Speech by Peter Davidge

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Peter Davidge
Speech Date: Jul 2001
INTRO

Good Afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Peter and I'm Andrew's "little" brother – and that just refers to our age difference, and no other physical characteristic.

When Andrew asked me to be his best man I grasped the opportunity, since I’
ve been married myself for nearly five years now, and giving this speech is
a rare opportunity to hear the sound of my own voice for five minutes.

In fact, some one famous once said "Being asked to be Best Man is like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother – It is a great honour, But no-one wants to do it".

ABOUT ANDREW

It's traditional for the Best Man to embarrass the groom in his speech, but
I'm not going to do that – I think Andrew manages to embarrass himself
without any help from anyone else.

What I thought I would do, was give you my observations of knowing Andrew
for my whole life, for the benefit of those of you that who don't know him,
and maybe some of you that do know him may find out something new.

FOOTBALL

From an early age, it was clear that Andrew was never going to be one of
this country's leading Olympic sportsmen. In fact I can remember an old
school report of his commenting on his performance at football – it said
"Andrew played a game of two halves; the first half was even and the second
half was even worse". The report went on to say that Andrew was useless in
every position – hopefully Sharon will have more luck tonight !

UNLUCKY

Before Andrew met Sharon, I always considered him to be an unlucky man – no
where better is this illustrated than in his career. He is the only person I know who has been made redundant from two different jobs in as many weeks, and then ended up working for our Dad – it just goes to show that bad things do go in threes !

Perhaps it's sometime to do with his attitude at work – I understand at work that he is known around the office as "God". Apparently, this is because he's rarely seen, holier than thou and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle !

FOOD

One thing I do have to tell you about Andrew, that is a source of endless
amusement to me, is his complete lack of co-ordination. Now those of you who know Andrew may find this hard to believe, seeing as he is quite artistic and not outwardly clumsy – but all this changes when you put a knife, fork or spoon in his hands. His co-ordination reverts back to that of a two-year-old. Food goes everywhere – food on the floor, food on his clothes, food up the walls; everywhere. In fact, this is no exaggeration, when we both kids, there was one wall in our dining room that our Dad had to redecorate more often than the rest of the room. When we moved house, the surveyor couldn't understand why one wall was an inch thicker than the rest of the room!

Those of you that have followed Andrew and Sharon's courtship will know that they used to eat out alot in pubs and restaurants, sometimes up to four times a week. I used to think this was a reflection on Sharon's cooking, but after some months the eating out tapered off. Andrew's official reason why this stopped, was that they were saving money for this wedding. But I've got my own theory – I think Andrew has been banned by all the restaurants in the area because of the mess he makes.

Although, I must state for the record, that the malicious rumour of Andrew
being banned from Macdonald's Children's Play area for making more mess than a four year olds birthday party are absolutely untrue – it was actually Burger King !

TELEGRAMS

Well, I can't think of anything more funny to say now, so I'd just like to
read out a few telegrams;

"Congratulations Andrew and Sharon. Sorry I can't be there to share your
happy day, but I have another appointment – Lord Jeffery Archer"

Oh, this ones from Godfrey your Barber. It says, "Andrew, hope you'll be
letting your hair down tonight, seeing as its your hair that's been letting
you down for the last ten years"

? "I will leave the key to the palace under the backdoor mat, Love The Queen Mum" – Oh Sorry That one's for me !

TOASTS

I started planning this speech three months ago, and you must feel like I
have been delivering it equally as long, so I will rap up now. On behalf of
the Bride and Groom I would like to thank everyone here for sharing their
day, particularly those of you who have travelled long distances.
Personally, I wished you'd all stayed at home, as it would have made my job
a lot easier !

Anyway, time for a toast. I was originally going to do a toast comparing the wedding night to a kitchen table – you know; four legs and no drawers -but I've been told that was inappropriate.

So I'm going to keep my toast simple. Please raise you your glasses to
"Andrew and Sharon -The Bride and Groom".