Speech by Paul Sullivan

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Sullivan
Speech Date: Oct2005
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, John and Carole, Sam and Joan, Mr and Mrs Peet the NewlyWeds. <pause for cheer>

For anybody who doesn't know me I'm Paul, and it is with great pleasure and pride that I am Steve's best man today. I'm not nervous about making this speech, any wobble or crack you might hear in my voice is purely down to a problem with the microphone I'm wearing.

Anyone who has participated in the sweepstake on the length of my speech should know that I asked my dad for advice on what to say and he said “make it a reflection of yourself, son. So here it is: Short Punchy and Simple!

I'd like to start my speech by making a few thank-you's –

I'd just like to say what an honour it has been for me to be best man, and what a pleasure it is for me to speak on behalf of the bridesmaids. I think you all will agree they have looked stunning today and have done an excellent job this afternoon in getting Michelle to the church on time (well actually I quite enjoyed seeing Steve's worried face so thanks for that delicious 20 minute delay!).

On their behalf, I thank Steve for his kind words.

On behalf of everybody here, thank-you to the Bride's parents John and Carole for inviting us. So, if I could raise a toast of thanks to John and Carole

Now that that's done we can move on to what we are all here for today….<sip wine> Of course … The free booze!

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their special day, particularly those who have travelled long distances. Its amazing the lengths people will go to for a free bar!

I'd like to thank the USHERS Richard, James and Lynsey without whom today… YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WHERE TO SIT ..… thanks guys you've done a great job .… <Applause>

AND, OF COURSE, .… Steve ….for ASKING ME to be his BESTMAN.… Steve and I go back some 5 years now, and during this time we've become very good friends. It's been a real honour.… I hope I've done ok mate. Thank you.

I thought the flowers looked beautiful in the Church today. The way the carnations perfectly complemented the pink in the Bridesmaids dresses was a wonderful touch ..… Hang on whats happened here? I think my girlfriend must have got at my notes. There's no way I'd say that I'm colourblind!

I must say it has been a wonderful day and a very emotional wedding even the cake is in tiers. (look at Jo – Start the car darling!)

I believe my main responsibilities for today were:
To ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober, and looking good
Well 2 out of 3 isn't bad. After all I'm best man, not a plastic surgeon!

I do HAVE TO SAY AT THIS POINT, how lucky you are Steve. YOU WILL LEAVE HERE MATE having gained a wife that is warm, loving and caring, a wife who is funny and who radiates beauty where ever she goes.
Steve you really are a very lucky guy, we have heard it already today but Michelle you really do look stunning.

AND Michelle…… HOW LUCKY YOU ARE AS WELL…yes that's right… YOU LEAVE TODAY having gained a GORGEOUS … DRESS and a lovely bouquet of flowers.

THE GROOM
So, now it is customary for me to tell everyone here a few things about Steve.

Michelle, I feel I need to tell you about the man you have married.
Steve can be described as Handsome, Witty, Intelligent, Generous, A supreme athlete and Per…Per…Sorry Steve, I'm having trouble reading your writing.

Seriously though, Steve is a very romantic, emotionally sensitive guy. In touch with his feelings and not afraid to express himself. Just look at this text message he sent me on the night I'd agreed to be his best man. <hold up phone> “Goodnight Darling I love you so much XXX”

Steve was born on the 23rd December 1977. I TRIED to link this to some major world event, but it seems that nothing else happened that day….although APPARENTLY the staff at Bury Hospital STILL call it ‘Monkey Boy Thursday’.

Steve was a talented student – his dad's just been proudly telling me all about this during the meal. Head Boy, CCF chief cadet etc etc. These positions of authority brought some inevitable nicknames … Captain Wobble (because his head wobbles when he walks) and General Accident!

After graduating from Sheffield Uni with a degree in Philosophy (yes Steve well done, you are very good at, erm thinking). Steve was then obviously a young man well prepared for an intellectually demanding career at the forefront of the Intelligentsia .… So he joined the army.

One of Steve's more memorable army training exercises was to be driven blindfold in the back of a truck to the middle of a field in the middle of nowhere, in the middle of the countryside, in the middle of the night and then dumped with nothing more than an envelope with some “mission instructions”.
Try planning a Stag night for someone who's been through that sort of ordeal!

Apparently Steve succeeded on that mission the highlight of which was when he used his considerable charm to blag his way to the crow's nest on a tall ship in Portsmouth Harbour. Good job you did that philosophy degree then Steve!

It was on another Army training exercise during Steve's active service in Northern Ireland where he gained his Army nickname. All soldiers have one don't they, “Digger”, “Chopper”, “Iron Man”, “Knuckles”, “Maverick” and so on. Steve's nickname was ..… “Village”. This he gained after reportedly getting a bit trigger happy on exercise and taking out, yes, the entire village. Fortunately the targets were all wooden dummies, although, needless to say when I heard this story I crossed Clay pigeon shooting off the potential stag night activity list. Thanks to me we all survived to be here today!

So on the Stag “day” I decided that we should do something dear to Steve's heart and something that I was guaranteed to beat him at. Go-karting. Now I have to say Steve is a VERY GOOD, VERY SAFE driver. VERY GOOD, that is if you don't mind leaving 3 hours before you need to and taking 3 hours more than you need to “just in case”. Yes, Steve definitely learnt a lot from the army about sticking to rules and proper contingency planning, but I question whether going to the shops requires such military precision. Still it will stand you in good stead for your new career as an accountant.

It's no underestimation to say that Michelle will have her work cut out with Steve. I can vouch for this having shared a house with him for about 2.5 years.

In those Halcyon days living above a butchers in Staines, we liked a drink and luckily we didn't really mind where. Our local was so rough even the arms on the chairs had tattoos. We went to the quiz night one night and the first question was “What are you looking at?”

Steve and I met when we both joined the Graduate training scheme at BUPA. At the time Steve was residing in Feltham, he assures me it was in an “executive” residence just “down the road” from the young offenders institution, but curiously Steve was very quiet in those days always having to rush home from work to be back home by 4.30. I'm sure it was must have cost him a fortune though since he was always collected from work by a big guy in uniform driving a big white van with blacked out windows.

The first thing that struck me about Steve when we shared a house was his militarily influenced organisational habits. These bordered on the obsessive. Books and CDs stacked alphabetically, shirts hanging in seemingly deliberate order, shoes arranged in neat rows on shoe racks. He was the first single bloke I'd ever seen make his bed without fail before he left for work every morning. (Michelle you're a lucky woman). Contrast this with the utter chaos in which the third housemate liked to exist and you can imagine I was stuck in between the immovable object and the irresistible force. We bonded in mutual opposition to this guy.

Steve has a taste in music I can only describe as … odd. In those days his record collection consisted of a load of bands I'd never heard of. If I did find any I had heard of Steve would instantly dismiss them as “having sold out to the mainstream”. He would regularly attend gigs in dingy backstreet London venues where 11 fellow fans would worship their idols. They wouldn't speak to each other at these gigs, well at least I don't think they did since when Steve wasn't at these gigs he was on the Band's website chatting to them. Once the bands became good and sold a few albums Steve would deny he ever liked them!

Steve has a dress sense I can only describe as … odd. He was the David Beckham of the flat. He certainly had more shoes than David Beckham anyway. In those days he was a man with an outfit for all occasions. One minute he would appear as a fashion conscious Indie kid on the way to one of his really obscure gigs underneath a mop of hair with and a funky t-shirt and a pair of retro trainers from some shop on Camden market corduroy flares flapping in the breeze. The next he would be strutting to work down Staines High Street, hair smartly side parted, in a pair of expensive brogues and a Hunting jacket, looking every bit the Army Officer on leave.

It was on such a journey to work that Steve was once called upon to dish out some Army-style discipline to a shell-suited Staines youth who took exception to Steve's more civilised dress sense. Yes the good news is that he can look after himself Michelle … as long as your assailant hasn't started shaving yet!

Steve is a sporty chap. In those days Steve and I would occasionally go Mountain-biking together in Bracknell Forest. Most of you wont know this but Steve shares his name with World champion Mountain biker Steve Peat (with an A). I'll tell you all now that's all he shares with him!

During my research I found that 3 of the key elements of a Wedding day are as follows:
The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take.
The Altar – the place where 2 become 1
The Hymn – the celebration of the marriage
I must say that Michelle obviously did her homework too because as she took her place beside Steve today, I swear I heard her whispering "Aisle Altar Hymn, Aisle Altar Hymn"

And you will find, Michelle, after you move into your new house and the Honeymoon glow subsides that Steve does still have more than a little of the Neanderthal about him. I have to tell you that when we shared our house in Staines Steve would regularly seek to work off the stresses of a hard day at work not by going to the gym, not by playing squash or slugging brandy but by … bouncing around the house doing monkey noises. Maybe Steve will give us a demonstration later. In addition to that I once personally witnessed Steve eating the leaves off trees when walking home from the pub? Maybe you've grown out of that now eh mate.

A happy marriage requires compromises at some point along the line ladies and gentlemen. One thing I learnt on Steve's stag night, as Steve was tucking into his dessert, was that Michelle has a fear. A fear which Steve vowed there and then, in front of his future father-in-law, to protect her from for the duration of their marriage. Ladies and Gents, Michelle is scared of PROFITEROLES. Steve, valiant to the core, has vowed never to eat them in front of Michelle again … as long, that is, as she never takes him out shopping.

In all seriousness Ladies and gentlemen. It takes 1 minute of knowing Steve to realise he is a true gent, honourable, dependable, intelligent and charming. I can assure Michelle's parents as they probably already know that she will be very well looked after

ADVICE
On such special occasions it's traditional to leave the Bride and Groom some pearls of wisdom:
Michelle, always remember that men are like fine wine… they start out like grapes and it's your job to stamp all over them until they mature into something that you'd like to have dinner with!

I believe the Bride and groom have a lovely Honeymoon planned in Morocco. Steve, do you know the meaning of “The Honeymoon?”
No.… well it's the last holiday a man takes before he starts work for a new boss

TOASTS
In conclusion, Steve and Michelle, on behalf of everyone here, I can truly say that you are wished nothing but the best for the future. You are a unique and perfectly matched couple. May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old-fashioned enough to last forever
Ladies and Gentlemen, please join me in a toast……….… To the bride and groom. Mr and Mrs Peet no less.

Finally can I just say a big big thank you to all of the staff of the Boat club who have done a great job getting everyone drunk enough to laugh at my speech Ladies and Gentlemen: Mines a pint. Thank you.