Speech by Paul Orchard

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Orchard
Speech Date: oct 2003

(Started with speech lying on table – for reason which become obvious).

Not the first time today I find myself on a warm seat holding a piece of paper.

I've timed this at around an hour and a half, if I overrun could someone give me a gentle reminder like a polite cough (much coughing in audience).

Ahh, audience participation so early.

I would like to thank Phil on behalf of the bridesmaids for his kind words.

Could I start by asking if anyone is offended by foul and abusive language or lewd behaviour (pause)…………I think I can sum up the range of emotions by the fact that now Mam is thinking “Oh God, what's he going to say”, and Dad will be thinking “Go on Son”.

I'm not actually that nervous because I read this on a wedding tips website “the audience will be rooting for you, they really want to laugh, and even if you don't think your material is that funny, you can be assured that they will still laugh at the weakest of jokes”………(pause – nothing).

Thanks a lot.

I'm Phil's oldest brother Paul, I'm older than Phil by 10 years. And it's true what they say about kids keeping parents young….that's mam in the pink boob tube! I know that some of you don't know me, and that will include the whole of Suzanne's family who myself and Lisa haven't been introduced to in the seven years that you have been going out together. Clearly Phil is embarrassed by me, which is true because he is going to be embarrassed by me.

If anyone has seen “Who's line is it?” you'll know that they do a section called “in the style of……”. I think it's only fair to warn you that I'm doing this in the style of someone who isn't funny………….I've heard too many best man speeches where every opportunity is taken to have a dig at the groom and make cheap tawdry jokes and I won't subscribe to that. I am a professional and have too much respect for my brother (lift up speech from table and turn to audience exposing nude photo of Phil at back of speech).

Being Phil's Best Man is a tremendous honour for me. It actually continues a nice tradition that all three brothers have been best man for each other……… for at least one of our weddings. We made this pact many years ago and I was delighted when Phil asked me, he was so mature for an eight year old.

I have taken my duties seriously and read extensively on my duties as best man and the sanctity of marriage, and I would like to share some of the knowledge that I have acquired.

In relation to ‘Best Man's duties’ one sentence really grabbed my attention – it read “ENSURE THAT THE GROOM'S FACE AND HAIR ARE IN ORDER.” Well Phil, I'm sorry but if nature didn't get them in order the first time around what chance do I have??

To be serious though, I would like to share with you a beautiful analogy I found regarding marriage. One book referred to three symbolic aspects to the wedding celebration. The ‘aisle’ representing a significant journey through life. The ‘altar’ representing the union of souls and the ‘hymn’ representing our celebration of Phil and Suzanne's love for each other. A beautiful thought I'm sure you'll agree. Completely coincidentally Suzanne had obviously read the same book. Just before we sat down I heard her muttering to herself over and over again, “I'll alter him, I'll alter him”. Beautiful!

I also found a 1950’s book entitled ‘Modern Etiquette in The Home’, and I quote from the chapter written for men.

"Don't get into the habit of taking the home-maker for granted. No doubt you come home tired – but your work is done for the day. Hers isn't, and she has no 5-day week, either."

"It is not always a really sound policy for a husband to share all the evening chores; but he should offer a hand at least now and then, and always remember small courtesies such as opening the door when she is carrying a tray, fetching in coal or other heavy weights such as livestock…"

"Appreciate what she does for your comfort. Many women who say they feel overworked actually feel under-appreciated and will gladly toil twice as hard for menfolk who notice and praise what they do."

"Ask your wife's opinion occasionally on news of the day. You may consider their views valueless, but it is human for them to like to give them."

That's enough of the chauvinist quotes, no-one in this family believes in that bigoted value-system……..well, apart from Dad.

Is it just me or is our Phil lucky! When he got his ‘A’ level results the result slip just listed the following years exam dates. When the teachers were asked what they thought our Phil would be when he left school they said, “About 25”. However, undaunted, he got into Bradford University to do a Civil Engineering degree. It was the first 9 year sandwich course they'd done. When he was doing exams they used to hand Phil an exam paper and the re-sit paper at the same time. I was doing a part-time degree at the same time and I finished before he did. Phil spent weeks looking for a sandwich placement, and when he did find a firm, they agreed to pay for his lodgings until he could sort out somewhere more permanent. Our Phil had no luck for a good 30 minutes so the firm contacted him and said that they were going to buy a three bed-roomed house and he could live there rent and mortgage free. Not content with that the firm then said that Phil should have been getting travelling expenses and gave him a hefty cheque. Ladies and gentlemen I invite you to rub his ample belly; he is a lucky Buddha (that's Buddha!!).

The stag do was a weekend in Edinburgh and it would have been great if Phil could have bothered his arse to turn up. Phil, Greg and Steve all slept in for their flight to Edinburgh?!?!? Which explains why they weren't asked to be Best Man. I think Phil was running his own reality gameshow………and they both lost.

When they did eventually arrive we had a great time. We did the customary ‘drink till you drop’ on the Friday. I need to explain at this point that there is a male bonding ritual called ‘the wedgie’, which, in a civil society, entails putting your hands down your chum's trousers, grabbing his underwear and pulling it upward until it lightly chafes his inner buttock cheeks. Your chum smiles in a macho manner, accepts that he's been wedgied, you stop and all drink another pint. Not our crew……….a tribe of hairy-arsed Vikings on Viagra and drinking pints of testosterone would have caused less injury than was inflicted when ‘wedgie hell’ descended upon Phil. Phil fought gamely, no doubt fearing the loss of his testicles, but it was to no avail and the said garment was ripped mercilessly from his limp and drunken body. I have the evidence (produce ripped pair of boxers). There are bits missing but none of us loved Phil enough, nor were willing, to delve into Phil's ample butt cheeks to get them out.

On the Saturday we went karting. What you have to remember is that these are highly powered racing karts and several Grand Prix drivers have learnt their trade flying round these circuits at high speed. There was a safety briefing, and most of us must have missed of it which is the only explanation I can think of for Dad's behaviour, rigorously adhering to a 5mph speed limit and trying to put on his handbrake on the starting grid. Dad's kart was identifiable by the nodding dog on the back shelf and Greg would have had a good view of it as his only aim seemed to be to rear-end everyone on the track. We all agreed to start talking to him again when he settles the insurance claims for whiplash.

On the Saturday night it was worrying that the dress that Phil was forced to wear (actually ‘forced’ is not strictly correct, as our Phil actually stripped himself off and paraded around naked until he slipped the fluffy pink knickers on.… It was like a party at Michael Barrymore's house!!). Yes, worrying that the dress that Phil wore was exactly the right size. Unfortunately the pink see-through fluffy G-string knickers weren't, and, as a result, our Phil became a walking biology lesson – hence his nickname of Growler. If Phil won't explain the nickname ‘Growler’ to you just see any of the lads who were on the ‘do’ – they all got photo's…..perverts….I tried to stop them Phil.

I'd like to finish with a toast to the most important people today, who we have all taken into our hearts, who mean so much to us and without them this day would not have been the success that it has and will be. Ladies and Gentlemen please raise your glasses and join me in a toast to… [Pause] the bar staff!

Phil and Suzanne, just remember;

you don't marry the person you can live with,

you marry the one you cannot live without.

Ladies and Gentlemen please raise your glasses to a wonderful brother, his beautiful wife, our fabulous bride and groom, Phil and Suzanne.

TOAST

Our Phil is probably thinking that he got away pretty lightly there. So, now that he is lulled into a false sense of security, I would like to add a little more to the rich tapestry of his life.

When it became known that I was to be Phil's Best Man I was inundated with offers of lewd photos from his so-called friends in an effort, I believe, to embarrass him. Being a loyal brother I didn't take them up on these offers……..(pick up poster size photo of nude Phil made up as a fake advert – wrapped in brown paper)……as I already had it sorted!!!

I've spoken about Phil's good luck. Well he has been unlucky as well, particularly his attempt at modelling. He is highly modest and not many people are aware of his modelling experience. He found great success as a glamour model, however, his career was tragically cut short by a horrific injury sustained whilst juggling a cheese grater. Whilst he could no longer do full frontal nudity and, tragically, can't father any children, there was a niche market that he exploited. I know Phil's eyes will well up when I tell him that I have been able to retrieve some original artwork for one particularly successful advertising campaign that Phil was involved in and would like to present him with it. I know that he will be eager to share this moment with you all.