Speech by Paul Withnall

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Withnall
Speech Date: Jul 2001
Wig and Birdy Take on the World, June 30th Mickleover Court Hotel

WIG
Ladies and Gentlemen: Good Afternoon, my name is Paul, better known as WIG and this is my partner in crime Mark otherwise as BIRDY. We are the best men, we are a double act, some people may even say were artiste's but I think you'll all realise what kind of artiste's we are later on this evening.

It is slightly different to have 2 best men, I like to think that were such good friends that Carl wanted us both to be by his side on this special day.

Birdy reckons its was just to make him look good on the photo's

BIRDY
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen.
Can the People at the back hear me ok?
Yes, ok then can I have a pint of Stella and Wig a Lager dash. Cheers
On behalf of the Bridesmaids and the Pageboy I would like to thank Carl for His kind Words. I must also mention the Bride, In many ways a wedding day for the bride is about making her a Princess for a day, Today Amanda looks more than a Princess.

She looks like right Top Totty.

Arranging a day like today doesn't happen without a lot of effort behind the scenes, so I would also like to take this opportunity to thank some other people.
Everyone involved at the Mickleover court, the people responsible for the flowers, the dresses, the church, THE VIC and to those people who have travelled to be here today
Special thanks to David and Rose and Colin and Marion. They have worked very hard in making this a very special day for Carl and Amanda and a very enjoyable one for all of us.
So on behalf of every one here remain seated but raise your glasses and say cheers to the parents, CHEERS

WIG
I'd like to think that up to this point Birdy and Myself have performed our duties as Best Men exceptionally.
Carl was there on time
His shoes were polished and tied
His hair was combed but he wouldn't let us do anything with the grey though
His teeth were clean and …………..he was reasonably sober
His fly was done up
He didn't pass wind
And we brought the rings
It was just a shame we couldn't manage clean boxer shorts

BIRDY
So we've done OK up until now…………….…
Yes. It's traditional for the best man to give you an insight into Carl's life up to this day.
To give you a flavour of the man before you, share in his experiences, laugh when he's laughed, cry when he's cried.
For those of you that know him, you'd be expecting us to tell all about the drunk, stupid and funny moments, …for those of you that don't know him you'd be expecting to hear about his episodes of immaturity and stupidity and wonder WHAT THE BLODDY HELL HAS SHE MARRIED.
Well Ladies and Gentlemen, You'll be sorry to hear that we won't be telling you about any of those exploits in fact WE WON'T BE TELLING YOU MUCH AT ALL.… ON ACCOUNT OF OUR THROATS
IF THIS SPEECH LAST MORE THAN 3 MINUTES THEY'LL BE CUT.

WIG
Seriously, though having referred to the list of topics not to be mentioned
(pull out big fat book)
And this list of things that we can say
(pull out Post it pad)
We've come to the conclusion that the only way we can tell you anything insightful and funny about Carl… IS TO LET HIM TELL YOU HIMSELF
(Give Whirl true & false card + Dummy In + explain rules)
So Carl, how this works is we tell everybody a little tale and you have to tell everybody if its TRUE or FALSE. What a fantastic idea, we get to let everybody know what you're really like, its YOU that have told them, and WE don't get the BLAME

BIRDY
BEFORE we start Carl we've also got you this
(Put inflatable pillow on Whirly)
For those of you who don't know Carl, he has a tendency to nod off anywhere and everywhere when he's had a drink and we want him to be comfortable if he nods off before the end of this.

WIG
Amanda we've also got you something
(Show audience and give Amanda Viagra packet)
These are for later, make sure he swallows them quickly otherwise hell get a STIFF NECK

BIRDY
Right lets start with a few easy ones to see if you've understood the rules
Carl, TRUE or False, is your Full Name CARL MALCOLM ANDREWS

WIG
Carl, TRUE or False, you were born a Girl
Right I think we've got the hang of this lets him rip to pieces, I mean inform, educate and entertain you.

BIRDY
Carl, TRUE or FALSE your date of birth 2ND March 1973 or [INSERT DATE]

WIG
Carl, TRUE or FALSE You went to Hatton Primary and Secondary School and academically you were Good to Very Good

BIRDY
Carl, TRUE or FALSE In your career you have moved from Tea boy at Brookside Engineering to Project Manager at FEA aerospace

WIG
Carl, TRUE or FALSE currently studying MBA in business administration with hope of setting up a consultancy business and raking the money in

BIRDY
Carl, TRUE or FALSE you were one of Lord Baden-Powell's special little Scout boys for many years

WIG
Carl, TRUE or FALSE you are a very good sportsman, playing Hockey for the County, Football at a good level, Golf, Badminton, Tennis, Pool, Darts, Dominoes, Cards, Scrabble and Monopoly

BIRDY
Carl, TRUE or FALSE You have several nicknames

BIRDY
Whirly from Curly Whirly on account of the curly hair you had when you were younger

WIG
Thunder Thighs On account of the strong powerful chunky legs

BIRDY
Babe Amanda's pet name for you which I believe comes from the film about the Pig and refers to the noises you make when you eat

WIG
MT Which Is one I cant reveal but close friends will understand that one

BIRDY
Carl, TRUE or FALSE in your younger years your Dad was having a bonfire down the bottom of the Garden in an old dustbin and you had been messing around in your paddling pool, you decided to test how hot the dustbin lid was in by putting your hands on it, when you decided it wasn't that hot you sat on it, burnt your little bum and melted your swimming trunks to your bottom

WIG
Carl, TRUE or FALSE as a boy so proud of your appearance were you that never once did you leave the house without asking your Mum to check you shoelaces, brush your hair, making sure there was nothing in your teeth and zip your coat up

BIRDY
Carl, TRUE or FALSE Also in younger life, did you used to tie cotton across the road between lampposts and wait for cars to drive past to see if it would break the aerials

WIG
Carl, TRUE or FALSE on the occasion it did break somebody's aerial did you run and hide down by the river for about 2 hours in the dark

Carl, TRUE or FALSE Did you crash your car after a recent flurry of snow when you thought it would be exciting to go rally driving in the works car park and ended up smashed into the side of the workshop

WIG
Carl, TRUE or FALSE you have an asbestos mouth and have the ability to eat your food faster than anyone else, then sit drooling over everyone else's before you pick over the remains

BIRDY
Carl, TRUE or FALSE do you have a strange obsession about the benefits of Talcum powder, taking any opportunity you get to powder your wedding tackle and leave piles of the stuff on the carpet, preaching about it's ability to avoid the condition known as “ BETTY SWOLLOCKS “

WIG
In preparing this speech some of the stories we could remember fell into categories. This category is called …HOLIDAYS

Carl TRUE or FALSE when on holiday in Las Vegas you and some Friends had gone into a Night-club. In the Nightclub there were the usual bars and also a special feature were some pretty hot looking babes wearing nothing but skimpy bikinis, these girls were serving drinks from behind huge tin baths filled with ice and bottles of beer, you went up to her ordered and duly paid for the drinks. Now this being America the land of tipping and in recognition of this girls attire she was expecting a tip from you, so when She asked “ what about a tip “ Did you reply “ DON'T EAT YELLOW SNOW”

BIRDY
Carl, TRUE or FALSE In Spain on holiday riding some motorbikes wearing the necessary safety gear of Shoes Shorts and Shades. You had a race down the middle of the road with one of the other lads, came up to a hair pin bend with a car coming and end up in some Spaniards front Garden.

WIG
Carl TRUE or FALSE on your stag weekend away did you try to impress the lads at the dinner table by talking in Spanish to the pretty waitress as she collected your plate, your smugness soon went as after your comment her face dropped and she said to you “ that's not nice” to which you asked “ Why? “ and she replied “ You say to me HELLO BITCH!!”

BIRDY
Carl while we are on the subject of the stag night TRUE or FALSE, did you organise it all, collect all the money, pay for it all and only on the eve of the weekend away realise you were one person missing.
Carl did you forget to book yourself on your own stag weekend

WIG
ALCOHOL

Carl your vodka measures are legendary, your idea of a vodka / orange consists of glass full of vodka and teaspoon of orange. With your love of Vodka
Is it also true that on a weekend you used to take part in the Legendary “vodka Nights“ which would consist of you and a few mates drinking as much Vodka to get as drunk as possible in such a small space of time. That by the time you got down town you were so very very drunk you didn't need another drink all night?

BIRDY
Carl Is it true that when you first met Amanda it was on one of these Vodka nights?

WIG
Carl TRUE or FALSE did you on crawl around on your hands and knees in the main street of that fashionable resort of San Antonio so drunk that you were trying to get under somebody's chair to get to the wall and fall asleep against it

BIRDY
Carl TRUE or FALSE when you are under the influence of alcohol rhythm and style have little importance on dance floor

WIG
“PLANES”
Carl, Carl, TRUE or FALSE you are passionate about 2 things Amanda and Airplanes

BIRDY
Carl, TRUE or FALSE have you ever flown a plane

WIG
Carl, TRUE or FALSE have you ever flown a 747 aircraft simulator at Gatwick airport and bored your friends with the story for weeks

BIRDY
Carl, TRUE or FALSE do you work for a company which makes high spec engineering parts for wait for it …aeroplanes

WIG
Carl, TRUE or FALSE when a young boy you had hundreds of air fix models, remote control airplanes, airplanes suspended from your bedroom ceiling on fishing line, airplanes magazines, airplane games.

BIRDY
Carl, TRUE or FALSE flying back from another holiday when walking down the Aisle to your seat somebody asked what plane we were on and you could tell the make, model, manufacturer and engine type of the plane FROM THE INSIDE

WIG
Carl, TRUE or FALSE Amanda only truly knew the depth of your love for her when she asked you which you loved more “Amanda or Concorde” and you replied it was Amanda, Aaaaaaahhhhh

BIRDY
Carl, TRUE or FALSE You only replied Amanda because Concorde has a dodgy safety record

WIG
Carl, TRUE or FALSE When on Holiday in Lanzarote a few years back, you hired a car for a few days and went on a tour of the Island. Amanda felt a bit tired and nodded off on the drive round, is it true when she woke up you were parked at the end of the runway watching Planes taking off and landing

BIRDY
“POO”
Carl, TRUE or FALSE when walking back to the hotel after a heavy night drinking on holiday, you felt, well to keep it clean, …Natures train arrive at the station… if you know what I mean… You weighed up the distance back to the Hotel, realised you couldn't last that long and dived in the first bar with a toilet, after the deed had been done you then realised there was no toilet roll, your solution, to test the Spanish plumbing and waddle back to the Hotel minus expensive boxer shorts.

WIG
Carl, TRUE or FALSE after another late night boozing in Gran Caneria did you decided to go skinny dipping in pool at about 5am and whilst splashing around, attracted the attention of the previously unknown aggressive Spanish security guard who removed one of your Best Men and Ruby from the pool under threat of his baton and the local police. All this noise had now woke half the hotel and they were all hanging over the balcony's watching. You however were still thrashing around like a drowning man splashing water every were. Carl were you by any chance trying to flick something reassembling a freshly laid “POO” out of the pool before the irate Spanish guard got round your side of the pool and caught you……….… BROWN handed?

BIRDY
Carl, TRUE or FALSE as a keen sportsman, you enjoy your game of golf and on this particular day came off the 5th green onto the 6th tee when the realisation struck, you weren't going to make back to the clubhouse and you had Felt Natures train arrive in the station again, as a keen boy scout trained for anything, improvisation saw you instantly spot your location, BIG TREE and the necessary equipment NICE CLEAN GOLF TOWEL HANGING ON YOUR BAG.

WIG
Carl, TRUE or FALSE Did you take the Golf Towel home for washing

AND CARL YOULL BE GLAD TO KNOW THAT THERE'S NO MORE REVELATIONS TO MAKE

BIRDY
We do however have some Telegrams here from People who couldn't make it to be here with you on this special day

Dear Amanda, Thanks for the memories, I respect your choice.… Just let me know if he keeps nodding off

And that one's from Mr Robbie Williams

WIG
One here from the Castle hotel Football Team

Dear Amanda ,
Good luck on your big day, We've tried Carl in every position and he was useless in all of them……..Hope you have better luck

BIRDY
Some serious points now to try and redeem ourselves before the repercussions from this speech

I've known Carl for a great many years and, in his defence he may have had some assistance from Wig and myself in the aforementioned deeds

I must say that I don't think Carl could have found himself a more perfect partner than Amanda to Marry and I wish them all the happiness in the world now and forever.

WIG
In dictionary the definition of “friend” is a person whom you are attached to through affection and esteem, a favoured companion, a supporter, an ally and confidant, in Carl's case these are all applicable

A wise man told me once that you actually have 5 true friends that you carry from childhood to old age, 2 of them are here beside me today and it has been an honour and privilege for me to be one of his best men today

Ladies and Gentlemen would you please stand for the toast

May your life together be blessed with joy and happiness, your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.

CARL And AMANDA

BIRDY
Ladies and Gentlemen, that's all from Wig, and Me please enjoy the rest of the day and have a fantastic evening.