Speech by Peter Burt

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Peter Burt
Speech Date: May2007
Good afternoon Ladies Gentlemen girls and boys
We have arrived at that point in the day where we must rise from the comfort of our chairs and make fools out of ourselves, well some of us anyway!
I however will try and postpone mine for as long as possible and hand you over to Graham Helens father to say a few words.

Thank you Graham.

I would now like to hand you over to Andrew to make his excuses/say a few words.

Well Andrew, I hope you made the most of your speech, Now you're a married man, that'll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted!

Ladies and Gentleman, Boys and Girls I hope you are having a wonderful time,
For what seems to be the tenth time today I find my self rising from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.
I would like to read some messages from those who could not make it to this auspicious occasion.

MESSAGES

Now I will read a few cards which Andrew and Helen have requested that I read
To Helen I'm Sorry I could not marry u myself so I got one of my mate s to do it, but best wishes on your special Day
From the Pope …
Congratulations on your special day Andrew we will miss u All the girls from the fantasy lounge XX
Other cards

I have never been a best man before, and I am not renowned for my speech writing, But I'll try my best, ””cause Andrew said if I do a good job today, I can be Best Man at his next wedding, too.

It's a great honour ladies and gentlemen but in all honestly I'm actually a little bit nervous doing this, but I feel a bit comforted by the fact I've actually already rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience. – Yep it was Andrews geriatric home – and I think it went well – they all peeed themselves

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Peter and for those of you that do … well I apologise. My full name is actually ‘Peter would-you-like-a-drink’ For those of you who I meet in the bar later, I'd appreciate it if you could use my full name. [pause]
I am I one of Andrews brothers and isn't it good to see that I am finally receiving the recognition I deserve by being named as Best man.
It is well known that I can talk and I couldn't help but notice that there is a bet on about the length of my speech.
Well, just to let you know, having backed myself at 2 hours 26 minutes and with the kitty currently standing at around 㿙, I must apologise in advance, so please make yourself comfortable and enjoy the ride.

I would like to thank the bridesmaids Vicky, Grace, Katie and Charlotte whom I'm sure you will agree all look radiant. And how nice it is to see Katie out of her emo/hippy out fit.

I would also like to thank Steve and Will for carrying out the really difficult task of telling people where to sit in church, Nana June for laying on the horse and carriage, lee for doing the invitation inserts and Uncle Alan for doing the video.

I would also like to thank Auntie Anne, Auntie Pat and Debbie for the glorious flowers in the church and everyone else who has helped with the hall.

Now it gives me great Pleasure to ask you all to raise your glasses for some very important people, with out them the today would not be the same,
Would you raise your glasses to toast..
The bar staff!!

Before I begin Helen would u place your right hand on the table, Andrew would u place your left on top of Helens. All will be revealed in good time.

I can confirm to you all that last night Andrew slept like a baby………that is he wet the bed twice………..and woke up several times crying for his MUMMY!

The only problem we've seen so far is that Andrew and Helen had a bit of an issue with the seating plan, because they really couldn't decide where everyone should sit. So Andrew, in his true fashion, decided to link it to the wedding present list He decided to put those who brought the biggest items nearest the front, and work back from there…
So ***** “pause” and look around at the back for ******* Andrew and Helen wanted to say thanks for the oven glove!

Now Andrew and Helen have been together for a few years now and seem to have found their soul mates in each other.

In life, its difficult to imagine Morecambe without Wise, Andrew without his red MG, tom without jerry, Romeo without Juliet, Del without Rodney, and of course Andrew without Helen.
Now as I mentioned, it is a great honour to be Best Man, but with the role comes the job of writing this speech, and to be honest I wanted to make the process as easy as possible.
So where do you begin for ideas?
The obvious place seemed to be the Internet, so with a multitude of resources at my fingertips I dutifully began searching the web.
After a couple of hours searching I found some REALLY good stuff on the net, but ….then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for Best Man tips!!!

I did actually find LOADS of ready-prepared speeches on the internet.… but sadly, NONE of them were about a couple called Andrew and Helen ….so it looks like it's down to me after all.
As part of my research I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to SING THE GROOM'S PRAISES and tell you all about his MANY good points. Well, I'm very sorry but I CAN'T SING, and I WON'T LIE
Helen is a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Thank God you married her before she found one!

I do have to say how lucky you are Andrew. You will leave here having gained a wife that is warm, loving and caring. A wife who is funny, and who radiates beauty where ever she goes. [pause]
face Helen
And Helen[pause]
how lucky you are as well [pause]
you leave today having gained a .[pause]
Gorgeous dress and a lovely bouquet of flowers. [pause]

Andrew has had a chequered life and it started some 38 years ago when quite small he entered our family and joined Steve and me.
This was a real disappointment to us as this meant that we had to share our toys with one more person.
However it was not long until Andrew was exposing himself to the whole country literally sitting on a potty in the middle of the countryside as the world went on by.
Later he went on to school and by the age of sixteen he finally left primary school.
He then started his working life Messams, then Curry's, Clinches hotel, the Coach and Horses pub, then the Blue Anchor in jersey here at the Fishbourne club where he met Helen, then the Blue Bell at cocking now at Cornelius house where he is hoping to get a discount as he is getting close to requiring a room.

Now we have had a lot of trouble contacting people from his previous places of work, and for some reason interpols fraud section has been showing signs of interest, as most of these buisnesses are no longer ,
the coach and horses gone bust
The blue anchor gone bust
And the bluebell gone bust
But Helen has done a good job at covering the evidence up.

as for Helen well her life has just begun.

But Helen is keeping Andrew on the straight and narrow.

Instead of stories you will have to listen to my martial advice instead.
I'm not sure I'm the best person to dish out advice! But I do have the following words of wisdom for the happy couple.

Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who is the boss:
Then do everything Helen says.

Always remember to tell your wife those three important little words [pause] ‘You're right dear’.

Helen A husband is like a tiled floor [pause] lay it right first time and you can spend years walking all over it.

A happy marriage is a matter of give and take the husband gives and the wife takes. [pause]

Remember the 5 rings
the engagement ring, the wedding ring, the suffering,
the torturing and the enduring

Don't forget Andrew if u buy her flowers, she knows your guilty, and she will remember to the second the last time you bought her some … and the reason why!

Now in case any of you are wondering why I asked Andrew to place his hand on Helens. I will tell you now, Andrew as my final role, it is with great pleasure that I have been able to give you the last 10 minutes in which you have had the upper hand on Helen. It will almost certainly be the last.

May your love be modern enough to service the times and old fashioned enough to last 4 ever.

HERES TO LOVE, LAUGHTER,
AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER,
AS Andrew and Helen START THEIR NEW LIFE,
PLEASE STAND &amp TOAST THE NEW HUSBAND &amp WIFE.

If you would all be up standing in my toast

To the new Mr and Mrs Burt
Andrew and Helen