Speech by Paul Wetherhill

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Wetherhill
Speech Date: Jul 2001
Introduction
For those of you who don't know me I am Paul, rumoured to be Richard's best man.

But…

Before we start I would like to FINALLY put an end to all the carrying on, all the funny business and all the hanky panky that has been occuring in the last few months. Now that Richard is finally married I would like all the girls who have a key to his house to hand them in……right now!!!

Come on girls! (ten women stand up and walk to me handing in keys…one is pregnant. The final one to stand up is a bloke, Liam)

Firstly I'd like to say what a great honour and pleasure it is to be here standing in front of you all today to tell you about my great friend, Richard, or…..to his close friends…….Little Dick. I'd like to also take this opportunity to comment on how beautiful Angela looks today…..one in a million.… and Richard……you look like you always do…….won in a raffle.

On researching my important role as best man I found that it is one of my main responsibilities to make sure the groom arrives on time and that he is properly and smartly dressed for the occasion.

Haven't Mothercare done a fantastic job.

I have known Richard since he was this high….(put HAND OUT)

No, I have NOT just met him in reception……….I have actually known him for twenty years or more.

I first met him when we were six years old at primary school. Since then we attended our first day at high school together, we shared our first drinking session together, shared our first Donner Kebab together, rearranged our first set of Council Roadworks together.

When we were both younger we also shared the same dancing skills…….where rhythm and style were of little importance.

To look at Rich's little beer belly now you would never have thought he was quite sporty at school. When we were 14 we used to cycle everywhere without a care in the world. I recall one time when we were trying to get to York and Richard suggested a little shortcut. Great I thought, that should save a few miles on the Journey, until of course he led me up the A1 motorway.

I don't know which made more noise. Me screaming at Richard as he tried to overtake a Wallis Arnold coach or the deafening sirens of the approaching police car.

When I was thinking about what to include in my speech I was going to include a number of stories where Richard has, basically, not been the sharpest knife in the drawer. But I'm not going to do any of that stuff because it would be just having fun at Rich's expense, and, to be honest we have all been doing that for years. So I won't even begin to tell you about…

…the ghost of Roy Orbison at the Frontier, the driving lessons sitting on a cushion, the last place wooden spoon won at the Yorkshire Bank quiz night, the missing naughty video Bedtime Sextras, my mum and dad's silver wedding, when Rich thought my Dad's best friend had died in the marquee, about the time he thought Cock au Vin was when you had sex in a Ford Transit or the time he thought the Book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins!!!!!!

Seriously though I can imagine what Richard is feeling right now sitting next to his new wife. Although what does the 1st day of the rest of your life feel like when your single greatest achievement to date was being on BIG DADDY'S shoulders.

It can be said that since he met Angie, I have seen a change in Richard. He has become very house proud and domesticated…in fact Richard cut his new lawn the other day for the first time, a very proud moment for him.

Although….this has led to some very strange tendencies…

Only the other day we were sitting outside our local, the Black Bull, and all of a sudden Richard became very envious of their hanging baskets. Richard I warn you now, soon it will be self assembly furniture from IKEA and the desire to own your own shed.

I must confess I HAVE spent the last few months talking to many different women……purely for research purposes of course. I was trying to find out what Richard should know to make his marriage be long and successful. So Richard, here are some tips…

Never go to bed angry………….always stay up and argue.

Always remember the three little words…….”You're right dear”.

Never swear at your wife if there are ladies present.

The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it just once.

You must be prepared for the oldest trick in the book…’So Richard, do you notice anything different’?

I have heard there is a book going around on the length of the combined speeches today. I have put down 1hr and 45 mins so I have prepared some additional material for my speech today (pick up big ream of A4 paper and fan through it!)

I had better start to sum up now on account of my throat…………..Ange has threatened to cut it if I lasted any more than ten minutes!
SO HERE ARE SOME MESSAGES
DO THE CARDS
Finally, I would like to wish Richard, a true friend, and Angie, one of the loveliest people you are ever likely to meet, all the happiness in the world and a long and successful marriage.
TO RICHARD AND ANGELA