Speech by Paul Woodman

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul Woodman
Speech Date: Mar2003
Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen. I would first like to thank you all for coming today and helping to make Tim and Carolyn's wedding such a memorable and special occasion. Personally, I wish you'd all stayed at home and made my job less nerve wracking.

When I was looking for inspiration for my speech, I asked a number of friends how long I should speak for. The general consensus was that I should speak for as long as it takes the Groom to make love. Ladies and Gentlemen, Tim and Carolyn. [Mock toast, sit down].

For those of you that don't know me my name is Paul and I am honoured to be Tim and Carolyn's best man today. In fact I went to a wedding two weeks ago that was held in a nudist colony. Apparently I was just half an inch away from being the best man there too.

OK moving swiftly on…… I took some advice from Mr Watson [father of the bride] on what I should do about making a good speech. He said sonny, all you need to do is remember your ABC and XYZ. I asked what this was and he said.… Always Be Complimentary..… and eXamine Your Zip!!

I would like to say that I know I will be speaking on behalf of everyone when I say this, but I think the bridesmaids look stunning and bla bla bla.…

We have now reached that pivotal moment in the speech where I am meant – in good taste – to put the groom down. So, minus the good taste, I'll proceed.
The purpose of the best man's speech, or so I've heard, is to embarrass the Groom…well– his real hair colour is ginger – he has a small willy – and a leopard skin thong – which I think is all embarrassing enough.

I remember meeting Tim for the first time, well he just kind of appeared many, many years ago walking… no strutting down the road, skin tight jeans, massive black quiff, sleeves rolled up on his suit jacket and.… Eye liner! Yes Eye liner! Now this was the 80’s and Tim being a new romantic
– and a trendy one at that – like to dabble in a bit of make up once and a while. Nothing wrong with that..… if you're a woman anyway!!!

Tim was always extremely popular –back I those days anyway! – and I put a lot of this down to his dancing prowess. There was a pub when we were growing up called the Salthouse, and if you were lucky enough to frequent the Salthouse in the mid to late 80’s, you would have regularly witness Tim's unique, raw, undiscovered style of dancing that left the women speechless.
By speechless I mean that absolutely none of them would speak to him.
He used to dance like a wasp had just flown down the back of his shirt and it was like he was trying frantically to get it out. He was Clevedon's answer to Donnie Burns!! If you can't get the picture, you soon will at around 10pm this evening.

One night he said he would meet me there, instead of our normal 3 minute and 23 second walk. A bit perturbed I made my own way to the pub and after tucking into my pint of Blackthorn Cider- yes that's what we all drink in Somerset!! – I saw a big commotion over at the bar. This wasn't that unusual as the Salthouse was a little bit rough and there were often scuffles. but then the commotion turn to hysteria and the next thing I saw was a 5 foot 8 tall, white bunny rabbit, complete with big floppy ears and little fluffy tail walking towards me waving with one hand and a pint in the other. To this day I honestly have no idea why he wore this outfit!!
It wasn't like it was even Easter or anything!! But I guess this shows the humour – or mentalness – of the guy!

Back to the formalities………… It's customary, during the best man's speech, to tell of a law-breaking incident involving the groom. Well, Tim's only been arrested once and it was for something he didn't do. He didn't get a driving license before he started driving.

He was very well known for his love of quality cars and bikes. Mopeds, Orion Giha and Vauxhall Cavillers but to name a few of the motors he has graced our streets with. Those of you who have experienced being in a car with Tim will know that it is like going on the Nemesis at Alton
Towers…..backwards……after 5 pints of lager….blindfolded . The bizarre
thing is this is how he makes his living by driving people around!!!

He always used to make me laugh with mechanical things also… he is a very good mechanic, but a little short on patience. If he couldn't reach a bolt, or if it wouldn't come off immediately he would get the biggest wrench he could find and hit seven bales out of it! A little bit like his DIY I bet Carolyn is thinking.…

I was talking to Tim about what he wanted from his marriage, and he said:
‘Well, I want to be a model husband. I want to be a model citizen.’ And he added, with a large grin, that he also wanted to be a model lover. Being the naive and uneducated chap that I am, I looked up ‘model’ in the dictionary, and found it to be ‘a small, miniature replica of the real thing’.

Moving on to Carolyn…… what can I say????
My first impression of Carolyn was that she was such a beautiful, witty, charming, clever, friendly and thoughtful. And when she agreed to marry Tim, it totally proved to me that old adage – opposites really do attract.

I think Tim and Carolyn complement each other very well. Carolyn is ambitious, industrious, highly-motivated and loves a challenge. And Tim is that challenge.

The biggest effect Carolyn's had on Tim is on his spending. It's nice that he no longer wastes his salary in the pub – he wastes hers instead.

Oh I nearly forgot. I was sitting down with Tim and Carolyn last week and Carolyn looked at me uneasily and said… “acchh woody. Whatever you do please don't do your world famous William Wallace impersonation at the wedding”. I asked why not? Will it offend the Scottish contingency? She said no, it's just that you sound like you're from Pakistan.

Acch Allllright – I hope you all like your neeps and tatties….!!!
[Scottish wedding]

Read telegrams
Being a husband is like any other job. It's easier if you like the boss.

Marriage is like an institution – but who wants to live in an institution?

Before I offer up the final toast I'd like to say that Tim has been an amazing friend to me over the years I've known him and he has been there for me through thick and thin. I think you have found a lady of true quality in Carolyn and I think you both compliment each other extremely well.
If Tim is half as good a husband as he is a best friend, then you will have left here with a man that epitomises honour and respect both for himself and those he loves and cares for. – and I have to say that it has been an absolute honour to be your best man today.

I want you all to join me for 2 toasts – firstly please can you all join me in drinking in love and memory of those not able to be with us today… “TO LOVED ONES”

Thank you – and finally..…
I started planning this speech 2 months ago, and you must feel like I have been delivering it equally as long, but now it gives me immense pleasure, not to mention relief, to invite you all to raise your glasses in a toast to Tim and Carolyn.