Speech by Paul Newlove

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Newlove
Speech Date: Aug 2001
Introduction

You must excuse me I am a little nervous in fact this is not the first time that I have stood up off a warm seat with some paper in my hand.

You will have to excuse me for reading my speech off a piece of paper, I did ask for an autocue but the weeding budget did not stretch that far.

On behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank Chris for his kind words. And back up what he has just said the bridesmaids Paula and Elizabeth look absolutely fantastic.

I would like to say that Louise looks absolutely fantastic today… one in a million.… And Chris you look like you always do.. won in a raffle.

I'd also like to thank everyone on behalf of the Bride and Groom for sharing their wedding day, especially Chris's family and friends who have travelled from Hull to be here. In particular they would like to thank Louise's Uncle David who has travelled all the way from Benedorm to be with us.

I'd like to thank the caterers for a wonderful meal.
I didn't know whether to eat it of frame it.

And lastly, I'd like to say thanks to Chris for asking me to be his best man.

A far more intellectual man than myself once said that being asked to be a best man is like being asked to make love to the queen mother – it's a great honour but nobody wants to do it!!

Chris has assured me however that if I do a good job today he'll let me be best man at his next wedding!!

It's the first time that I've been best man and was very unsure of what duties I had to do.
To help me in my role, my girlfriend Marie kindly provided me with a book called The Best Man's Organiser, by the prize winning auther U.R. Inferrit. It states “The Best Man should be resourceful, energetic and diplomatic. One who will not offend or create problems”.

As you can see, Chris is obviously an appalling judge of character. I can only think that the real reason I was asked was that he needed someone to make him look good in the wedding photo's.

Before going on any further I have an issue to raise.
It has come to my attention that someone is running a book on the length of the Best Man's speech….with this information in mind I put a bet down for myself of 85 minutes and with the kitty currently at £60 pounds you might as well all settle in
and enjoy the ride …

About Chris

Chris was born on March 14th 1974 and is the oldest of two. So Mum and Dad obviously thought they could do better.

He shares his birth date with no other that Albert Einstein 1879.
Unfortunately Albert had all the brains in one go for that birth date.

Memorable things that happened that year are:
· Disposable plastic razors invented by Gillette
· Three day working week introduced in the UK
· Scientists prove that CFC's destroy the Ozone layer
· Free family planning available on the NHS ( Looks like it was 12 months late)
As a young Child
Chris was very hyperactive and as a result did not get invited to many childrens parties as he would always wreck the place.
He excelled at squash as a young lad but would occasion would let his temper get the better of him. He was the squash worlds John Mackenroe.
Early experience of Driving at the age of 14.
They make a right pair together as Louise as just smashed the wing mirror off there new car. If they offer you a lift it may be safer to take the car.
What can I say about Chris?
· A prize-winning scholar
· A gentleman, both on and off the rugby field
· A heart-throb among the girls.

Chris was… none of these things.

But he does exhibit the outstanding qualities of character, which have earned the respect of so many of us gathered here today.

· His sense of humour
· His loyalty.
· And his ability to get served quickly at the bar.… have brought him many friends.

Me and Chris

WE FIRST MET AT NORTHERN DAIRES RUGBY CLUB AT THE AGE OF 14 WHERE WE ENJOJED SOME SUCCSESS FULL SESSIONS TOGETHER.

WE THEN WENT ON TO SERVE OUR APPRENTICESHIPS TOGETHER AT THE SAME SHIP YARD.

WELDNG A PIECE OF TRAY UP FOR ME AND IT FELL STRIAGHT DOWN AFTER HE HAD DONE IT.

At work Chris was highly respected and is nickname is God…he's rarely seen, holier than thou..… and if he does any work it's an absolute bloody miracle.

WE WERE WORKING BOYS NOW SO FRIDAY AND SATURDAY NIGHTS OUT ON THE LASH WERE FASTLY BECOMING PART OF LIFE. AND IT HAS TO BE SAID THAT MOST OF OUR TIME THEN AND NOW IS SPENT SOCIALIZING OVER A PINT OR TWO.

THAT'S WHY I DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT FOR THE STAG PARTY. WE WENT UP TO NORTH WALES ON AN ADVENTURE WEEKEND.

WE TOOK IN 3 ACTIVITIES QUAD BIKING, WHITE WATER RAFTING AND RALLY KARTING. THIS MANAGED TO KEEP US OFF THE BEER UNTIL ABOUT 4 0’CLOCK.

WE DID TURN A FEW HEADS THOUGH IF YOU CAN JUST PICTURE EIGHT YOUNG MEN IN THERE PRIME, VERY ATHLETIC CRAMMED INTO WETSUITS. UNFORTUNATLY FOR THE MAJORITY OF US THE ONLY TRUE PART OF THE LAST SENTENCE IS CRAMMED.

I PERSONALLY LOOKED LIKE AND EASTER EGG WITH LEGS.

THE WETSIUTS WERE ALLREADY WET AND EXTREMLY COLD WHEN WE PUT THEM ON AND AS YOU CAN IMAGINE BOYS DID NOT LEAVE MUCH TO THE IMAGINATION.
CHRIS IS QUOTED AS SAYING NEXT TIME I DO THIS I WILL BE BRINGING ALONG A POUND OF BLACK PUDDING.

IT ALL WENT WITHOUT ANY HICKUPS AND WE ALL MANAGED TO COME BACK ALIVE.

ALTHOUGH I HAVE SINCE RECEIVED A LETTER FROM THE CROSS KEYS INN WHERE WE STAYED AND A BILL FOR 100 POUNDS.

THEY HAD TO GET THE ENVOIREMENTAL HEALTH AUTHOURITY IN TO DISENFECT THE ROOM IN WHICH WE ALL STAYED IN. THEY FOUND THE CAUSE OF THE PROBLEM TO BE A PARE OF CHRIS'S SOCKS LEFT UNDER THE BED.

STORY TIME

I HAVE KNOWN CHRIS FOR NEARLY 14 YEARS, I HAVE A LARGE LIBRARY OF STORIES TO TELL YOU THAT WILL LEAVE HIM EMBARRASSED AND HUMILIATED, BUT OUT OF RESPECT FOR HIM ON HIS BIG DAY I HAVE DECIDED NOT TO TELL THEM.
(PAUSE)
IN GREAT DETAIL ANYWAY!

Locking him in the car at Dacre

Promised to take the girls out for an expensive meal.

Not to leave Louise out.

Bring lots of clothes

New years Eve first time we meet her.

On a serious note
Chris is a great friend
Great honour to be asked to be his best man
I Wish them both luck in the future
It leaves me only one last thing to do.
Can all you be upstanding that can still stand and raise your glasses to the new
Mr and Mrs Chris Dodsworth

Cards

From the Hotel Tresteveri, Rome, Italy
Congratulations to you both on this day. We very much look forward to making your honeymoon a special and memorable one. Please do not worry if there is some delay when you arrive. We are putting something on for you…..the roof.

Lads at Five a side – We've found Chris to be useless in every position; hope Louise has better luck!