Speech by Paul

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Paul
Speech Date: aug2002

When Paul came to me and asked me to be his best man.

You know, organise a stag night, get him to the church on time, and say a few nice things about him at the reception.

Frankly I told Paul that it was a great honour to be asked, but I felt he'd be better of with someone else.

Then he offered me twenty quid.

I said, “I'm not a man who can be bought.”

Then he offered me forty quid.…

Anyway, Good Afternoon. Ladies & Gentlemen My name is Tony and it's my pleasure to be Paul's best man today.

I've tried to memorise this speech but unfortunately I haven't so please excuse me if I resort to my notes every few seconds

Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank Paul for his kind words and I agree they look wonderful and have done an excellent job today.

Now traditionally, I get to insert numerous very embarrassing stories about Paul here, unfortunately, my courier got tired trying to carry the two boxes of typed pages I had, and called it quits halfway here, so I will have to make do from my short notes.

I think my duties as the best man is: –
to get Paul here on time on time……… which is a first
Sober……….… Which is unusual
Smart, which is unheard of… well I think I've been successful on the first and last one's.

I was actually given a best man's checklist, but I must admit some of the things on it mystified me a bit.

A. Help the groom get dressed … (Thanks but no thanks if he hasn't learned by now then there's no chance)

B. Ensure Paul goes to the toilet (Again I refuse)

C. Make sure his face and hair are in good order (Well god couldn't do it so what chance do I have!)

D. That his flies are done up ( I feel perhaps his mother would be more suited as the best man)

I have been one of Paul's closest friends for over 5 years now, sometimes a confident, usually a partner in crime, and today with pride, Paul's Best Man.

In that time I have come to realise he is some one you can rely on and is a good friend.

We have had many a good night out including his stag night, which ended up with our customary naked dash along Yarmouth beach.

I wasn't sure he'd forgive me for leaving him to the mercy of his fellow work mates, in the bowling alley but.… Paul if it wasn't for the fact that it was my go and you seemed to be doing a good job of fighting them of yourself I would have been there, and I would have definitely made sure you lost your trouser!

In actual fact it could be said that Paul is so popular that recently during a routine garden fire at his new home, even the Great Yarmouth fire brigade came to welcome him there.

Actually Paul has been extremely worried because’ after the wedding rehearsal the other day, Donna has been muttering "I'll alter him" over and over again.
I had to explain that she was just remembering the 3 things for the wedding march. 1st walk down the Aisle, 2nd stop at the altar and 3rd sing the hymn… "Aisle, Alter, Hymn".

Now I was told I should add some words of wisdom for the happy couple:-

WOMAN– remember that Men are like a fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they turn into something you would like to have dinner with.

MAN– on the other hand, Women are also like a fine wine, they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then they turn full bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.

Before I finish I'd like to ask Paul and Donna to participate in this little speech now. Donna if I can ask you lay your hand flat out, yes, palm down dear… Right, Paul, if you would please place your hand directly on top of Donna's, yes, just like that. There we go now Paul, I want you to make the most of this moment, and it's the last time you'll have the upper hand…

On a more serious note, Paul, we have had some excellent times together over the years, and I know that we will continue to do so in the future. You have been a great friend to me over the years, and it is a great honour to be your best man, and I wish both Donna and you every happiness for the future.

Ladies and Gentlemen, May I now ask you to stand, and it gives me great pleasure ask you to raise your glasses in a toast to Paul and Donna, the new Mr and Mrs Clegg. We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and fruitful marriage.

To Paul & Donna