Speech by Paul Rafftery

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Rafftery
Speech Date: Aug2007
INTRO:

Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen. I would first like to thank you all for coming today and helping to make Groom and Bride's wedding such a memorable and special occasion. Personally, I wish you'd all stayed at home and made my job a little less nerve wracking.

It has however been said that wedding guests are the most forgiving of audiences and they'll laugh at even the lamest joke. I hope that's right because over the next 10 minutes or so I will be severely testing this theory.

I feel I should start by saying that Bride looks absolutely stunning today!

As does the bridesmaid. I would like to say Bridesmaid has performed her duties outstandingly today! It can't have been easy dragging Bride to the church … especially considering she knew what the outcome would be.

For those of you who don't know me, I am Paul. And I have the honour of being Groom's best man. And it is a great honour, but in all honesty I am actually a little nervous doing this, but I feel a bit comforted by the fact I have actually rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience at the local old peoples home, … I think it went down well, they all wet themselves anyway.

When Groom asked me to be his best man I was initially thrilled at the prospect. But it didn't take long for this feeling of well being to dissolve into utter apprehension as I remembered the last time I had to stand up in front of a room full of people. I was found guilty and fined 㿀0…

So I hope you lot will be a little bit more forgiving than the last lot were.

MIDDLE:

I've known Grroom and Bride a long time. In fact I've actually known Bride longer than I've known Groom.

Things could have turned out very differently if Bridehadn't spurned my own advances. I recall having an argument with someone and betting that she would rather kiss me than him. When we put it to the test she had no hesitation telling me that there was no way on earth she would ever kiss me in a million years. The rejection was very hard to take, six years old is a very sensitive time in a young man's life after all.

I remember they first got together during a high school science trip to London. At first Bride wasn't really all that keen, apparently Groom just wasn't dominant enough! Well fortunately he certainly was persistent, and over the next few months he eventually wore her down and she became his girlfriend. He has been wearing her down ever since and eventually 15 years later he eventually managed to get her down the aisle!

During the service today I couldn't help thinking its funny how history repeats itself, I mean it was 30 years ago Bride's Mother and Bride's Father were sending their daughter to bed with a dummy………and it's happening all over again today.

I'm sure you'll all agree it's been a wonderful day so far and it can't have been easy to organise. I imagine Bride must have been feeling a little nervous, hoping everything would go as planned

The flowers, the seating plan, the rings, making it to the church on time and so on.

Of all the things that could go wrong I can guess which one will be worrying her the most, and it would probably relate to a persistent habit of Groom's that has reared it's ugly head quite literally many times over the years:

Many of you who know Groom will know that whenever he has had one too many he gets the irresistible urge to strip. One common ploy is to engage whoever is about in a game of strip poker, he doesn't think anyone will notice that he consistently throws his hand.

One such incident occurred as recently as the stag do in Chester. Every one was having a good time in the nightclub until about 2 in the morning when the inevitable happened. Typically Groom ended up starkers in the middle of the dancefloor. Everybody in the club was hugely amused by this, Everyone that is except for the six foot five bouncer barreling his way across the dancefloor. “You're leaving” he said as he dragged him towards the rear exit, Andy asked “Can't I at least pull my pants back up?”………………”No!”.

I figured Groom may be having a few beers tonight so in light of this I thought I would try and do something to alleviate Bride's concerns. I took it upon myself to bring something along she can use to cover him up if the same thing should happen again tonight.

Groom, please could you stand up…I've bought you a gift

Give groom gift bag with T-shirt inside with photos of him scantily clad on front and back.

I'd just like you to try it on to make sure it fits OK

Groom please can you turn round to make sure it looks OK at the back?

Groom also has many other traits and qualities other than the desire to get naked, so I thought I would like to spend a couple of minutes sharing a few of these with you:

Loyalty:

One of Groom's strongest traits is loyalty, he is a Stoke City fan after all. A team that has done nothing except disappoint him and betray his hopes and dreams for the past 5 years. If that is anything to go by Bride doesn't have to make any effort for the next 5 years, she can make him miserable, break all her wedding vows and generally walk all over him……and he'll still feel that things will turn around come May.

Charm:

It's not really surprising Bride fell for Groom, he has always did have a silver tongue when it came to the ladies! One such example occurred in his school days before he and Bride got together. He was at a party and had had a few beers.

To Groom's parents: Sorry Grooms Father,Groom's Mother, I hope it's not too much of a shock that Groom used to get drunk when he was still at school.

The object of his affections was not actually at the party and obviously Groom believed that with his charms a quick phone call would bring her running. So he called her and decided to explain to her in somewhat graphic detail just what exactly he had in mind if she were to come over.

To Bride: Sorry Bride I hope it's not too much of a shock that he used to talk dirty to other women.

I'm afraid I can't really divulge the exact nature of what Andy was suggesting but I believe the words “BABY OIL”, “TIME OF YOUR LIFE” and ?0 GALLON HAT!” were used.

Suffice to say you can probably imagine his horror when the voice at the other end of the phone turned out not to be the girl………………… but her Mum!

Even after he realised it was her Mum, he was still willing to hedge his bets!

To be fair to the guy he really must have some charm as after a knock on her door and a bunch of flowers he had managed to smooth it all over!

Tenacity – Determination to Finish what he has Started Quite literally!

In his first year at University Groom made it on to the University football team. After one away match in Exeter the team embarked upon a little post match drinking. On the minibus on the way home I am told he was feeling a little worse for wear and felt the need to be sick, he made it to the window in time and promptly sprayed the M4 and any traffic following behind with the contents of his stomach. Not satisfied with this show of depravity when he later felt the need for the toilet he decided the convenience of the window had worked well for him already, so why shouldn't it once again?

He proceeded to relieve himself. Unfortunately he didn't anticipate the upcoming bend in the road. As the van turned the bend, Andy fell backwards onto a pile of his team mates’ bags midstream. It is testament to Groom's tenacity that he didn't let this hiccup stop him finishing what he had started.

If only he'd been holding onto something of a bit more substance at the time this may not have happened!!

Unfortunately for Groom this isn't the only toilet related mis-hap he has had. I recall a few years ago a bunch of us went to stay with a friend at University in Huddersfield. He only had a small room and there were about six of us crammed in after a fairly big night out. Groom woke up needing the toilet whilst the rest of us were asleep.

Now Groom is a very considerate kind of guy, and as such got up to do his business as quietly as possible. Unfortunately for Friend's name, Groom's consideration didn't quite stretch as far as making it to the bathroom, instead it stretched about as far as the radiator at the bottom of his bed!! which incidentally had one of Friend's name towels drying on it!

WRAP-UP:

In all honesty I'd have to stay that one of Groom's best qualities is that of friendship. He's been a great friend to me over the years and I am sure there are many people in this room who would say the same thing.

When you make a friend of Groom you make a friend for life. Over the years he has always been there to have a laugh with, have a beer with, to listen and to give good advice.

In light of this I feel I would like to offer him a few words of wisdom myself. Not being married myself though, I sought the advice of happily married couples – unfortunately I couldn't find any! But I did come across the following advice nontheless:

1. Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss – then do everything she says

2. Secondly, don't forget, if you buy her flowers, she knows you're guilty, and she will remember, to the second, the last time you bought her some … AND the reason why!

3. Third, the best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once.

4. Fourth, Married Life Can Be Compared To Football … so, Be Fully Committed Every Week And Make Sure You Score Every Saturday. Make sure you change ends at half time and don't put your tackle in too hard or you might injure yourself.

However, Bride Assures Me That Playing Away From Home, Could Result In A Serious Groin Injury, And Is Definitely The Quickest Way Onto The Transfer List.

I thought it best not to mention anything about diving in the box.
Well, that's probably enough of my ramblings. I think the time has come to ask everyone in the room to be upstanding……………

I would like to raise a toast to the most important people in the room……….…

The barstaff!

Joking aside, I'd like to say it's a privilege to be the one who gets to stand up here today and say words that everyone in the room must be thinking.

The two of you are both wonderful people and you make a lovely couple. I know you will make each other very happy for years to come.

So please raise your glasses in a toast to the new Mr and Mrs Surname.… To Groom and Bride.

Thank you and enjoy the rest of the day.