Speech by Pete Heys

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Pete Heys
Speech Date: oct 2003
Opening

Good Evening everyone. For those of you who don't know me I'm Pete, Andrew's little Brother. It's great to be standing here. After all these years, Andy has finally admitted that I am the Best Man.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a great service and a wonderful reception so far. I'm a little emotional and it's left me speechless. This happens to be a bit inconvenient at this precise moment.

I'd like to thank Andrew on behalf of Corrina, the Maid of honour, for his kind words and gift. Corrina looks fantastic I'm sure you'll all agree and she has performed her role splendidly.

Now, I do find it curious that all the Best Man speeches I've heard – without exception – blatantly and disgracefully set out to demolish the character of the groom. Frankly, I can see no reason why this speech should be any different.

So if there's anybody here in this room who's feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead, (look at Andy and smile) it's probably because you have just got married to Andrew Heys.

Let me just say that most of my childhood years I spent in the company of the groom means that he had as much of a part in developing my sense of humour as anyone. I have tried to make this speech as funny as possible, please blame Andy if it's not.

Complimentary words about the Bride

I think we all agree that Denise looks lovely today. (Pause) A number one hit if ever there was one. And Andrew's looking a bit like a chart – topper himself – although I'm not sure from which year. I really think she's made a wonderful choice of first husband.

Congratulating the couple

I have the highest hopes for Andy and Denise's future happiness together. Denise, my wish is that you have a long and happy marriage and that all of your dreams come true. Andy, for your sake, I sincerely hope that all of Denise's dreams do come true.

About Being Best Man

My role as Andy's best man is going better than expected today. I've so far managed to get him to the service on time looking smart, and that's unusual for Andy – both being well dressed and punctual. He also arrived sober, an achievement which shouldn't be underestimated. And whilst a bit of the polish may now have faded, at 6pm this evening, he is still looking very smart – and that's totally unheard of.

I was surprised when Andy asked me to be his best man. But on reflection, I think he was swayed by the fact that I know very little about his circle of friends, which naturally puts some rather embarrassing stories out of reach. Or so he thought. A number of these interesting stories came to light during the Stag night in Birmingham recently.

Nothing would give me more amusement than to paint a lurid picture of Andy's stag weekend, but alas the Law of the Stag swears me to secrecy – well almost. I can't divulge any detail, but I do have fond (but shaky) memories of Irish bars, a collection of well groomed dogs (Greyhounds), a pitcher of Pims, Ryan trying to out-drink me, Andy asking a police officer for his number, Neil spotting a Saddam look-alike and Stuart being congratulated for his post modernist Technicolor fertilisation of the Birmingham flower boxes.

The Groom

We have now reached that pivotal moment in the speech where I am meant – in good taste – to put the groom down. So, minus the good taste, I'll proceed.

Andy made it clear that he didn't want me just to focus on embarrassing stories alone. Before I move on to those stories, I feel a biographical summary on the life and times of Andy Heys is necessary: Andy was born, he then went to school, after which he got a job, and he's now just got married. (Pause) Right then, on to those stories.

Grandma had a number of contributions here. For Andrew's modesty, I have decided to keep them out of the speech. Grandma can of course be persuaded to reveal these stories in return for drinks at the bar later.

It hasn't always been easy growing up in the footsteps of an older, competitive and successful brother – the one who was stronger, could run faster, watch TV later – all that sort of thing. But I have learnt a great deal from it, and not just from observing Andy's successes. By observing Andy I have been able to avoid some truly terrible haircuts.

In all seriousness, following in someone's footsteps is never easy but the paths that my brother paved made it particularly difficult.

Andy's childhood literature of choice was not Dickens nor Shakespeare but Hargreaves, author of the classic … Mr Men series. If you'd seen Andy's former house, Mr Greedy, Mr Clumsy or even Mr Forgetful would seem to sum him up. I'm sure Denise would agree that Mr Messy is the one Mr Men characters to which Andy bears the closest resemblance – and if his taste in magazines during High School is anything to go buy, I can personally testify that Andy is filthy.

Andrew, like myself, joined the Scouts. Heaven help anyone who had to rely on his fire making skills. Much of the problem lay in his wood-chopping. This left a lot to be desired, although he often blamed this on the small, flimsy axe the Scout leader provided. But I'm certainly not going to use this story to make a reference about Andy and his small and useless chopper.

After breaking the school 100m record at 15, his PE teacher was left in tears when he opted for Science Maths and Economics at A-Level. He then decided to study Economics at that great beacon of learning – York University. Apparently he missed so many lectures, the faculty almost changed his degree to Home Economics.

After University, Andy opted for working for the local water company. As you can imagine, Andy was flushed with excitement to get the position. He found it embarrassing during drought times telling people to put their hosepipes away. It's a bum job Andy, but somebody had to do it.

Meanwhile Andy bought a house, his first house which of course requires DIY. After ripping out the kitchen he started to put tar on the garage roof. Andy, it's meant to go on the roof, not yourself. And don't think jumping off the roof at the same time makes it hurt less.

Despite never cleaning the carpets he still entertained many of his friends with his now legendary “Full Monty” parties. Little does Andy know that to each one of these parties, one of his friends, who shall remain nameless, discretely dropped a less than complimentary CD into his collection. Andy, if you were ever wondering where “Sounds of the Brazilian Rainforest” came from or how “Rod Hull and Emus Greatest Hits” came to live in the house. Now you know. The Chesney Hawkes CD is yours by the way.

On a more sombre note, we are grateful for our happy couple being spared potential harm during the earthquake Andrew mentioned. It took Denise till the morning before she believed what had happened. Lets hope this is the last time Andrew shakes her awake to tell her the earth moved.

Andy's dubious past seem a long, long way removed from the fine young man we have sitting with us today. He has so many qualities (pause) – intelligence, wit, charm, and good looks … are sadly just some of the ones he's missing.

Joking aside, Andrew is a very special person to me. He is a true friend who never ceases to amaze me with his kindness and generosity. He has listened to me through many a crisis. He gives without any thought of reward. He is a super guy and a role model of a Brother.

And yes, we've had our differences. There have been times when Andy would call me “Smelly”, and I would call him “Big ears”. We would both run home crying. Sure enough, the next day, Andy would e-mail me from work and we would make up.

Best Man's thoughts on Love and Marriage

Isn't this a beautiful hotel? Legend says that Hetland Hall is one of the most haunted places in Britain. I believe this to be a convenient cover-up at breakfast. I'm sure there will be several complaints about the sound of rattling chains and moaning in the night.

Now that Andrew and Denise have tied the knot, the key to a happy future is good, clear communication – something that took Suzanne and I some time to perfect. I realised this as soon after we moved in together. I told her I liked black underwear (pause) – after which she stopped washing my boxer shorts.

I know that Andy sees marriage as being very similar to his beloved Blackburn Rovers – he's totally committed, wants to score every Saturday and change ends at half time.

When it came to finding a wife, Andy couldn't have been luckier. I have a great deal of respect for Denise and admiration for her being a Teacher. It's a match made in heaven. By living with Andrew she's already familiar with temper tantrums and thumb sucking on a daily basis.

Please Denise, bear in mind that Andy is an ordinary bloke. He owns 4 pairs of shoes. Don't expect him to be able to choose which one of your 35 pairs looks best with your dress.

Messages

I have some messages to read out.

To Andy, One of our best customers. Good luck and congratulations. Disappointed that Denise turned down our quote for the catering – Ahmed at the Shirley Kebab House.

And this one's just to Denise: Enjoy and cherish this Saturday with Andy, because from August 16th he's ours – Blackburn Rovers Football Club.

One from an ex girlfriend Lucy. To Andy: Have a great day and sorry I couldn't make it, but I have double Maths on Fridays.

Pete and Sarah Naylor. Having shared a tent with this man for a month, I pity anyone who vows to share a bed with him. Seriously….though, distance sometimes stops us from keeping in touch I'm proud to have Andrew as a good friend. I wish you both all the best for the day and marriage brings you as much as it has us.

Closing Lines

I want to close this speech by saying how sincerely pleased I am for both of you. Andy, you have found a woman of great warmth, humour and kindness. Denise, you have done equally in Andrew – but perhaps minus the warmth, humour and kindness.

Toasts

Andy, as best man, my advice to you is this: Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.

Ladies and gentlemen, with great pleasure I invite you all to stand and raise your glasses as a toast to the new couple, Mr and Mrs Heys, the Bride and Groom.