Speech by Perry Cardey

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Perry Cardey
Speech Date: Jul2004
Ladies and Gentleman I can only guess how the Bride & Groom felt this morning but I can assure you that this is not the first time today I have risen from a warm seat clutching a sheet of paper.
Let me begin by putting Mark out of his misery.

Mark, I want you to know that I thought about taking a rattle around in your closet and bringing out a few skeletons.

But it's not going to happen. That's not what this is all about.

So sorry, folks. I won't be mentioning the special name his friends in the chess club had for him.

I won't be mentioning what he did when he was eleven that scandalized the neighbours.

And whatever he's done with rubber chickens in the past…well that's his own business.

I can tell you that when he told me that he and Sharon were getting married no one was happier than me, besides them that is. Mark, your an excellent friend and in Sharon you have found a lovely caring person who deserves a good husband. Thank God you've married her before she found one.

Good Afternoon, Ladies & Gentlemen; I'm lucky enough to be Mark's Best Man, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Perry, Perry Whatdoyoudrink, so if you see me later at the bar, Please call me by my last name “Whatdoyoudrint” and I will reply ”A pint off bitter please”

It's a real honour to be Mark's best man – as well as being nerve wracking but he's assured me that if I do a good job then I can be best man again at his next wedding…
When he came to me and asked me to be his best man, you know, organize a stag night, get him to the church on time, and say a few nice things about him at the reception, frankly I told Mark that it was a great honour to be asked, but I felt he'd be better of with someone else.
Then he offered me twenty quid.
I said “I'm not a man who can be bought.”
Then he offered me forty quid….Anyway, Good Afternoon.

I hope your enjoying the day so far – I should start enjoying the day in about 30 seconds time when I finished this little task.

In preparing this speech a wise old man said to me it should last no longer than it takes the groom to make love. So thank you all very much for listening (sit down)

Firstly on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Mark for his kind words, and I must admit that they have done an excellent job today.

You have to agree; the Bridesmaids looked absolutely wonderful, with their hair done by Vidal Sassoon, there dresses by Gucci and their makeup by B&Q.

Being serious may I say Sharon, you really do look like a million dollars and Mark well you look like you've been won in a raffle!

Mark was born in 1967 and only a couple of years before that the films ""Psycho & The Entertainer"" were released which may explain Mark's behaviour when drunk.

1967 was however a very important year to show how important that year was I have listed a few things that happened the same year that Mark was born. Just to make us all feel old

Dartford Tunnel opened
The words ‘bell bottom’ introduced into the dictionary
First heart transplant took place
The BEE GEE's first single was released
Elvis Presley and Priscilla got married

And lastly Mark shares his birth year with Carol Vorderman and Pamela Anderson and I can assure you that's all he ever will be able to share with them.
So some very important people and events there I am sure you agree.

This is the first time I have been asked to be a best man, and I can assure you the last, and if Mark had rung me when I was sober I wouldn't be stood here now.

So when he asked to be best man, I thought, “What am I supposed to do ???”

So I ask my Internet friend “Jeeves”. A question

1) How can you get me out of this? No answer came back,
So the next thing I asked was

2) “Help me with my speech”. His answer was to purchase book called “how be a best man” by the acclaimed author
You are in for it”

This book gave me some helpful tips, which are:

1) Help the groom dress – well I thought that meant make sure his shirt was tucked in and shoes shined but this morning when he asked me to help him put his underpants on I thought that perhaps this best man job is not really for me!

2) Make sure his shoes are tied… Well that was easy I made him wear Velcro fastening ones so he didn't trip up walking down the aisle.

3) Ensure the groom's face and hair are in order – Well, God didn't do it right the first time around, so I've got no hope.

4) Make sure nothing is between his teeth.… So I have bought him a pack of tooth picks I dearnt get that close.

5) Another important duty I had to do was keep the groom sober, get him to the church on time and eventually married.- Well 2 out of 3 ain't bad

6) See that angry ex-girlfriends are kept at bay … again from my
experience most of them will be anything but angry… And they are
probably out celebrating. Especially his ex – wife!!!

7) Make a speech to the bride and groom – Now, I thought this meant JUST to the bride and groom, you know, maybe off in a little room for a chat and a cup of tea. I'm a bit upset to find out when I arrived today, that I've actually got to do it in front of 80 people.

8) . Make sure the groom has a night bag for the wedding night, to include.

.1) Toothbrush, 2) Boxer shorts, 3) Asprin, 4) most importantly a box of 30 Viagra
But when I checked the bag this morning it looks like the Viagra have disappeared, and looking around the room there are some Area Manager from work with huge smiles on there faces so no awards for guessing where they have gone.

9) Make sure he gets away on his honeymoon on time.… Well time will tell on that one.

Last year me and my family went to Majorca with Mark and Sharon and he asked recently if I would like to go on holiday again with them this year as we had a great time.
I must mention at this time about his exceptional general knowledge skills, he was the only person in the hotel who got every answer correct in a quiz, as he cheated and copied every answer down by marking his own paper when the answers where read out and actually won the quiz and had the cheek to go up and claim his prize.

The only drawback in actually booking an holiday this year was when he said he was looking at going on an adventure holiday involving quad biking so I made a quick excuse and changed the subject (I am sure you all know the quad biking story). But not everything was lost I have introduced him to a new friend who also like quad biking his name is Ozzy Osborne.

I thought I had better plan for this day so I took the opportunity to place an advert in the local newspaper. It read as follows:-
Notice to all the ladies of Bradford and surrounding areas. Former playboy extraordinair Mark Pascall residing at 273 (enter grooms address) is getting married on 3rd July 2004 to Sharon Fisher. Would those of you still retaining keys to his house kindly return them to the address below before this date. If you would like to add a message wishing him well please do so.
Pull out big bag of keys.
Then I pulled out a key with a nice thong attached to it with a note saying good luck Mark.
Next I pulled out a key with handcuffs attached to it with a note saying you can have these back, but I am keeping the whip.
Lastly A key attached to the biggest pair of women knickers I could buy. I said nothing but just gave him a disgusted look.

My biggest task today I am told was a lesson learnt from his engagement to Sharon (an occasion I sadly missed) that task is to stop anyone buying Mark vodka's especially pints of the stuff. For those of you who don't know the story regarding Mark and Sharon's engagement the evening reception came to an abrupt end before any food had eaten because at 9pm Mark was taken to hospital completely out of his head and unconscious and I understand Sharon was not to happy the following day when he actually woke up.

I cannot promise that Mark will not be worst for wear later today but I will get him past 9pm although I have a team on standby at Bradford royal infirmary from 10pm onwards.

I am now going to read some cards and messages just come in.

TO Mark — We could have been so good together — Love Kate Moss
TO Sharon — We could have been so good together — Love Martina Navratilova

1.To Mark and Sharon
Best wishes form Bill and Mary Farkin…and the whole Farkin family.

2. From the Victoria Palace Hotel at Sunny Beach in Bulgaria
Congratulations to you both on this day. We very much look forward to making your honeymoon a special and memorable one. Please do not worry if there is some delay when you arrive. We are putting something on for you…..the roof.

3.To Sharon from the grooms work dept of Audit and Compliance team
We've found Mark to be useless in every position he has held ; hope you have better luck!
4 Hurry up back from your honeymoon, because we all miss you so much…..from macdonalds in bradford
5 Dear Sharon we are so upset you are marrying Mark and not us………..… from ..tom,dick and harry.
6. To the groom,
A loyal and valued customer, our very best wishes to you and your bride.
Will you be renewing your subscription?
Playboy Magazine.

ADVICE
In the days leading up to this marriage I thought it would be a good idea to seek advice from married couples which I can pass on to Mark and Sharon …..so they can benefit from their wisdom.
I shall not reveal these peoples names…… for fear of reprisals….… from their wives!.
Here are the pearls of wisdom.…
Remember that MARRIAGE is not just one word … it is a sentence……you get less for murder!
You have exchanged your wedding rings today, but there are more than 2 rings to a marriage
…..the suffeRing,
…..the enduRing
…..and the tortuRing!
They say "love is blind" …….but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.
Always remember to tell her those 3 little words…..… "You're right dear".
She knows when you buy her flowers …….it PROVES you're guilty
She'll also remember ….to the second ….when you last bought them.
Always give your wife 3 months notice if you want to go down the pub with the lads… and get her agreement in writing.
Sharon remember you must let him ogle, if he doesn't look at other women how is supposed to know how pretty you are.
Mark always remember NEVER SWEAR AT YOUR WIFE WHEN THERES LADIES PRESENT

I recently read a book about the three key elements to a successful wedding day. They are as follows:
The Aisle – The longest walk you'll ever take.
The Altar – The place where two become one.
The Hymn – The celebration of the marriage.
I think Sharon must have read the same book, because after taking the vows
earlier today, I'm pretty sure I heard her mumbling those same three things.
– – – Aisle Altar Hymn.
I'm feeling pretty nervous at the moment, but not as nervous as Mark was this morning. He said that he had a few butterflies in his stomach, but he should be feeling better now as I found this in toilet just after he'd left it (reach down under the table and retrieve a housebrick).

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances, Mark has asked me to point out to several members of the family (the ones who don't like spending too much) the last bus from Morrisons leaves at 10pm. On behalf of myself, I wish you'd all stayed at home because things would have been much easier on me. I started planning this speech 7 months ago, and you must all feel like I've been delivering it equally as long, but now it gives me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast for Mark and Sharon, Mr and Mrs Pascall , We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and fruitful marriage. Mark and Sharon.