Speech by Paul Lynan

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Lynan
Speech Date: Aug2004
The Start – Thank you's
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. For those of you that don't know me, my name's Paul and I've had the privilege of being Roys best man today. I really was nervous about making a speech today, so I prepared a few lines – having snorted them, I feel absolutely fine now!! I'd like to thank Roy for asking me to be his best man and of course Joanne for letting him ask me. I know Joanne is just as nervous about the content of my speech today but don't worry – well not yet anyway. As the Best Man today, I have had to ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober and smart, well 2 out of 3 isn't too bad. After all look what I have had to work with, I'm the best man – not a magician.

I hope you've all enjoyed the day so far, and I think you'll all agree.. at the church today the bride looked absolutely stunning! The groom Roy looked absolutely stunned.

On behalf of the bride and groom, I would like to thank everyone for coming and making such a special effort to help celebrate their special day. One lady in the room Alison is expecting a baby within the next seven days. So, by the time I've finished rabbiting on we should know whether she has had a boy or a girl. Personally, I wish you'd all stayed at home and made my day less nerve racking. You can't deny it's been a emotional day though… you only have to look at the cake. Even thats in tiers. (I do get better … honest).

Well Roy, I hope you made the most of your speech.. now you're a married man that'll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted!

I was worried about how long the speech should be, but I've been told that it should only last as long as the groom takes to perform his marital duties on his wedding night, so…(*LOOK AT WATCH) I think I've over-run already so I do apologise for that. I do have a bit more to say however, it is my duty to inform you of a couple of disclaimers before I proceed any further.

Disclaimer 1. My speech does NOT contain any original material…so if anyone is offended, it's got NOTHING to do with me!
Disclaimer 2. Roy and Joanne have stated that should you injure yourselves in any way shape or form when climbing on the chairs and tables during my OVATION, they hold themselves in no way responsible for your actions! And nor do I for that matter!

On behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Roy for his kind words, they were very much appreciated. I'd like to add my own, personal thanks to our beautiful bridesmaids Lorraine, Wendy, Sharon, Lisa, Kate and Danielle (Daniel). They have done a trememdous job supporting Joanne throughtout the day and I'm sure she really appreicated that support. Thank you Bridesmaids. Saying this, can I please add an extra thank you to Lorraine, Joanne's chief bridesmaid. I personally know that Lorraine has done an awful lot behind the scenes and has helped at every given opportunity which has taken some pressure off Joanne which included the organisation for the hen do. So, thank you Lorraine.

I would also like to thank Peter who had the very important job of being Usher today and organise things in and around church – he too has done a superb job … Thanks Peter.

The advice – marriage
Roy, your a very lucky guy marrying Joanne, she deserves a very good husband (PAUSE), but its just a shame you got to her first before she had a chance to find one.

I don't really have much advice for the newlyweds, because I've only been married 12 months myself. But, what I have found out I am going to share with you all today for Roy's benefit.

Always put the toilet seat down even though I know you never lift it up.
Never fight before you go to bed
There will always be two sides to every argument, yours and the right one.
And finally, never forget these three magic words, YOUR RIGHT LOVE

– There are 3 rings in a marriage:-
The wedding ring
The suffer ring
and The endu ring

The jokes
There are 3 reasons why I am here today…

1. To have a good time.
2. Because I didn't have to pay to come in got free food … and hopefully drink ?
3. To help celebrate the marriage of these 2 lovely people. (REACTION)

Saying this I was a little upset a month ago when I found out I was second choice for the Bestman duties and only got asked because a mystery man turned it down. Yes, you may look puzzled and I don't mean to cause trouble but I bumped into and old flame (I mean) friend of Joanne's in town. He said he could not make it today because where he worked – Mecca Bingo in St. Helens was having half price bingo day and the national prize money will been doubled so they was expecting a full house. He sends his regards and did finish by saying I hope you are not sweating as much today ?

His name … Darren the Bingo Caller. For those of you who don't know Joanne that well she is known to spend the odd afternoon (shall we say) at Bingo. Whenever she gets home Roy will say “win anything” and the reply is the same every time … I only wanted one number. But because of Joanne's loyality to the Mecca and Bingo in general Darren has given me a special gift for her. This gift is the first in the country may I add and I've been told it is a one off because of her several £20 afternoon sessions with him. This is a loyality certificate that now gives you membership for life which means you will be added to the Mecca hall of fame, only the fourth person on it behind Mary, Frieda and Elvis. Because of this every time you go you to the Mecca you are entitled to a free half a lager, free chips and gravy or a chip butty with red sauce and 20% off any blue rinse at Elite hairdressers at Bulls Head.

The Stag do
As far as stag do's go Roy got away with it I feel. After he cancelled it three times I thought to myself he doesn't want one. But eventually we arranged a night and got out on the town. After silly drinks by a few which included tequilla squeelers, Sambuca and Baileys (cheers Peter) and several pints of lager Roy finally opted for the dance floor before going for his favourite tipple … water on the rocks. When Roy did decide to call it a day as the water kicked in he headed for home and as far as I'm aware he did not need the cloths hiden for him behind Nexus, incase of the dreaded strip.

Roy
I hope Joanne will get used to your eating habits, after all his idea of a balanced diet is a Big Mac in each hand. I remember one night on our way home from a nightclub and we was starving. It was either Pizza / Kebab and walk home or get a cab. I looked at Roy and he said Pizza for me. So, off we went to Gino's for a pizza and we both ordered. Once the pizzas was ready the guy behind the counter asked Roy if he wanted his Pizza cut into 4 or 8 pieces, Roy replied "4 please, I dont think I could eat 8".

For those of you who don't know, Roy fancies himself to be a bit of a cricketer and although a little ropey at times every now and again he does produce the goods. One game sticks in my head away at Grange a couple of years ago. Both me and Roy was at the crease and our team Eccleston was in trouble … yet again. The opening bowler who had already gone through the top order was beating Roys bat with great ease and he needed a plan B. The next ball was the same, Roy swung his bat, missed, the ball just missed the wickets and again into wicket keepers gloves. The bowler walked up to Roy and said "It's red, round & weighs about 5 ounces and walked off." Roy looked at me and winked. I thought whats going on here. So the bowler ran in, bowled the next ball and whack … the ball was hammered out of the ground.
Roy looked at him and said "you know what it looks like, now f**k off and go and find it."

I've known Roy since the good old day's of Parr High school. Although I never knocked about with Roy in school I knew him quite well and always spoke whenever our paths met. At school I knew he wasn't blessed with intelligence and by the time he was 14, his parents were getting very concerned about his performance at school. He wasn't just falling behind, Ladies and Gentleman, he was getting lapped! I remember seeing several of Roy's school reports throughout the years and believe it or not the same still applies now 13 years on. I'm sure any of his football or cricket team mates here today will think that sounds familiar … the reports always said the same ROY MUST TRY HARDER. Funny enough that leads me to my second and final award of the afternoon. This is on behalf of the West Lancs Cricket League for all your ducks, drop catches and lazy casual chases to the boundary … Roy. The Must Try Harder Award.

This is no word of a lie but he even wears glasses from time to time because he has a lazy eye … is this true Roy ?

1975 – the year Roy was born
The year seems a memorable one with a few odd things appearing on the internet when I punched in the date and year.
Music
The U.K. No.1 on the 22nd February 1975 (Roys birthday) was… Make Me Smile (Come Up And See Me) by Steve Harley And Cockney Rebel
I hope you still are in 50 years time … but

The U.S. No.1 on the 22nd February 1975 was… Pick Up the Pieces by A.W.B (The Average White Band)
I hope you're not in 50 years time …

Also in 1975
Tiger Woods the US golfer was born – Roy you are no Tiger Woods.
VHS and Betamax video were introduced – You've still got one
First woman climbs Everest – Roy you've got a mountain to climb now. (only joking)
Paul McCartney was fined for growing Marijuana … need I say anymore.

Fashion that year
For those of you that are old enough to remember the year Roy was born and looking around the room there are quite a few candidates. It was the year of the Kevin Keegan curly perm, lounge suits, overpowering perfumes and shiny fabrics.

Board games that year
There was a board game out that year (Roy have you got £2) – any guesses for pint ?
Cluedo – Roy, after seeing your children actions lately I'm going for you Roy to cop it by Bradley with the cricket bat in the kitchen.

Famous Film
Again any guesses for a pint ?
Jaws – Joanne need I say anything ?

Poem, Cards and emails
I would now like to read out a few emails and cards the happy couple have received. But before I do that I have been asked to read out a poem. I know Roy did one at my wedding but this is nothing to do with me as it will all come clear shortly it reads

Emails
We have found Roy to be useless in every position and hope Joanne has more luck this evening"
– Eccleston Cricket Club

"To Roy, we could have been so good together, why have you done it. Love – Kylie Minogue"

"To Joanne, I'm absolutely gutted you are married now, why not me. Love – David Beckham"

The Toast
Finally on a serious note ladies and gentlemen, can I say a few words now that the joking and speech is coming to a close. (thank god I hear you say). I know personally that this couple Roy and Joanne have been through quite a bit together in recent years just like any couple does. But the main thing is they have come though them problems and situations … together. In life we only get one chance and these two people that we are celebrating for today have decided that their lives will be spent with each other and hopefully forever. They have two lovely kids in Kieran and Bradley who any mother and father would be proud of (I think).

It is a very proud moment for me, seeing my sister grow up with me from a little girl into a grown lady and looking absolutely stunning today. Following me and commiting herself into marriage. From children me and Joanne spent a lot time together and I would like to think this is probably how Joanne and Roy have ended up together and getting married today. I just hope I've not cursed them. Although we do not see each other as much as we used we have our own lives and responsibilities to lead but remember one thing I'm still here for you in times of need and more importantly I'm still your big brother. Roy you are a good lad who am sure can take over now were I left off and continue to look after her. I know she can be a pain at times but has a heart of gold somewhere in there just like yourself. I hope both of you look back on this day in 50th years time and say to your grandchildren … I remember when we got married.

I'm sure both my mum and dad and Roys parents are made up with what they've witnesed today (apart from this speech). Its been superb so far and we need to continue in this vein straight through the day and into the evening with Saints in between at 6.00pm against Warrington …

Its now at this point ladies and gentleman that I need you all to raise your glasses as I finish with this, my final line

You don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person you can't live without,
Ladies and Gentleman

The bride and Groom