Speech by Peter Goode

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Peter Goode
Speech Date: Nov2007
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen,

For those of you who I have not had the pleasure to meet my name is Pete and I have the privilege today of being Paul's Best Man. I'd like to start by thanking you all for coming along and I know it means an awful lot to Paul and Carly, particularly for those of you that have travelled great distances to be here.

Following on from PauI's thanks I would also like to thank a couple of special people in the room by raising my glass. They have spent awful lot of time and effort today on their hair, make up and outfits and have been pouting in front of the camera, standing around drinking pimms and posing for all the boys .. To The Ushers … Jim you look gorgeous mate.

However, according to protocol its my its is my pleasure to respond on behalf of the bridesmaids and on their behalf I'd like to thank Paul for his kind words and gifts. I would also like to concur that the bridesmaid both look absolutely stunning and I am looking forward to marrying one of you in December…… But I haven't made my mind up which one yet. one of the bridesmaid is my fianc&#233 ………………………………

When Paul first asked me to be his best Man, I was slightly worried, but on reflection it dawned on me that I had a once in a lifetime opportunity to embarrass Paul in front of all his friends and family. So.. Thanks Mate !!

One of my main duties today is of course the speech .. And I looked for an obvious source of inspiration .. The internet. After a couple of hours of searching I found some really good stuff …But then I realised I'd eventually go blind and this wasn't getting my speech written … I continued my one handed surfing and managed eventually to glean one top Wedding tip. According to the internet the best man's speech should only last the same amount of time as it take the groom to perform his marital duty on the wedding night .… however as I have already been speaking for longer than 30 seconds . unfortunately I will be forced to break with that protocol.

The other main duties for me today was to make sure Mr Wheller got here on time … Which he did … To ensure that he looks smart and presentable . which I am sure you'll agree he does..… to make sure that he a had a good hearty full English breakfast to calm his nerves … No worries with that one …and finally to make sure he got a good nights sleep last night … and believe me last night Paul slept like a baby .… By this I mean he wet the bed and woke up crying.
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I have only had the pleasure of knowing Paul for the past 5 years or so, but I can safely say that within that short time I can re call more than enough stories to fill even the longest of best man speeches. So ladies and gentleman could you imagine my delight as I started delving back into Mr Wheeler dark and murky past.

It's customary to start with a story from when Paul was a baby and every story should be accompanied with a cute picture of the groom. I was given such a picture and if you could imagine the scene, Paul lying naked on a fluffy white rug, in one hand a chocolate biscuit, dribble and chocolate all over his face, and finally that cheeky little grin shining through. Unfortunately Paul was 23 at the time and the photograph and taken after returning home from a particularly drunken night out.
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So I decided to move on from his early years into his more formative days.
Paul from a young age liked to take care with his appearance at all times, he was a teenager that believed in the importance of male grooming to look his optimum for the ladies. Paul's copious use of hair gel during this period in order to create his double parting slick look earned him the name of &quotWet Look Wheeler&quot. I am sure that after my speech, Paul would be happy to re create his unique hair style of yesteryear for us all with the help of this naturally produced, organic, girl repellent formula, hair gel. nasty hair gel prop

Paul at this time was never afraid to accessorise his look with the use of jewellery, in particular with a certain home made necklace. .. There's nothing wrong with that I may hear you ask… Well I agree, unless, as the arresting police officer at the time stated in his caution to Paul that the pendant had been prised off the bonnet of a 1988 MK 1 Volkswagen Golf in order to fashion a necklace similar to that worn by a popular band at the time.. The Beastie Boys.
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During this period Paul established himself as a keen sportsman especially in the fields of Football and Rugby and he continued this as he progressed to the University of York, where he held the position of team secretary.

His greatest sporting achievement was to lead his University Team on a tour to Holland to play such teams as Holland's A international team and they lost every single one of their games. So you may be forgiven for asking why this was one of Paul's greatest sporting achievements..… well after the entire university team had received a life Ban from P &amp O ferries for drunken debauchery at sea, Paul single handily managed to persuade the Dean of York University.. NOT to cut his or his team mates academic careers short by asking them to leave.… So Carly, I can guarantee that you will not be taking the ferry to Barcelona on your honeymoon.
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After University Paul embarked on his professional career and after initially learning his trade joined a recruitment company called Eden Brown, of which many of his colleagues are here today. At Eden Brown Paul has earned himself the nick name of &quot The God of Recruitment&quot ..… They Call him this… Nobody ever sees him ..And if he made a Sale it was a &quotMiracle&quot.

It was around this time that, although Paul &amp I knew each other through mutual friends.. We became really good mates. Our friendship was galvanised by our love of watching the half time dancing girls at Leeds Tykes Rugby and usually lots and lots of Tetley's Bitter.

One particularly memorable time post match celebration involve a game of pool, a fruity nun and the only time I have ever been asked to leave a restaurant for bad behaviour. This was after Paul persuaded me it was a good idea for us to open a store cupboard in the restaurant and dress up in the cleaners overalls and start cleaning .. much to the restaurants owners and our very sober girlfriends annoyance.

Other post Rugby celebrations included the time Paul decided to invent a new extreme sport. Whilst returning from the Pub we walked past a Charity shop where a kind member of the public had left a donation of a bag of unwanted children's toys. Paul decided that by utilising a &quotBARBIE CAMPERVAN&quot toy he would skateboard down the street and look cool. The next thing I witnessed Paul surf down, Horsforth Town Street on top of a miniature Pink VW Campervan… and for a couple of seconds he looked very cool, until with all the grace of a baby elephant fell of and went crashing into a shop window … severely concussing himself.
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But this was by no means the most serious injury Paul has inflicted on himself .. as one visit to an Indian restaurant tops all others. Paul historically was never a fan of the hotter curry and would always stick to a milder Korma's or Butter Chicken. I on the other enjoy a hotter curry and can take a little extra spice. On this particular occasion we had been provided with a plate of whole pickled green chillies.

Several pints of cobra lager later you could imagine my glee as Paul &quotKorma Boy&quot Wheeler challenged me to a chilli eating contest. I wanted to hedge my bets on this contest and as many of you will know generally the larger the chilli . the milder it actually will be.… I therefore choose my chilli carefully, choosing the largest chilli on the plate..… Paul also wanted to give himself a guarantee of beating me, but unfortunately not knowing that size matters when it come to chillies and other things … decided to give himself an advantage by choosing the Smallest but meanest Chilli on the plate ……..… Well so he thought.

Just before we called for an ambulance, Paul had stopped having palpitations and was just about able to speak after losing his voice. He told me that he never thought anything could burn as much as that chilli he had just eaten ….… I didn't have the heart to tell him at the time that time the chilli entering his body was the least of his worries, but did tell him he may want to put a toilet roll in the fridge overnight. The next time I saw him he looked a shell of his former self. He later commented the Johnny Cash Song &quotRing of Fire &quot had a whole new meaning to him.
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Around this time Paul &amp Carly , Suzie &amp I decided it would be fun to go on holiday together and after much investigation decided to go to Sidari in Corfu. Our accommodation … was described in the brochure as being above a quiet taverna .. Quiet taverna in Greek actually means &quot24 hour hardcore rave nightclub&quot … however Sidari did provided Paul with a great opportunity to embrace another of his passions …….Karaoke !!

It was amazing to see him whip the crowd up into a coma with his rendition of &quotHero&quot by Enrica Englasias, integrated with his crowd pleasing &quotCheer up you're on Holiday&quot shout outs.
The 2004 &quotOuzo&quot tour Album is available from all good record stores under Paul's performing name of Russel &quotThe Voice&quot Sidari, with backing vocals from Bob Stifado.
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However, being recognised as an international recording artist and general all round mega star was something Paul had to get used to when recently visiting the city of Berlin for his Stag Do.

In order to understand this further I am going to give you a very short history lesson. In 1989 the icon of the Cold War, the Berlin Wall fell and the re unification of East &amp West Germany began. At this time a TV actor by the name of David Hasslefoff , famous for Knight Rider &amp Baywatch, had a song in the German Charts called &quotFreedom&quot that was number 1 and became the anthem of the new Germany.

Therefore it was only right that Paul on his stag do became …… THE HOFF.

Scarily enough after initial sober hesitation Paul fully embraced his character to the extent of signing autographs, waving at the crowds from an open top bus and … like all celebrities throwing mega star type tantrums when he didn't get what he wanted ..… a word of warning ladies and gentlemen .… please do not &quotHassle the Hoff&quot this evening unless you want to see him have a celebrity hissy fit.

It would be wrong of me to mention anything else from the Stag do as you understand what happens on tour stays on tour. Except for me to say thankyou to the guys and that I am still minty fresh to this day.
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POSSIBLE TELEGRAMS

Ladies and Gentlemen , As you can see this afternoon I have demonstrated some of Paul's finest moments and I am sure Thelma is sitting there extremely proud of her new son inlaw.

In fact she said to me earlier how she felt history was repeating itself .… 27 years ago she was sending her daughter Carly to bed with a dummy …… and today she's doing the very same thing.

However, It would be unfair of me if was not revealed the true Paul Wheeler to you all today .… and that's The Paul Wheller that will do anything for anyone … The Paul Wheeler who is always there to make you laugh and to pick you up when your down ….The Paul Wheeler who you count upon and the Paul Wheeler that I enjoy getting into so much trouble with, much to the constant despair and embarrassment of our good ladies.

Paul , thankyou for being a true friend to me and giving me the honour of taking a part in your special day today.
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Over the past few years I have also been luckly enough to become good friends with Carly .… of which I have no drunken embarrassing stories of .… but have come to know her as one of the kindest, intelligent &amp funny people I have ever come to meet.

And I think you will all also agree that Carly looks absolutely stunning today .. and is the reason why Paul looks.… well absolutely stunned …

I sure you would all agree they make a fantastic couple and I know that they will have a long and happy life time together.

So as I come to the end of my speech and in time honoured fashion I would now like you to stand, raise your glasses and join me in proposing a toast to the New Mr &amp Mrs Wheeler.

Ladies and Gentleman , I give you the wonderful BRIDE &amp GROOM.

BRIDE &amp GROOM