Speech by Paul & Rob

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul & Rob
Speech Date: 17/05/2012 17:24:09

ROB (Italic)

Paul (non-italic)

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. For those of you who don't know us we are Paul and Rob and two of Kevin's best friends.  We have the honour of being his best men…….and it is a great honour, but in all honesty we are actually a little nervous about doing this.… but we do feel a bit comforted by the fact that we have actually rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience..… It was at the local old people's home, …… we think it went down well,…..they all pissed themselves anyway!

Firstly we would like to ask the happy couple to take part in an age old wedding day tradition – Tiff could you place both your hands on the table in front of you palms down, and now Kevin could you place your hands palm down on top of Tiff's –isn't that nice, please stay like this throughout the speech and we will explain the significance a little later on.

When Kevin asked us to be his best men……..it was like being asked to sleep with the Queen…….a great honour….but nobody really wants to do it!!!!!

But we said yes and then immediately started to worry about the speech……so……we looked on the internet for ideas…….with resources at our fingertips we began GOOGLING away……..after a couple of hours we found some REALLY good stuff…………..but then we remembered that we were supposed to be looking for BEST MAN TIPS….and had to delete the history off the computer before our wives got home!!!!

I suppose one of the first things the best men should do is explain is how they know the groom. Well, being good friends we are very close. There's nothing we wouldn't do for Kevin, likewise there's nothing Kevin wouldn't do for us, in fact we spend most of our time doing nothing for each other.

Joking aside it is a great privilege to be asked by Kevin to be his best man. He has quite generously returned the favour that I asked of him 6 years ago, during which Kevin took the opportunity to make lots of cheap jokes at my expense, so I now have the right to reply.

And Kevin always being the glutton for punishment didn't think that one best man ruining his reputation would be enough so he asked me to do him the honour as well.

We are more than a bit nervous about doing a speech, but we would like to say…… everyone here can rest assured….unlike most traditional best man speeches….which are full of sexual innuendo we have promised Kevin and Tiff that if there is anything even slightly risqué…….we'll whip it out immediately!!!

You know during the service today we couldn't help thinking its funny how history repeats itself, I mean it was 30 years ago that Tiff was being sent to bed with a dummy…..and it's happening all over again today.

Kevin insisted that we followed as many wedding day traditions and customs as possible….in our role as best men……..so the first custom we will adhere to is.… making sure our speech lasts the same length of time the groom makes love for on his wedding night……so…[LOOK AT WATCH] we've already well over run…[RAISE GLASS]…the bride and groom!!! [SIT DOWN]

We must point out about 10 mins before we started Tiff gave us a list of DO's and DONT's that she would like us to stick to ……

1 – DONT mention any ex-girlfriends [THROW AWAY ONE CARD]

2 – DONT swear [THROW AWAY ONE CARD]

3 – DONT tell any rude jokes [THROW AWAY ONE CARD]

4 – DONT tell any lies [THROW AWAY ONE CARD]

5 – DO tell positive stories about Kevin [THROW AWAY THREE CARDS]

Seriously we would like to thank Kevin for his kind words on behalf of everyone here today..… everyone here looks great and has made a huge effort ………..Only being outdone by the bride herself…..Tiff……who is looking absolutely STUNNING……..Kevin on the other hand…..… just looks STUNNED – doesn't he always!!!!

As well as this speech….our job today…….… was to get Kevin here

1 – ON TIME, 2 – SOBER…….and 3 – LOOKING GOOD

Well 2 out of 3 ain't bad………….we're best man not PLASTIC SURGEONS!!!!

In all the years I have known Kevin, no one has ever questioned his INTELLIGENCE……in fact……..no one has even mentioned it!!!

I will give you an idea of what I mean….his Mum tells us that he was a slow starter……at playschool…….… he was different from all the other 5 year olds………….he was 11 !!!!!!

I remember a time we were in PIZZA HUT….the waitress asked Kevin if he wanted his pizza cut into 4 pieces or 8 pieces………he said………you better make it 4…..I don't think I could manage 8!!!!

One strange but true story that we fell that we can share with you is the story of Kevin slipping a disc about a year ago. One morning the boys were getting ready for school and Kevin was laying on his bed reading a car magazine (that's what he says anyway) – when he had this uncontrollable urge to sneeze and as a result slipped a disc he still endeavoured to take the boys to school however on the way back and with the pain really kicking in he decided to crawl back home on his hands and knees. He had nearly made it all the way home without anyone seeing when one of his neighbours asked him if he was ok. Kevin replied yes thank you. 

So….Kevin and Tiff……you've got yourselves a lovely house, two fantastic boys (Elliott and Finley)…and now you've FINALLY got married….for BETTER or for WORSE…….which is quite appropriate…as KEVIN……you couldn't have done any BETTER…………………………………………….and TIFF….you couldn't have done any WORSE!!!!!!!

Joking aside, we'd like to say how sincerely pleased we are that you two have tied the knot……we know that we have told you before…but once more won't hurt…….KEVIN you are the best friend anyone could wish for and I can't imagine a world where you and TIFF aren't together and blissfully happy………..Just look at them [HAND GESTURE TOWARDS KEVIN AND TIFF]…….Their love seems so PURE and SIMPLE……….Tiff is PURE……….and Kevin is…….SIMPLE!!!!

We just have to read out a couple of messages sent from people who couldn't make it today……….

Dear Tiff I wish you and Kevin all the best on your wedding day but will never forget the love we had had for each other, all the best Brad Pitt.

And Kevin this message reads… ‘We hope to keep in touch with Kevin now that he is married, as he was our best ever customer……love from all the girls at Spearmint Rhinos!!!!

Kevin….how lucky are you?…You leave here today GAINING a partner that is WARM, LOVING, CARING, FUNNY and who RADIATES KINDNESS wherever she goes!!!…………………………..and Tiff…….how lucky are you?…………….you leave here today having gained…………………………………….a beautiful dress and some flowers!!!!!

And Kevin just remember that there are 2 main secrets of a happy marriage….

1 – Whenever you're in the WRONG……….ADMIT IT!!! and….2 – Whenever you're in the RIGHT………SHUT UP!!!

Now ladies and gentlemen some of you may be wondering why at the beginning of the speech we asked Kevin to place his hands on top of Tiff's – well Kevin this is going to be the last time you ever have the upper hand!!!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE BE UPSTANDING ……..RAISE YOUR GLASSES……..TO LOVE…….TO LAUGHTER…….TO A HAPPY EVER AFTER…..WE GIVE YOU………THE BRIDE AND GROOM!!!!