Speech by Paul Phillips

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Phillips
Speech Date: Aug2007
First, let me start by saying thank you to the bride and groom for letting me be the best man today and also I'd like to the opportunity to say that Natasha looks absolutely beautiful. It's a real pleasure to welcome her into our family &amp she looks one in a million.. Andy.… you look.. won in a raffle!

May I say **** the bridesmaid also looks beautiful today &amp thank you for looking after Natasha, and of course James you did an excellent job as page boy, thank you. I know all of them have put a tremendous amount of effort in to the planning of this wedding and I can only hope that, apart from this speech, everything else will have exceeded their expectations.
For some of you who don't know me, my names Paul, Andy &amp Pam's younger brother – our parents were obliviously so disappointed with their first and second attempt they decided to try again…soon after is when I met the groom.

Now if anyone has ever been a Best Man before I'm sure you will appreciate how nerve racking this is. I know some of the lads here have got a book going on the length of my speech..well I put 㿀 quid on 2 hours 15 minutes so get yourselves comfy…

I want to make sure I do Andy proud today, I've been worried about this speech so Andy took me aside before to calm me down and said that if I do a good job and take it easy on him, I can be Best man at his next wedding……

I'm sure all the men here today will agree it's a sad day and a great loss that Natasha is now officially off the singles market, and ladies I'm sure you will agree that today has passed without so much as a ripple regarding Andy.

One thing that is traditional on a best man's speech I believe is to talk about the grooms past girlfriends.… but I find such private talk quite vulgar – in fact, we were just saying earlier today how glad we are that the recent outbreak of foot and mouth in the UK has prevented many of them traveling here.

Another thing that's traditional to do in a best man speech is pick up certain character traits of the groom. I have to mention one of Andy's deadly sins – he's always been mean- obliviously not nasty mean, well no….… but penny pinching mean and thriftiness mean – if you look closely at the back of his head he has a little red mark….that's because if anyone drops a ٟ coin on the floor he bends down to get it so quick the money actually lands on the back of his head…..and only 20p for a trolley at Tesco's – what a bargain, he's got loads in his garden!
I also I decided that it might be a good idea to ask people what they thought of Andy. So I spoke to a couple of his work colleagues and apparently they refer to him as godlike…

* He's rarely seen
* He's holier than thou
* And if he ever does any work, it's a bloody miracle. That dyslexic lad also called you a first class banker….didn't know you worked in a bank?

I also spoke to some other people and one person actually told me that they thought he was conceited, selfish, arrogant, untidy, smelly and insensitive……Thanks for that Natasha.

It's fair to say and obvious to some that Andy was an really ugly and bad behaved baby, in fact I was talking to the Midwife from his birth the other day – she still hasn't got over the birth, she said that she didn't know if to slap Andy when he was born or slap my mum and dad….and poor mum she had terrible morning sickness right up to his 2nd birthday.
Like most brothers we've always had our fair share of rivalry, we always used to try to beat each other up, always tried to get each other into trouble &amp we've certainly had our fair share of ups and downs. I remember back to times when a petty argument would come from nowhere. Andy would call me ginger nut, and I'd call him big nose and then it would spiral out of all proportion and we'd each end up running home in tears. But 9 times out of 10, the next day, Andy would drop an email from work and we'd make up and meet for a pint.

Now before I forget I think I ought to ask for everyone to keep an eye on Andy this evening as I've learnt that he's got a habit of being sick every time he drinks too much. So if anyone feels the urge to buy the groom a drink this evening.. stop, think &amp buy the best man one instead, I believe the best man excepts cash and visa.

Before I finish I think it's my role to give Andy some marital advice
. From the start set the ground rules with your wife and decide who wears the trousers. Then do everything that your told.
. When you're in the wrong, apologise and admit it like a man.
. When you're in the right – keep quiet!
. Always remember the three little special words ..&quotyour right dear&quot
. Buy flower regularly – but not too often as it becomes suspicious.
. Always remember your anniversary date – the best way to remember this is to forget it once ……..eh dad?

I've also got some messages to read out from friends that unfortunately couldn't make it today……
. Thanks for the lazy weekends by the pool, I hope you made the right decision…from Michael Barrymore.
. All the girls from Mr Magooes massage parlour in Birkenhead send their congratulations.
. A message from Wane and June Forkin…in fact all the Forkin family send their best wishes.
. I've a lovely message here from your pet rock that you used to keep in a fish tank in your bedroom….remember….was it called &quotPUBE&quot He and pebbles, his partner send their love and best wishes &amp will soon invite you to their wedding on Shell Island I remember that you used to make me feed that rock whilst you were at work

Now on a serious note..I believe there's some confusion about the honeymoon location – I heard a conversation before that you're going to North Wales and not staying in Italy…is that right? No, I heard you say to Tony that you were going to Banger for a week.

I'd like to finish up by saying what a great honor it's been to be best man today, thank you and I hope you're glad you picked me. On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to echo what was said earlier and thank everyone for sharing their special day.

So then, Ladies and gentlemen boys and girls, it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Andy &amp Natasha, the new Mr and Mrs. Phillips. We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

Andy and Natasha……..