Speech by Paul Stevenson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Stevenson
Speech Date: Jul 2002
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. I hope you are all enjoying yourselves. I'm sure you'll agree that everything has gone well so far. Unfortunately you can't expect 100% perfection so as every SILVER LINING has a CLOUD….[PAUSE]… I'm it and you'll just have to suffer me for the next few minutes.

Don't worry, following the speeches we've already heard this will be short, as I couldn't follow a word of P's.

Personally I wish you had all stayed at home as this is not the first time today that I've stood up from a warm seat with a bit of paper in my hand.

As you have probably guessed I am the best man. My full name for those of you who don't know me is Paul would you like a drink, so don't be afraid of using it when addressing me at the bar.

FORNICATION….[PAUSE]…sorry, for an occasion such as this, the best man has several duties…

1. Bring a chequebook or credit card for forgotten payments

No problem, I lifted P's wallet on the Stag do and I've been practising his signature all week.

2. Help the groom dress

Thankfully I was nowhere near him when he got dressed as I am sure it's not a pretty site.

3. Ensure the Groom uses the toilet before going into the church

I think he should be able to manage that or C has just taken on a lot more than she expected.

4. Dance with the Bride after the Groom and her father

Not a problem and given P dances like a distressed giraffe with a broken leg I think it may be quite fun for C.

Now I know it is customary for the best man to take this great opportunity to prove to you all that P is not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer but I'm not going to ….[PAUSE]… as it would just be poking fun at P's expense …[Pause]… and to be honest we've been doing that for years.

So instead I'll start with a few tried and tested best man words of wisdom, join in if you know the words:

• Never go to bed angry…..always stay up and fight

• The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

• A husband's last word should always be ‘YES DEAR’.

• In a woman's dictionary an ARGUMENT is defined as:

” A discussion that occurs when the wife is right but the husband just hasn't realised that yet.”

• And finally always try to help with the cleaning..…

Pick up your feet when she is doing the hovering.

However,……….… I do remember that when we were younger, we didn't always get on. P would call me thick and I would call him smelly then we would both run home crying. Then he would email me from work and we would make up.

Still after today when we've all gone back to our normal lives we can always look back at this wedding knowing that P and C have got married for better or for worse. Quite appropriate really as P couldn't do any BETTER and C certainly couldn't do any WORSE.

Which reminds me of a story someone once told me:

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies. The husband pauses; the words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued..

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have been released today".

Anyway, just before we arrived I was given a few messages to read out from all those that a promise of free food and booze couldn't convince them to leave the sofa and TV this afternoon:

C, Best wishes on you special day, I am sorry we couldn't make it work – Ricki Martin.

[REAL MESSAGE]

P, thanks for everything. I will never forget our nights by the pool – Michael Barrymore

Now P, you really are a lucky bloke marrying C. She is a lovely person and she deserves a good husband so well done thank GOD you married her before she found one.

Anyway, I know it doesn't sound like it, but before writing this speech but I did do a bit of research and cornered a couple of his work colleges at the stag do.
I was pleasantly surprised to hear that many of his work mates consider him to be a God–like figure…[PAUSE].. as he's rarely seen, he's holier than thou and if he ever does any work it's a bloody miracle.

So, enough rambling, it's time to wrap this up with a traditional toast so for a couple of people who today we have all taken into our hearts, …[PAUSE]….who mean so much to us and without whom this day would not have been the success that it has been so .. ladies and gentlemen please raise your glasses and join me in a toast to…[PAUSE]… THE BAR STAFF.

No, sorry, to P and C, a nicer couple you couldn't hope to meet, so please raise your glass for a toast to the future happiness to Mr and Mrs [Grooms name], the Bride and Groom.

Thank you,