Speech by Peter Buckley

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Peter Buckley
Speech Date: oct 2004

Good Afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls and Rik for those of you who don't know me, I'm Peter, and I'm lucky enough to be Rik's Best Man.

Firstly on behalf of the Bridesmaid Katie, I'd like to thank Rik for his kind words.

When Rik first asked me to be his best man I was sitting on the floor of a building in Newcastle with about 500 wires lying loose next to me. I did not have a clue where they all were all supposed to go. During all that confusion I would have said yes to anything… He told me that he was going to get married in a registry office to which I thought “great they're small weddings with only a few people, I can do that”, so I agreed. Little did I know back then that it had room for so many.

Now before I go on to completely slander Rik's character as is traditional, I'd just like to first thank him for lending me a book which had a chapter entitled ‘The Best Man Checklist’. I must confess I was mystified by some of the things I was expected to do:

Bring a chequebook or credit card for payments that the groom may have forgotten – which knowing Rik will be all of them, so I've got about £1,000 on me…

Help the groom dress – he should really know by now, but its true that he does occasionally struggle choosing clean socks over dirty.. *Look at Emma for nodding*

Ensure the groom's face and hair are in order – Well, God didn't do it right the first time around, so I've got no hope.

Make sure his trousers are done up – at this point I'm thinking that perhaps his mum should have been best man.

See that angry ex-girlfriends are kept at bay – I should think most of them will be far from angry, probably out celebrating…

Bring a zip-up bag with the following items for emergencies:

aspirin, antacid, deodorant, valium (Rik and I have already finished most of those in the pub beforehand) toothpaste, and a big black magic marker pen". I did actually bring one of those, because it says here I have to, but if anyone knows what it's for, please tell me because I'm dying to know…

And finally.

Make a speech to the bride and groom.

Now I thought this meant JUST the bride and groom, and I'd get locked in a nice little room to talk to them for a while, and maybe have a couple of drinks, so I'm a little upset to now find I have to do it in front of 50 people. Still, must press on…

Rik was born on April the 6th, 1978. Now, April the 6th is not a very interesting day. Loads of famous people were born on the 7th, such as Russell Crow, Jackie Chan, David Frost, Jet Li, and Billie Holliday. So, the 7th is obviously a very busy day and God takes a bit of a rest on the 6th to prepare, which explains a lot about our Rik here.

Saying that he does actually share his birthday with a couple of gorgeous women namely Kelly Brooke and Sharon Stone. But that is definitely all he'll ever share with them. Although as the years have gone by he does seem to be filling out in certain areas of his body, so he and Kelly probably do have something else in common.

Now, I didn't know Rik until a he was 17, so I've had to rely on his own version of events regarding his early life. Apparently, he was an exceptionally gifted student at school, and excelled in everything he did, be it arts, sciences, languages, or sports. He left school to the great sadness of his teachers with the highest grades in the country, and finally went to university in Lancaster after refusing bribes from Cambridge, Oxford, and MIT. This is where I met him on the first day and obviously something terrible must have happened, which transformed this high flyer into the useless layabout that we all know today.

The day that I first met Rik and Emma as a couple was back when I was living in London. I had invited Rik to come and stay and when I opened the door I was a little surprised to meet Emma as well. However we hit it off instantly and soon became good friends. That night we went out into the centre and to a club but as with most nights of my life I had drank far too much before leaving and the memories of the club are a blur. Apparently I left after just 10 minutes and went home for a pizza before passing out, completely forgetting about Rik and Emma and the fact that they had no keys. I awoke sometime the next day to find Rik downstairs. Somehow he had managed to shimmy under the garage and through the house to open the door. I can only guess that he smelled my pizza and in desperation managed to find a way in.

After a few years, Rik decided to ask Emma to marry him. Somewhat foolishly, he popped the question walking on the way to the Empire States building in New York. If I was Rik, I would have asked in a small room with the door locked, so she couldn't run away. Anyway, after a pretty long chase in which Emma nearly got back to the hotel, Rik caught her up and badgered her into accepting his proposal. So, after many months of organisation and planning, they are both here today. I don't think Emma's going to be making a speech, is that right? No, of course, she can't stand up because she's been tied to the chair.

Rik is widely acknowledged as an expert cook, sorry no eater. He must be, I have never seen anyone demolish a BigMac in the amount of time he can. He has two general rules for eating.
If hungry eat..
If full eat anyway..

As far as sport is concerned, Rik doesn't do a lot, but he was a keen climber at university. And if you'd seen his bedroom, you'd know why. People have been lost for days in there, and survived only by eating bits of old pizza and getting directions from the small mouse hidden behind his couch.

However, no one stays the same forever, and we may be seeing the beginning of a new Rik today, which can only be a good thing really. I'd just like to say that Rik is a very lucky man, to be marrying Emma today. She deserves a good husband, and Rik, you should thank God that you got her before she found one.

On a more serious note; Rik, we have had some excellent times together and I know that we will continue to do so in the future. You are a great friend, and it is a true honour to be your best man.

I'm sure I also speak for the happy couple, when I sincerely thank you all for eating and drinking your way through thousands of pounds of their money, condemning their early years of wedded bliss to poverty, hardship, destitution, and debt. However, ladies and gentlemen, the best thing I can say about Rik and Emma is … *LOOK AT NOTES OVER-EXAGGERATEDLY* … their gen-er…, generosity (is that right, Emma?) …yeah, their generosity of spirit.

Seriously, though, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank both of them for always offering me support when I've needed them. It is an honour, also the most terrifying experience of my life, to be asked to be best man here today. I just hope neither of them has need of my services again in the future because I'm not doing it.

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances. On behalf of myself, I wish you'd all stayed at home because things would have been much easier on me. I started planning this speech 6 months ago, and you must all feel like I've been delivering it equally as long, but now it gives me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast for Rik and Emma, Mr and Mrs XXXXXX no less, who deserve to be here with each other today (and I do mean that in the nicest possible way). We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and fruitful marriage. Rik and Emma…

*We also arranged for a £1 bet to be put on every horse on the Grand National and put a random name under each persons place mat. I added this information to the end of the speech and it went down really well apart from the fact that the groom won. No it was not fixed and very surprising :p*