Speech by Paul Spencer

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Spencer
Speech Date: Jun 2001
Ladies and Gentlemen

I'm Spencer, and as your best man for today I'd like to begin by thanking Gary on behalf of the bridesmaids, for his kind words…
I'm sure everyone here will agree that the Bridesmaids do indeed look stunning and have helped to makes this a truly wonderful day.…

Somebody once said that being asked to be Best Man is much like being asked to sleep with the Queen Mum.… It's a great honor… but no one really wants to do it…

Now apparently…I'm supposed to sing the groom's praises and tell you all about his good points.… Unfortunately Ladies and Gentlemen…I can't sing and I won't lie…

So if you don't mind I'll move straight on the tales of drunken debauchery…

But what can I say about Gary that hasn't already appeared in an episode of the Jerry Springer Show?

Well in the 15 years I've known Gary… he has been kind enough to give me endless ammunition for just such an occasion….but out of respect for the happy couple on this…their big day I have decided NOT to tell.

…So I'm NOT going to tell you about the Sunday morning in a churchyard…where an elderly couple had the great misfortune of witnessing the already legless Mr Butler…stagger out of the pub and vomit at their feet…

…Nor am I going to talk about the time in Amsterdam…when again … slightly the worse for wear…he collapsed and narrowly avoided death by tram…

…Nor am I'm going to mention the time when we were all thrown out of a football ground….having been forcibly ejected we were met buy a large number of police officers who informed us that any further nonsense would lead to a night in the cells…..Of course Gary has always been of the mind to question such decisions…but the policeman…quite understandably…didn't seem to appreciate Gary's description of his mother…and needless to say it wasn't long before Gary was in the comfort of his own cell…

This inquisitive nature…has as you can imagine led Gary into some embarrassing situations…Even as a very young child for example….his reaction to seeing a Black person for the first time was to run his finger down the gentleman's back to see if the colour rubbed off…

Moving on to more current times, the pre-Becca version of Gary is not actually that different to the present version… he is still described as being arrogant…tight-fisted and on the whole pretty miserable.… and let's face it…his mother should know.

On a more sincere note I'd like to express my heartfelt congratulations to you both, and to thank you for honoring me with the role of best man. Having known Gary for over half my life I think of him like a brother… an unpleasantly hairy and slightly simple brother…but a brother none the less.

There is genuinely nothing I wouldn't do for him and I know equally there is nothing he wouldn't do for me….In fact we spend our whole lives doing absolutely nothing for each other.

Tradition dictates…that at this juncture…I should divulge some words of wisdom to aid the newly married couple in their future life together…
Having skillfully avoided taking the vows myself…I can't pretend to be a higher authority on this…..but personally I feel Groucho Marx probably had it about right when he said ‘that Marriage is a wonderful institution but who wants to live in a institution?’

Ladies and Gentlemen…I shan't take much more of your time because of my throat……if I go on too long Becca has threatened to cut it.

But before I move on to the cards, on behalf of the bride and groom, I would like to thank everyone here for coming and making this such a special day…

…But from those unable to make it here today I do have a couple of messages I'd like to share…

Cards

At this point all that remains.… is for me to sincerely thank George and Mary for putting on such a fine spread and to take this opportunity to wish Gary & Becca the very best for this great new chapter in their lives, so ladies and gentlemen… will you please be upstanding… raise your glasses and join me in a toast… to the new… Mr and Mrs B*********.