Speech by Peter George

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Peter George
Speech Date: sep 2003

Hello. Yes I am nervous about giving this speech – This is the fifth time today I've got off a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand – I'm actually as nervous as Kevin was this morning – you left this in the loo mate [hand Kev a brick] In fact, he didn't help when he said that If I did a good job today, I could be his Best Man next time!

It was recently suggested to me that being asked to be the Best Man is like being asked to sleep with the Queen – it's a great honour but nobody really wants to do it!
Anyway, here I am. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Peter WouldYouLikeADrink, so if you see me around later don't hesitate to call out my name.
Firstly, I would like to thank you all for being here and celebrating with us, the marriage of Kevin and Cath (some doing a bit more celebrating than others!!!) and I'd especially like to thank the Bridesmaids (Lindsey, Jenny & Ellie) who have done an excellent job and look absolutely wonderful, Peter for his role as Usher & Al for giving Cath away.
I must of course congratulate the happy couple……not so much on getting married but for choosing to have their wedding in Summer away from the football season!
I find there's nothing worse than trying to keep up with a match during the proceedings.… a wedding can be a real distraction, such a hard decision..… Kev's wedding – York V Torquay……..bit close to call!
FORNICATION……… Sorry, for an occasion such as this, it is traditional to say a few words about the groom:
Kevin & I go back a long way……Kevin actually goes back further than I do.
We first met over 11 years ago at Terry's Chocolate Factory where we were both members of the badminton club. Kevin was a lot better than me, he knew how to handle a cock! However, it was quite easy to read his game, as he would start slowly with delicate little flicks and build up to some really hard sweeping strokes usually ending with a big shot that could go anywhere!!!
Apart from badminton, we both share a huge passion for football especially the 3rd division variety and York City in particular.
Kevin obviously doesn't get to as many games these days as he'd like to but he certainly shared all the worries with the rest of us earlier this year when we nearly went out of business. Over the years, he's been no stranger to missing some important matches. When we put Manchester United out of the League Cup he was in hospital about his stomach. Well it wasn't his stomach it was just an extremely low chest.
And then he missed the game against Fulham when, again, he was in hospital, this time he was in the premature ejaculation unit….apparently it was touch and go at one stage!
I've delved into Kev's past so for those of you who don't know him so well, I will attempt to give you a potted history of the man himself.
Kevin was born on the 10th June, 1968. A year in which, when I had a quick check, nothing really happened!! The most notable event was when Don Fox…..(Heard of Don Fox Kev??) Don Fox is the guy who had the chance to win the Rugby League Cup Final in the last minute with a kick in front of the posts………and he missed!!!
June 10th is also the birthday's of Prince Philip & Liz Hurley.
Looking at Kev now, it's not too big a stretch of the imagination to accept that, frankly, he was an ugly baby.
In fact when he was born the midwife slapped his parents.
It's a little known fact actually, that Kevin was nearly called Friday, as shortly after he was born, his dad turned to his mum and said, ” I think we'd better call it a day!”
I've been reliably informed that Kevin went to Hob Moor Junior & Acomb Secondary Schools…..… where he was an ideal pupil, who excelled in most subjects.
Sorry that should read: "He was an idle pupil, and was expelled from most subjects"!
He was a bit of a tearaway in his teens and ended up with a bad Police record……..’Walking on the Moon!
One of the first things I noticed about Kevin was that he has very good timing – in fact when we went to Tenerife a few years back, we spent the night down in Playa De Las Americas. Coming back on the bus I noticed Kevin's part of the conversation had decreased alarmingly – I thought he was just suffering from the lack of sleep. Only to find as soon as the bus stopped, Kevin darted out the door and in one movement produced a lovely steaming pavement pizza behind a wheelie-bin! Brilliant!!
HOWEVER, your timing is not always perfect is it Kev??! What about the camping trip to Wales when you used your car to pump up the airbed and said, “It'll be alright for a while.” So we all went inside the tent only to be alerted by some popping sounds a short time later……..who ended up having to sleep all week on a very bumpy mattress eh??!!!!
Back in those days, I never really envisaged Kevin ending up getting married……… I recall him saying that he would never marry, but if he did he would marry a woman with small feet. "Why small feet?" I asked. He answered, "So she can get closer to the sink!"
Well, Cath may have big feet but she is a wonderful girl who has become a good friend since I've known her, she's kind, generous, clever and witty.
Cath, you look absolutely stunning today, really gorgeous…….in fact you look like your trying to steal the show! And Kevin…….you've scrubbed up quite nicely yourself, though I am not too pleased about you copying my outfit.
I can recall an occasion shortly after Kevin started seeing Cath when I visited them one weekend, he'd prepared a big plate of carrot & lettuce for her, I asked him if that was all he was going to offer, he said that he wanted to see if she ate like a rabbit too.
Since Kevin asked me to be his Best Man, I have spent the last few months panicking in front of a blank computer screen trying to string some words together that actually make sense.
During this time, I did come across some excellent quotes about marriage and men and women in general, and I thought some of them would be worth sharing as they are rather quite funny, so here goes –
Some people say marriage is a 50/50 partnership – anyone who believes this knows little about women or fractions!
Never go to bed angry – always stay up and argue!
A husband should always remember the 3 Little Words – “You're right, dear!”
Never swear at your wife while there are ladies present.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution.
Women like silent men, they think they are listening.
A man is like a tiled floor, lay it right the first time, and you can spend years walking all over it.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
The trouble with some woman is that they get all excited about nothing, and then marry him.
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women.
I also found some great words of wisdom the first comes in the form of a poem, to help answer that age old mystery of the difference between men and women, called Moods;

MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk;
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, but most of all, she'll love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry.
Horny.

Read messages/cards now.
I'd like to say that it really has been an honour and a pleasure being Kevin's Best Man but today I am the best man in name only. It's Kevin's & Cath's day and I'd like to personally wish them all the very best for this new chapter in their lives.
I have three toasts to make:
Could you all please stand?
Could you please join me in a toast to thank the bride and
grooms parents for all the work they've done for this special day, Carmel, Margaret & Bob.The toast is The Parents.
I'd like everyone to remain standing for a toast to all those people who
couldn't be here today to celebrate;
The toast is To Absent Friends.
And finally, Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure to ask you to join me in a toast to, the Bride and Groom, the new Mr & Mrs XXXX, Kevin & Cath.