Speech by Paul Saunders

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Saunders
Speech Date: Jun 2002
Ladies and Gentlemen on behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank everybody for coming. I'd like to thank the bridesmaids – Lydia, Jade and Emma who I think you'll all agree, look great in their dresses and I would like to thank Craig and Jen on their behalf for the necklaces that they were given earlier today.

For those of you who don't know me my name is Paul and I have been given the honour of being Craig's best man. I have known Craig for as long as I can remember: actually my memory is quite poor and only stretches back as far as a week last Wednesday; but I'm sure I've known him for longer that!

I would like anybody with a camera to please take a photo of Craig in his suit and pass it on to me afterwards as I want this once in a lifetime only situation documented. Those of you who know Craig well will know he only wears shorts, in fact we've gone to great lengths to stop him from cutting his suit trousers above the knees before today!

I came to the decision a few years ago that despite the best efforts of his ‘friends’ to prove otherwise – Craig is indestructible. Over the years our tightly knit group of friends have taken many opportunities to try to bump Craig off, I have myself tried once by dropping an engine on his head when we were working on a car (I promise it was an accident). Fortunately the only injuries sustained during this accident were a lightly grazed nose and a set of underpants way beyond repair!
I was not the only person to use a car to try to get rid of Craig. He was helping me with a petrol tank change on one of my cars and we had the tank disconnected, empty of fuel but full of vapours and Craig lying underneath when along comes Chris with a lit cigarette in hand. Chris leans over the car and says ‘how's it going lads?’ – another pair of pants bite the dust!

This revelation that several of Craig's best friends have tried to bump him off should not be too surprising when you consider that Craig daily tries to kill himself and anyone who has seen him ride a bike will know what I mean.
It is very unnerving as a learner driver to have some idiot on a mountain bike jumping on and off the pavement in front of you whilst on one of your lessons trying to put you off as my driving instructor Mr. Pashley will testify. Little did Mr. Pashley know that less than a year later he would be the poor sod who actually had to sit next to Craig in a motor vehicle, and how he suffered – the government decided four times that Craig should not be on the road – I'm with them!

Craig as some of you will know works in a sports shop in town (hardly looks like Mr Motivator does he?) but that is not what Craig really wanted to do, he wanted to be a fireman. Now I respect anyone who wants to be a fireman, it is a very dangerous, gruelling and physical job. Lets look at Craig's suitability for the job shall we:
Physcial – Despite being vertically challenged Craig was always of stocky build and pretty strong – no problem with the physical aspect of the job.
Dangerous – Craig is suicidal remember so not problems with danger either.

In-fact you'd think Craig was the perfect guy for the job, however, there is one more aspect of the job that needs to be considered – the ability to put out fires and this is where the problems start! My parents (who still don't know about this) went away on holiday and left me to look after the house, Craig decided to cook a fry-up one morning. The frying pan went over the highest heat possible, when the oil was spitting the block of eight frozen sausages was thrown in; the flames went as high as the white ceiling. Craig calmly took the frying pan by the handle as I was unlocking the back door for him so he could take it outside, he went to the cold tap at the sink as I left the house screaming at him not to turn the tap on! It seems that no one told Craig that firemen do not start infernos just so that they can put them out again, the sausages were cooked in less than 10 seconds and were very nice too.

Considering Craig's suicidal tendencies his enthusiasm for life is tremendous and was not reserved just for his friends as my dear Gran on climbing out of a taxi in the middle of town found out. She heard a voice saying ‘CHARGE HER DOUBLE SHE'S NOT REALLY AN OAP’, I firmly believe that only Craig could get away with saying things like that – my 89 year old gran did get her OAP discount by the way!

Over the years Craig and I have stuck together through thick and thin, once such ‘thick’ occasion (which does describe us quite nicely for having done this) was when we were happily sitting in the kitchen at my house enjoying a drink on a lovely summers day. The very same day that we were supposed to be sitting THE most important exam of our lives to date – GCSE Maths. In actual fact we were just six minutes from the start of the exam when we noticed – I lived exactly 1.1 miles from the high school. We made it with just one minute to spare after having dumped our bikes, we ran into the school absolutely dripping with sweat only to find the exam had been delayed by 45mins.

TURN TO CRAIG

Craig, despite many of these situations over the years you and I are still very good friends and if you show half the commitment to Jen as you do to your friends then I'm sure this marriage will be very successful.

TURN TO JEN

Jen, if you want this marriage to last for a long time; don't let him cook fry-ups and please don't let him get a motorbike!

Now this is the strangest part of my speech maybe not for everyone sitting in front of me but for me this will seem strange, as I ask you all to raise a glass not to Craig and Jen as we have known them for the last few years; but to Mr and Mrs Craig and Jennifer Cole.