Speech by Peter Hart – English Version

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Peter Hart – English Version
Speech Date: Sep 2001
Bride, Bridegroom, ladies and gentlemen – gutten tag. When David asked me to be his best man I immediately thought that the simplest way to put a speech together was to get one from the Internet – so thanks go to www.hitched.com – I think.

I started looking at hundreds of ready-made speeches kindly donated by past masters, only to discover that 90% of them always start with the same joke – you know the one – being best man is like making love to the Queen Mother – it's a great honour – but nobody wants to do it – so I thought I wouldn't use it!

The next thing that the website tells you is that it's the best man's job, in his speech, to extol the virtues of the bride and then explain to her all those details about her new man that so far he has carefully avoided telling her. So Birgit let me tell you a few things that you may be interested in.

David is that older brother who can always talk more, eat more, and stay up later. Following in his footsteps has always been a stretch – even if I had wanted to. As we know, David is highly competitive. I can never forget that he is two and half years ahead of me. Although I wonder why, with such a head start, he hasn't got farther. This state of affairs has, however, given me the advantage of being able to watch David. And surprisingly it has not always been his successes, the biggest of which we are hear today to witness, but some of his most hideous mistakes that I have been able to learn from. This has not just saved me from being pursued by bank managers all over the world, it has been much more instrumental.

The year is 1953 – famous for the Queen's Coronation and of course a notable success for David – he was born. I don't think this was a mistake – but you'll have to check with Kitty or Rudi afterwards for the real answer
David soon became a well known face in Birmingham (and not just with the local police) but also with friends and family and at the age of 5 got to know the back of his great uncle's hand very well. This was when he thought that the minimum age for driving a car had been substantially lowered. His Uncle Otto and Aunt Olga were over for tea and a gleaming black car was parked outside the house – David couldn't resist to see what would happen if you released that funny-looking handle. Both of us were in the car that day – which suddenly gathered speed and headed-off down the road only to be stopped in its tracks rather forcefully by a neighbour's tree. Not known for his athleticism and gymnastic ability, David, that day, proved that if you have sufficient will and motivation, then Olympic Gold in running can be within anyone's grasp. Sadly for David's bottom the car became part of the tree and his Uncle, having left his mark, never visited again.

David progressed through life and secondary school where he became interested in chemistry. One day he decided to experiment with some materials (sadly for him Viagra was still to be invented) that someone had foolishly given him as a present in a chemistry set. Like most children he decided to make something that would make a loud bang – only he decided to do this in our greenhouse. Later that day – when the greenhouse no longer had any windows, he decided that perhaps medicine would be a safer option.
David charmed his way through the rest of his school days. Some say it was bribery, but anyway he became head boy and got himself a free trip to Canada as a Rhodes Scholar. Then the world of medicine laid waiting for him. David worked very hard to become doctor – although a lot of the time we all thought he wanted to be a butcher as he always stayed on late to cut up those extra portions on the bodies – and he always explained the intricate details to the rest of the family at suppertime. Then, of course, there was all that extra revision that he needed to do – especially the practical examinations which, conveniently, only the nurses could help with.

So David qualified – ages ago, it seems – actually, it was ages ago. He launched himself onto the world. What happened next is history – so we'll skip a few years to avoid any legal proceedings. This brings us almost up to date – but there are a few other things you should know:
By now, I'm sure you all know that David likes the good things in life:
His love of food is almost as great as…….well, I think you know this – and I've probably said too much about it already.

He loves Mercedes cars – this I think you know too, and he loves travelling especially in Europe – I think this is because of all the years our parents dragged him around all the major capitals as a child – having to kick his backside for some disagreement or another.

And Birgit – he loves MONEY – so I hope you have plenty of it – as David always tells me he hasn't got any. Maybe you'll discover whether it's true about his secret Swiss bank account.

David loves old films – so you will have to sit through many hours of old Hollywood classics or British Ealing comedies – you will find this very useful if you ever take part in any quizzes – I find that I know the answer to some of the most innocuous questions whenever I take part in any. – here's a test for instance, David, what was the sequel to the 1955 classic, the Prisoner of Zenda starring Stewart Grainger? [wait for his answer] – that is correct!!

David loves uniforms – strangely I don't remember him as a child dressing up in any outfits of any kind, and yet he loves seeing and being with people in uniforms – I guess that is one reason why he's working here at the base – so Birgit I hope you've got yours ready.

And of course – he loves WOMEN – I mean WOMAN – that's you, Birgit – definitely – yes definitely!
There's much more – but you'll have plenty of time to discover these things as time goes by. I hope this will help you appreciate a little more about David.

So now, turning to Birgit – you really are to be congratulated – you have accomplished a lot so far as David's partner – having applied common sense and stability into his chaotic life – I'm sure that you'll continue to do this with confidence – ‘cos you'll have to. Today, I'm sure everyone will agree that you and David make a fine couple.

Now at this point – I'm supposed to, by tradition, to read out any cards that have been sent through to the happy couple – ah, here's a few already:

“From X in England (name and address withheld) – sorry I can't be with you on your special day – my solicitor will be talking to you soon – I tried to send you a present but the Post Office said that it would be dangerous because the pin may become loose in transit”.

“From the Governor of Bedford jail – best wishes on your wedding – your usual place awaits you on your return.”

“The Manager of Barclays Bank, Bedford – I'm not sending you a present – please could you put a cheque in the post”.

So finally, ladies and gentlemen – please charge your glasses for a toast to the happy couple – I would like to wish you both all good wishes and the best of luck, and Birgit – you'll need it.

Ladies and Gentlemen – please be upstanding – the toast is David and Birgit…………