Speech by Paul Rowswell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Rowswell
Speech Date: oct 2003
Well, what can I say – What a beautiful ceremony, what a wonderful reception – I'm so overcome with emotion it has left me speechless!

Thank you and goodnight!

Unfortunately I managed to jot down a few words earlier, which as not being the greatest at public speaking gives me a chance to show you how nervous I am. But speaking of nerves I'm probably not as nervous as Stuart was earlier today

Stu – you left this in the toilet this morning mate! (Hand Stu brick)

Well I've heard that a best man's speech should last as long as it takes him to do his manly duty in bed ..… but as we haven't got all night I'll try to be brief!

Firstly I would like to Thank Stuart on behalf of the bridesmaid's for his kind words and I would like to add myself what an excellent job they have done and how wonderful they look – only being outshone by the beautiful bride – and even the groom scrubbed up pretty good for a change!

There are now a few messages from people who unfortunately are not with us today.

I have a message hear from everyone and East Peckham Rugby Club. It reads:

‘We've found Stuart to be useless in every position. Hope Sandra has more luck. Congratulations

There's one here to Stuart which reads:

‘One of our best customers, good luck and congratulations. Disappointed that Sandra turned down our quote for the catering, but at least now you're married you can have the chilli sauce next time you come in.’

That's from Ahmed at Kebab Express in Tonbridge.

And one final telegram which appears to be anonymous which reads:

‘ Sorry I couldn't be with you on your special day. I hope you have a super day and that your wedding night is like a well cooked chicken …… lots of tender white breast and thighs that fall apart’

When Stuart asked me to be his best man I naturally had many questions. What had I done to be given such an honour? Had others refused? Or even left the country? Or more importantly could I refuse and still get an invitation to consume loads of free alcohol? It was a risk I wasn't willing to take!

But seriously I consider it an honour and so far I've managed to fulfil my duties and now my last task is to deliver a speech and make an arse of myself at the same time – the latter of which I seem to be doing quite successfully!

I've know Stuart for about 17 years now – so if this speech is lacking in humour – I blame it on him, and the amount of time I've had had to spend listening to his rubbish jokes!

Whilst growing up Stuart was a big Star Wars fan with a huge collection of Star Wars toys – which many years ago, after an evening of watching the Star Wars movies back to back, ended up being hidden all over his house by his mates – something that he wasn't to impressed with – but personally I though Yoda looked quite at home in a box of Corn Flakes!

So today it looks like Han Solo has finally found his Princess Lea – but then that would make me Chewbacca – and I haven't quite got the hair for that job!

So I would like to say to Stuart on the biggest day of his life so far – ‘May the force be with you’

Throughout the years – Stuart has had a selection of bizarre haircuts which included a lovely set of curtains but that haircut wasn't quite as embarrassing as his pathetic attempt to grow a goatee which did look rather ridiculous!

But even more worrying is his taste in music – so at tonight's reception you could be hearing the greatest hits from Metallica and Take That!

His interest in Take that was particularly worrying considering he is a bloke and on one occasion I can remember him trying to dress identically to them wearing his leather waistcoat with no top on underneath displaying his perfectly honed body!

Stuart has had a few hobbies over the years – playing rugby, stealing For Sale signs or various items from Roadworks after a few drinks, skinny dipping in exotic locations such as Southend! He even flirted with a musical career as a drummer – or should I say flirted with lots of young ladies!

He also enjoys dressing up – particularly as a schoolboy! Which does make me wonder which outfits he displays purely for Sandra!

I suppose one of the reasons Stuart chose me to be his best man would be the fact that throughout many of our drunken escapades over the years I tend to end up in a worse state than him and as a result often suffer from memory loss and therefore I can't remember half of the things he has got up to – but I do remember he does take a particular liking to Bridesmaids!

Well we managed to return Stuart from his Stag Weekend without any injuries – if only I had been so lucky! But I did learn something new about Stuart over the weekend – the fact that he likes to bark like a dog!

There is a lot I could tell Sandra about Stuart's past but she has been with him long enough now I'm sure she knows enough about him and his habits such as drinking to excess, stopping out until the early hours, coming home smelling of curry and that lovely sweaty aroma that follows him – but that's enough about Stuart's good points!

I first realised how serious it was between Stuart and Sandra when he started to turn down my invitations to come out for a few drinks – hopefully Sandra will still let him out occasionally in the future.

My first impressions of Sandra were that she is beautiful, witty, clever, friendly and thoughtful – and now she has found Stuart it has finally proved to me that opposites really do attract!

After all my digs at Stuart, I suppose I should say a few good words about the groom. Personally I couldn't ask for a better friend. He is a top bloke who has stood by me throughout the years and propped me up on numerous occasions when I have had too much to drink and he and Sandra are both equally as lucky to have found each other.

This is the part when I am supposed to give my advice on marriage – but being a single man myself, I'm not best placed to give my wisdom on this subject, but I have managed to relate marriage to one of my more specialist subjects – alcohol!

Sandra – Men are like a fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have your dinner with!

On the other hand Stuart, women are also like a fine wine, they will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age, until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache!

But I am aware that with marriage the groom does get and unexpected gift, which stays with him for the rest of his life –

(Hand Stu ball and chain) – There you go mate!

Well actually I do have a piece of advice for Stuart – mate when it comes down to it the only words you will need to remember to have a peaceful life are ‘OK dear just buy it’

Well ladies and gentleman, if you could all be upstanding and raise your glasses and join me in a toast to the two most important people here this evening, without whom today would not have been possible, and I'm sure you will all get a chance to spend some time with them later. …….… Ladies & Gentleman .… The Bar Staff!

Well they are important to me anyway!

On a more serious note I would like to say what an honour it is to be chosen to be Stuart's best man today as I couldn't ask for a better friend and in Sandra he has found someone equally as wonderful.

If you could once again all be upstanding and raise your glasses and join me in a toast to Stuart & Sandra

I wish you all the happiness in the world for your future lives together – Ladies & Gentleman – Mr & Mrs Dedman!

And finally I'd just like to apologise to those of you who have enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I have enjoyed writing it!