Speech by Paul Rushton

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Rushton
Speech Date: june 2003

Good afternoon everyone, my name is Paul and for those of you that haven't worked it out I have been sentenced to being Rs Best Man today.

Firstly on behalf of Helen and Emily our beautiful bridesmaids I'd like to thank R for his kind words, they have indeed done a wonderful job today. I'd also like to add my own thanks to them for their help in arranging the joint Hen night and Stag do for R and E .… details of which I will come to later .…

Now when R asked me to be his Best Man , many months ago now, I was obviously honoured. After the initial feeling of flattery I soon realised that 1 I would have to stand up in front of so many people and give a speech and 2 I would have to say some nice things about R and to be honest I've had very little experience of either / neither filled me with pleasure .… so please bear with me . I must admit though its gratifying to know I'm not the only apprehensive one here today .. after all she has just married R

Now I've never been a best man before and I have taken my responsibilities seriously so to help me in this task I must admit I did consult a book on the subject and was a little mystified by some of my responsibilities .. the advice included “Help the groom dress” .. now I'm sorry R but if you haven't learnt by now then your getting no help from me … I do take some credit however for persuading him that his favourite Fat Face fleece wasn't appropriate attire for his wedding day .. that was a close one though

I'm glad to say I was successful in several of my other responsibilities like getting him to the church on time and ensuring R had a peaceful nights sleep last night … he slept like a baby in fact … kept waking every hour crying for his mummy but other than that it was fine. …

Now we come to the part of the speech where I get to perform a gentle character assassination on our groom and embarrass him in front of you all .. Those of you that have seen R on the dance floor will know he's perfectly capable of embarrassing himself but it would be churlish of me to pass up this opportunity so I thought it would be appropriate if I gave those that don't know R that well a little bit of background on him so that we can all get to have a little bit of fun at his expense.

I did promise E however though that I wouldn't be too harsh and that unlike traditional best mans speeches there'd be no sexual innuendo.. so I'd like to reassure you before I start E that if there's anything slightly risqué I'll whip it out immediately.

Now I've only known R for about 8 years … although it does feel like twenty … I did wonder whether he selected me as best man to make take advantage of the fact that I didn't have any ammunition on him for the first 24 years or so of his life which therefore puts some very embarrassing stories out of reach And so unfortunately I've had to rely on R more than I would have wished to get the details of his past.

Apparently the young R Carter was an exceptionally gifted child.. After publishing his first novel at 13 R went on to conduct the Royal Philharmonic and lecture at the Royal Institute before deciding to opt to study business in his late teens. He apparently turned down offers from Harvard and Cambridge in order to study at that other great beacon of learning Bristol Polytechnic. He then followed this with further study at Lancashire Poly after which he began work for ******** and moved to ******* which is where I first met him.

I met R when I was looking for someone to share the costs of a house rental when I first moved to ****** .. and this is a true story which R will verify …There was an old lady who ran a small introductions agency for people looking for house shares … basically she gave you a short interview and matched you up with other house hunting people she thought you'd get along with much like a dating agency!…
Now I specifically requested to be matched up with a petite bubbly little blonde which is how I ended up with R… next time I will definitely pay more attention to specifying gender

However we , along with another fella, finally found a decent house to move into, which R now owns, or should I say R and E now own, and we started down our path of friendship. That was about 8 years ago now and we've been great friends ever since … sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I didn't have a friend like R … often the smile can last for two or three days ..
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Seriously though it was great to meet a mate like R who shared my passion for both pubs and football. Indeed both R and I both ended up playing football for W***** City FC. R is well known for his competitive streak and his enthusiasm and effort on the pitch usually outweigh his prodigous lack of talent … which reminds me that the football team sent a little message for you R and E … it reads …

E we have tried R in all possible positions and have found him to be absolutely useless, hope you have better luck tonight.

R is actually known in the football team as Forrest Gump because as well as encouraging him to run …we also have to tell him when to stop running and turn around when he reaches the edge of the pitch. … Its things like these that in fact it makes me wonder what happened to R between his gifted childhood and when he met me as he seems to have deteriorated terribly … this is the man who explained the concept of Irony to me with the immortal words .. Irony its like goldy and silvery only its made of iron … He's the only man I know that thinks Ellesmere port is an after dinner wine ..

Anyway back to the story .. It was about a year or so after I met R that he began dating E .. unfortunately I wasn't present at their first meeting but, rather fittingly , it was in the pub. R and E had a romantic walk back along the river from that first meeting and their romance has been sealed ever since.

There was a long period however when we thought E was a figment of Rs imagination since she could never be persuaded to swap the high life in London to visit R in sleepy *****, hence we never actually saw her ..it wouldn't have been the first time that R had had a pretend girlfriend but we were proved wrong in the end .. E did indeed exist and over the years the loving couple grew ever closer until, some months back now, R did the decent thing and proposed to E.

As R has already told you, being the romantic he is he waited until they were scheduled to be back at Es families farm, where we are today, and popped the question when they were in the sheep field … now there were those of us that questioned the wisdom of proposing in front of all his ex girlfriends like that but he seemed to get away with it as E agreed readily.

R and E are so close that typically they couldn't bear to be apart even on their hen and stag nights. It was arranged for both to be in the same city that the two groups could meet up later in the evening. Now obviously I have no idea what happened on the hen night but as far as the stag do goes to be fair R was as good as gold on and enthusiastically put on the lovely skirt, blouse, blonde pigtails and make up we got for him for the evening … he did however refuse the handbag as he said it didn't go with his shoes .. I'd like to tell you more but I can't really go into any further details about the stag do, but best of luck in court next week R.

… That was a couple of months back now and in terms of R and Es story that pretty much brings us up to todays happy occasion

Now traditionally I'm also supposed to impart some words of wisdom and advice to the happy couple as they embark on their future together as man and wife. However since I have not yet had the pleasure of tying the knot myself I feel I'm not really in a position to impart too much advice since in my opinion they already make the perfect couple … R makes a mess , E tidies up … E cooks the food, R eats it … E tends the garden, R tends to kill it

To give you an insight however into who really controls the levers of power in this relationship perhaps I could just let you into a secret piece of advice that E told me a few years ago which probablyably sums up how she has moulded R into the fine upstanding gent we see before us today.., she said to me Paul, Men are like a fine wine , They start out like grapes and it is a woman's job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with. … E you've done a great job of which we are all appreciative

Well its been an absolute privilege to stand before you today and basically make stuff up about R for our amusement but to be serious for just a moment I'd like to thank R for his friendship over the last 8 years I couldn't have asked for a better mate which is no real surprise to me as he is basically a genuinely nice bloke. R you're very lucky to have married such a beautiful, intelligent and exceptional woman in E. E well you married R, what more can I say

Perhaps the only advice I could give you both is to not change a thing as you seem to have been doing a fantastic job so far …

Now I started planning this speech weeks ago and I'm sure you feel like I've been delivering it for just as long so it gives me great pleasure not to mention relief to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to R and E , Mr and Mrs ***** no less. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage … to R and E …