-year old sci-fi programme (even before it became cool to do so), and deserves a good husband – so thank goodness, you managed to marry her before she found one !

But before I finish, (and to paraphrase a wise man) I just want to tell you that today was fantastic, (pause) absolutely fantastic, (smiles) and d'you know what ? (wider smile, pause) So was I !! Thank you ! (sits)

NOTES

THERE WERE TWO BEST MEN, MYSELF & THE GROOM'S BROTHER, AND DUE TO A REQUEST FROM THE CATERERS, ALL TOASTS WERE AFTER THE MEAL, THE SPEECHES BEING BEFORE.

THE ENDING'S A PARAPHRASE OF THE REGENERATION SPEECH FROM THE 2005 SERIES OF “DOCTOR WHO”, THAT WE'RE BOTH OBSESSIONAL ABOUT, WHICH HAD RECENTLY BEEN SCREENED, BUT WHICH WAS APPRECIATED BY ALLTHE GUESTS EVEN IF THE REFERENCE WAS NOT PICKED UP.