Speech by Paul

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul
Speech Date: June 2002
Firstly on behalf of the Ryan and Zoe the pageboy and bridesmaid I'd like to thank Will for his kind words. I have to agree that they look absolutely wonderful and have done an excellent job this afternoon.

It has been said that the best mans job is like making love to the queen: it's a great honour but no one wants to do it, Even so I agreed to be Will's best man and I'm sure that you'll all agree that my first duty of getting William to the church sober and on time was a complete success, even though Northern John did try to kill him on the stag dooo, I didn't think that any one was daft enough to upset Tanya by scarring William about his face in three places, by trying to dump him onto his head into a skip ! Not a good idea. The funniest thing was as northern John sobered up he realised what he had done and turned into a mouse and kept trying to hide away scouring in the corner of the bus on the way home at the thought of facing Tanya's wrath. (Your Mad my Friend)

Now how long do I stand hear and talk, I did some research into what is the done thing and what should one say. The best advice was from Will about a week ago when he came out with this quote, you need to make your speech last about the same amount of time as it takes you to make love, so as were running out of time already that wasn't any good. You also need to talk about the groom now what a good idea I thought.

I met will for the first time back in 1990 at Bicton agricultural college we had both decided to do a 3 year course on drinking / rugby / dept management and I'm glad to see you've remembered some of the old tricks, you still drink like a fish as with all seen recently, your still trying to play rugby, and you've gone into farming need I say more.

Some way through the first term a drinking club was started called the R.A.F. of which there were five members by the end. Now R.A.F. stood for how we felt in the morning after partaking in a drink or two (rough as fuck not said out loud) this was the start of 5 life long friends. Now I wont boor you with stories of young Jacob youth for fear of incriminating myself. But I thought what can I do so looking for inspiration I approached our old head warden at the time Robin Dunn to give a few words about our young Will, well I'm not sure I can repeat them, actually to quote “is she mad” and “how's he still alive he must be 100% proof by now” then he said I've been waiting for one of you tear a ways to turn up sooner or later, hear these belong to Will and he gave me a bag and walked off. Oh splendid 5 goodies so I thought id share them with you as your all his friends I didn't think you'd mind mate.

1. A bra this Will left on top of Bicton Tower not any tower but no way can anyone get up their tower. The bra and these panties were tied hi up on the weather vain for all to see poor girl he borrowed them from!

2. A slate this is one of 100 that got broken while two pissed people scrambled around on the roof trying to do the previous prank pitching a ladder on the apex of the roof to this day were not sure how he did it.

3. A union jack that got borrowed from Bicton but we got caught right before prize day two award winning students who nearly got kicked of the course ooooppps

4. A rookie banger to scare crows! Harmless yes until you put one in Bicton house and set it off. Needless to say that three yes three fire engines later and at a cost £1500 each for a false alarm we still don't now who did that one do we!!!!

5. Yes number five well she is a dear friend to us all and well misses Will the most, Flossy. ( a blow up sheep with holes) Well flossy used to come out drinking with us and well I won't show you now but she does tricks ask Will later.

That's enough of making William go red, there are a lot more stories but it will cost, a beer usually helps!

Will gave me a ring about 18 months ago and said mate, I've met this lass she's really nice but doesn't drink can you help? Oh yes my friend bring Tanya round and I'll cook and we'll see what we can do. Tanya and Will turned up a week later and I start asking Tanya what she likes to drink well water, milk, coca cola no no no alcoholic well gin isn't to bad she said, Yes the week-ness is found. Now I'm partial to a gin or two my self. Gin is like what marmite is to food you either love it or hate it. Well let's just say one empty bottle between two, several hours later and all was well, every one was plastered and I thought jobs a good an she's cured. Well blow me over if that didn't work I hear and have seen that Tanya drinks in style now, like at her hen party at the golf club when low and behold gin in hand pints of, not only one pint but two yes two now that's what I call a result I'm glad I could help mate.

No seriously before I go I would like to share my picture of Will and Tanya in the morning after the wedding night. William will call down to the room service and order breakfast, for him self he'll order one pound of bacon, twelve fried eggs, and two yes two gallons of orange juice, for his new wife he'll order a piece of lettuce and a carrot, the room service lady will of course be puzzled by the request and ask him weather Mrs Luke might want something more substantial, to which William will probably reply no that's o.k. I'm conducting an experiment to see if she eats like a rabbit as well!!

Ladies and Gentlemen Please

Could you please stand now and join me in a toast to absent friends

Could you please join me in a toast to the bride's parents for this special day thank you

And while your still standing if every one could now join me in a toast to Mr and Mrs William and Tanya Luke.

CHEERS