Speech by Paul May

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul May
Speech Date:
Good Evening Ladies and Gentlemen. For those who don't know me my name is Paul, and unfortunately for you today, I am Dave's Best Man.

Now I don't think that I need to tell anyone what the big news of today is. But it did it end 1-0 with Ruud van Nistlerooy scoring the winner in injury time.

To begin with I would like to thank Dave on behalf of the Bridesmaids for his kind words and gifts. I would also like to thank Dave for giving me the chance to dress like Lawrence Llweylm Bowen for the day.

Also, I'd like to thank you all on behalf of the Bride and Groom for being here and sharing this special day.

Now, I have been asking around for an idea of how long my speech should last.
The general response I got back was about as long as it takes for the Groom to make love.
So with that in mind, thank you, you have been a wonderful audience (sit)
(get back up)

I have tried to take the responsibility of best man very seriously indeed and I thought I
would share with you some of the duties I have been involved with…

1.Making sure his Face and Hair are in order (I did my best))

2.Keeping Dave's mechanical hands away from the wedding car so that we actually got here

The third was the potentially delicate duty of keeping Dave's ex-girlfriends out of the way today. Thankfully this has been very easy because there aren't that many.

Being the best man you have to be on the ball, and help out in all sorts of ways to ensure everything runs smoothly. For example, in the run-up to today Gill and Dave had a bit of an issue with the seating plan, because they really couldn't decide who to put where. As best man, I offered to step in and help work something out. What we finally decided was to use the wedding present list, and put those who gave the most cash or vouchers nearest the front, and work it back from there. So, if he can hear me at the back, thank you to Matt Heathcote for the five-pound postal order.

Well I think all went well this morning in getting Dave ready for his big day. The condemned man ate a solid, hearty breakfast and arrived at the church on time and sober. The one disappointment would have to be failing to arrange his last request as a single man due to strong protests from the staff at the Sheep Welfare Council.

When Dave was born on June 16th 1975, his mother said "they threw away the mould" – sadly some of it grew back. She also said that Dave was a slow starter. At playschool, Dave was different from all the other 5 year olds.. He was 11!

Even now at the age of 29,before he has his tea, he can still be found playing out on his bike.

Everybody here knows Dave for different reasons. Some of you know him as a loving relative, some as a colleugue, some misguided fools know him as a great lover, but I know Dave as a true friend. Dave and I have been friends for many years now. But ‘friend’ is so commonly used, that the other day I really tried to pin-down what's properly meant by it. Turning to the dictionary, a friend is defined as “someone whom you are attached to through affection and esteem, they are a favoured companion and a supporter and an ally, a friend is someone who is well rounded and solid. This proves to me that Dave is a true friend of mine. But to be fair, he can also be a bit of a knob.

The night Gill and Dave first got together was of course memorable, try to picture the scene, eyes meeting across a crowded room, a slow motion run, arms out, a lovers embrace to last forever…?
No…

…the Pink Coconut Nightclub in Derby! Booyakasha.
Having snared young Gillian in his web, Dave set about with the art of seduction. A quick trip to Ikea turned his bedroom from a Beirut squat into something of "changing rooms”, clean bedding, soft lighting, and a little Sweet Harmony working his magic on the CD player. Cleanboxer shorts were pressed into service, and Lynx noticed an upturn in profits with the number of “spray-on showers” Dave took!

Indeed the beauty of their relationship rapidly became apparent. As each manages to moderate the other. Gillian keeps Dave's feet on the ground and his head from out of the clouds, as he does have a tendency to give his unadulterated opinion about absolutely everything!
Of course it won't be long before Gill keeps him in check by uttering those three magical words… [pause] "Shut up, Batesey"
Talking about magical words, I have been asking around to see what important advice I could get for bride and groom and I stumbled across the following.

Remember, marriage is more than just an 8-letter word, it's a sentence

Never go to bed on an argument….Always stay up and argue.

Dave, Always remember the three little words…"You're right Gill".

Gill, always remember that men start out as grapes, and it's your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with.

We can all see for ourselves that Gillian looks stunning today in that fantastic white dress. You wont have any problem blending in with the rest of the appliances in the kitchen.. Seriously, you look truly amazing today and I know how proud your mum and dad must feel. thanks for coming.

Before I get to the toast, I have two telegrams to read out:

To Gillian, "I can't believe you ended up with my man" From Vanessa Feltz

To Dave, "Remember our great pool party?" Lots of love, Michael Barrymore

You will be glad to hear that as Best Man I only have a few more things to say.

Firstly the staff at The Risley Hall Hotel have asked me to request that, for Health and Safety reasons, none of you get up on the tables and chairs during my standing ovation.

Secondly, I would like to say to Dave that it has been an honour and a privilege to be your Best Man today, and to say how lucky you are to have married Gillian, you have found someone loving, caring, attractive, clever and special,… And Gill you have found… well… just Dave.

You have both been very good friends to me over the years and have helped keep me on the straight and narrow. (Well the best you can.) Friday nights at the riverside bar downing shots have helped cement a freindship that has lasted many years, and I am sure many more years to come. We have been through a lot together that includes England games, arguments outside of nightclubs, window smashing in Leytonstone and the everlasting search for stella Artois. May long it continue.

And finally.… the toast It gives me enormous pleasure to be the first to toast you for your life together and I thank you for that honour. Ladies and gentlemen if you would like to stand to toast
Ladies and Gentlemen………..The bride and Groom.

Let battle commence.