Speech by Paul Morris

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Morris
Speech Date: oct 2003
[The groom has just stitched me up by giving me a real build-up, i.e. comic genius, he'll have you laughing, crying, etc, etc]
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen. With an introduction like that what more can I say – but before I start, I'd would like to point out that Darley's have asked me to request, that for health and safety reasons, nobody gets on the tables during the standing ovation at the end of my speech…
Please also accept my apologies for using these cards, as unfortunately I have the memory span of a fish.

During my research for today I established that a Best mans speech should only last as long, as it takes the groom to make love, [look at watch] so thank you and good night.
Seriously, I was both delighted, and honoured to be chosen to be best man, though I must confess to being a little nervous as public speaking has never been one of my strong points. Indeed I can tell you that this is not the first time today that I've got up from a warm seat with a few sheets of paper in my hand.

However, I have read somewhere that the best way to calm your nerves during public speaking, is to imagine that your entire audience is naked….…
(Long pause to scan audience, stopping briefly twice to grimace at one of the men and smile longingly at one of the ladies)
Nope! It's not working, but please bear with me!
Now – I'm sure a number of the guys here today have been a best man at a wedding before (pause) but I wonder how many of you have ever received
written guidelines from the bride to be?!!!!

I would like to read you a letter that Debbie sent me prior to the wedding…(produce letter)

Dear Paul.

I was very pleased when Petar asked you to be best man at our wedding. I instantly knew he had made the right decision. I have known both you for
some time now and I cannot think of anybody more charismatic, intelligent, better looking or downright sexy than you to fulfil this crucial role on
our big day.

As we get close to the wedding day, most tasks have been taken care of but there are two areas that do cause me a little concern………….Your
speech and your conduct.

I appreciate that as best man you are required to write a speech that pokes a certain amount of fun at Petar, with stories and jokes about his past exploits, but I do want you to remember that this is our wedding day and I don't want something that you might say or do to spoil it.

With this in mind, please take note of the following and I'm sure we'll all have a wonderful day:

DO NOT get drunk

DO NOT use bad language

DO NOT tell dirty jokes

DO NOT mention Petar's little problem – or the immac !!

DO NOT let Petar drink whisky, ….in fact DON'T let Petar drink

and finally, make sure you BOTH keep your clothes on

Love

Debbie

Well, so far so good .… neither of us are too drunk yet and Petar's still fully dressed……
now whilst the night goes on I can't promise to keep to those stringent guidelines, I have tried to take the responsibility of best man very seriously indeed. I would like to share with you some of the duties I have been involved with…

I have succeeded in my first duty, that of getting Pete to the ceremony, sober, on time and eventually married. My second duty was to make sure that on Pete's last night of freedom he was put safely into bed, and not on the late train to Glasgow.
To make sure this was the case, Pete stayed at our house last night and I can assure you that he was in bed early and slept like a baby; he wet the bed twice and woke every hour crying.

Anyway !!!

Tradition has it that the best mans speech is designed to perform a complete character assassination and embarrass and humiliate the groom. But as Pete does this so well himself on a regular basis, as I'm sure you will see on the dance floor later, I thought I'd break from tradition and tell you all what a kind, caring and thoughtful man he is.

After weeks of trying, and all I'd got was “Pete is a kind, caring and thoughtful man”, I thought I'd revert back to plan A – therefore giving Pete the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of his life – which to be fair is only pay back for each time he takes Debbie to bed.

So without further a do :-
I've known Petar for almost 14 years now, and we've been the best of mates for most of that time. …… No typically Petar has always given the impression of being a cultured kind of man, and worldly aware, however, it was only after about six month of him living at Debbie's parent's that he realised that that little towel hung between the sink and the beday was not an extra towel to wipe your face with …….… I think he was just too polite to tell Garth that he was moulting long and curly whiskers.
However, Debbie's Parents must have known what was to come… as petty much the first time he met them his opening words were ‘eerrr the dogs just snotted on me’

Now I did have one other story regarding Petar's little problem, hot summers days at work, and a tube of immac, however, given that I'll probably break most of the rules which Debbie laid down for me, later on tonight when you all start buying me drinks, I'll leave that one for Petar to explain himself.

Now .. As I know that Petar does not like to be made the centre of attention I'll draw this part of the speech to a close …… but before I do, I do have one last insight into Petar's character to share with you !!!!

As many of you will already be aware, Petar was my best man just over 3 years ago, and he took great pleasure in having photo's of me, in a number of strange outfits from the stag weekend, blown up and shown to everyone in the room. Now I know what you're thinking, having gone through it yourself you would not put your mate through the same pain !!!!!!
Well you'd be wrong…………..so I'd firstly like to show you a picture of Petar doing his best to look like Marilyn Monroe !!!!! What a Beauty

[A1 Size Picture of Stag in Blonde Wig]

Now how did Petar put it on my Wedding day — Ah that's it — Now I know a lot of you out there, think that this is not too embarrassing .… and you'd be right ..… but this is !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Miss funny fanny at its finest.

[A1 Size Picture of Stag in nothing but a big pair of pink pants]

Now before your start to think that Pete is harbouring a secret cross dressing habit, I really should explain that these photos were taken on the stag weekend, during our James Bond Themed Evening. And as the following picture shows we were all looking sophisticated and debonair in our tuxedos whilst Pete did his best to model the little black number ..… pink pants included !!!

[A1 size picture of all the boys in DJ's and stag in black dress]

Now at this point I would like to present Pete with a little memento of his stag weekend .… a gift from the lads [hand box with Pink pants in]

Whilst on the subject, I should probably explain a little more about the stag weekend – Exotic, Sunny, Puerto Banus …fantastic.… we had Sunshine, beer and bikinis and that was just Rob and Dave. It was a fantastic trip and all the boys were on top form ………., now as you can imagine, there are only a few things I'm allowed to say about the trip, so,

Firstly I'd like to thank H for providing us with such great entertainment. No only did he manage to mistake the abundant number of sea gulls for ducks, but he also failed to grasp the concept of why a harbour wall needs to have an entrance and an exit. I'll let Paul explain later.

Secondly, I would like to thank Pete for entertaining us with his miraculous stunt driving display in his golf buggy, although I'm not so sure that the course staff were as impressed as we were with his 360 degree skids or when he actually managed to roll it over down an embankment.

And Finally, I'd like to thank a certain special gentleman who we met on the stag weekend for inflating Pete's ego when he asked if he and his wife could escort Petar back to their apartment for some late night adult entertainment. [Picture of Stag dancing with Old Man] I'm not Joking either !!!!

Now, as there are no other stories I can mention – well not now anyway ………you will have to put up with listening to my marital advise to the newly weds instead. So, first some words of advice for Pete :-

Set the ground rules and establish who's boss…and then do everything Debbie tells you to do.

Remember, it is very important to get on with your mother in-law. I haven't spoken to mine for almost two years! Don't get me wrong, it isn't for lack of trying or that I don't like her, I just think it's rude to interrupt!

Bear in mind that the best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once!

Always try to help with the cleaning…In your case Pete Pick your feet up when D's doing the hoovering.

And finally ….… remember that a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is married.

And not to leave Debbie out :

It has been said that marriage is a 50 / 50 partnership. Anyone who believes this…knows very little about women…or fractions.

Its also been said that Men are like fine wine: It is a woman's job to stamp on them, ..in the dark…until they mature into something you would like to have dinner with.

Whilst on the subject of advise, a friend of mine who was the best man at a wedding last year, provided me with some wisdom in the form of a poem, to help answer that age old mystery of the difference between men and women, called Moods:
Moods of a woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She will kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She will be stronger than brandy, milder than milk
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, but most of all, she'll love you like mad.

Moods of a man

Horny [pause]

Hungry

Seriously though, in my searching around to find a pertinent closing thought, all were overshadowed by the validity of the following:

"You don't marry someone because you can live with them, you marry them because you simply cannot live without them."

Before I finish and let all of you get on with buying me drinks, .. I would like to read out a number of messages from those who couldn't make it today.

[first – real card]
The second is from the lads at football: We've found Pete to be useless in every position. Hope Debbie has more luck.
[read a real card]
Pete your sense of fashion was an inspiration to me during my pop career – all the best H from Steps

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their special day, particularly those who have travelled long distances and I'd like to personally thank Petar and Debbie for choosing me as their best man today ……it has been a great honour and a pleasure.

It therefore gives me great pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Mr & Mrs XXXXX.

To the health, wealth and good fortune of the happy couple; To the Bride and Groom.