Speech by Peter Hatfield

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Peter Hatfield
Speech Date: 02/08/2011 17:21:12

“Where it began, I can't begin to know it.”

Hello everyone my name is Peter and I have the honour of being Jay's best man today.  This means that I have certain roles to fulfil and so before I proceed I would like to thank everyone for being here today.  In addition thank you to the ushers who had the very hard job of showing people where to sit today and the bridesmaids who had the very easy job of looking wonderful.

Thanks are also due to:
(Other thanks and absences.)

“Where it began, I can't begin to know it.”
Why am I Jays best man?  I could tell you some stories to explain. I could tell you about being stuck in a hotel room because we couldn't find the door.  I could tell you about the time we were driven into the woods by a communist and Jay returned with only one shoe. I could tell you how I watched Jay sleep on a bar stool for 10 minutes before falling off.  Or I could tell you how Jay made me fall down the stairs 5 times in the space of an hour. I could tell you these things and in fact probably will if you see me later, but right now I'm interested in telling you one story in particular.

“Where it began, I can't begin to know it.”
Well today with the aid of some mental time travel and raconteuring (that's the telling of stories not to be confused with rocketeering which involves using a jet-pack to fight Nazis) I hope to reveal the answer to this question and maybe something more.I first met Jay when he had a summer job with the firm I was working for and so I'd like to tell you about the goods times we had, but to be honest I hated him. To be fair I still do but it's a different sort of hate, one that has aged like a fine wine so that it becomes a pleasure to taste.  Thankfully he soon went on his way and I hoped it was the last I'd seen of the boy with scarlet red hair and a face so hideous that legend claims it's the root cause of every infant's first tears..

We now fast forward a bit to a time when the company was doing well, and the warehouse was too small for the stock we had. This left us with two choices either move to a bigger warehouse or employ a semi articulate monkey to breach heath and safety laws by climbing over the goods and swinging across the rafters.  We found that monkey, but he was too expensive and the zoo would only allow him to work for three days a week and so we took Jay back instead not realising that he too would only actually work for three out of every five days, although he really did accept peanuts. As we worked together we developed a bond much like any Master and his pet. But more than this we became friends and accidentally brothers. That is to say we constantly argued fought and borrowed each others clothes. But alas our brotherhood was not to last as a beautiful yet cruel witch was to enter Jay's life and tear us apart. “Where it began, I can't begin to know it.” 

This statement is obviously less true now than when we started but still more true than accusing our lovely bride of being a witch. However there is still a tale to tell and secrets to reveal. “Do you come here often?” A classic line I hope you agree? Modern techniques may be more clever or less obvious but in many men's arsenal there is no more potent line and like a famous aftershave science has proved that 60% of the time it works every time.   But how could Jay be so shallow? I hear you cry,  HA HA YOU STUPID IDIOTS! It wasn't Jay oh no my beautiful boy would never use this line. DON'T YOU EVEN KNOW THAT!  Laurie what were you thinking?

Tricking a man by turning his own powers against him is not big and not clever, much like Jay himself.  It could obviously have all ended in disaster right there as the infamous line echoed around the Ruislip Conservative Club's Marshall Lounge. Fortunately our hero Jay was just clever enough to come back with a stunning response worthy of Oscar Wilde “Yeah” “I live next door”.  Stunned and slightly embarrassed by his razor sharp wit Laurie became putty in his hands and foolishly agreed to go on a date. But enough of this pair of reprobates as the story once more becomes interesting as I return to offer the boy advice of a romantic nature. “Pete man, I've met a girl! She's so tight, where should I take her?” he asked me. Drawing on all of my vast knowledge and experience I dismissed the cinema as despite the fact Laurie wouldn't see his foul leering monkey like face, conversation would be limited without upsetting the other patrons.

I recall that the weather was not exactly helping as the wind and rain lashed against the warehouse shutter and so as usual we put work aside to concentrate on this conundrum. “The Zoo” I cried in the manner of Sherlock Holmes after sneakily using the Internet for a touch of inspirado, “No wait! It's a first date, too soon to meet your family” but we agreed that if he avoided the great apes things should be OK. “Where it began, I can't begin to know it.” Well I think we can all see where today started, but the fabric of our tale still pours forth from the loom of my mouth for true love travels on a gravel road. Jay and I became fast friends and decided that renting a house together was a great idea.  

I remember him arriving at my parent's house one Saturday so that we could look at flats and I think my Dad's greeting sums up most peoples feelings. “What do you want?.… Quick get in before the neighbours see”.  We found a house and lived together for a year.  During this time we lived like small children let loose in the Wonka factory causing havoc, having fun and generally misbehaving. Alas our romance was not to be as Lauire began to stay and Jay began to visit Laurie, first in Canterbury and then in Newcastle.  Things progressed but their relationship wasn't really going anywhere and eventually the romance seemed to die. And as John Travolta once sang “It grew colder, that's where it ends” Well let me tell you Travolta was wrong, what he sang about a holiday fling the twat!

We're talking about true love and any fan of the Princess Bride will tell you nothing can stop true love! It's inconceivable! And so after a period of drunkenness and despair Jay woke up one morning with the scent of freshly ground coffee in his nostrils.  I feel sure I would have heard him say“I'm bloody well in love” if I were in the room at the time the penny finally dropped, but as I was not allowed in his room and Jay used to lock his door and wedge a chair under the handle to prevent my nocturnal visits we will have to imagine this part. “What do I do?” was in fact the question I was asked.  Putting my vast mental powers to use once more I arrived at the only solution that anyone in my position could. “I dunno”.

“Where it began, I can't begin to know it.”  Well every new beginning is some other new beginnings end and this was the beginning of Jay's new life. He grew up fast and did an immensely brave thing, leaving everything he knew in London to join Laurie in Newcastle.  He did this because he knew it was the only way for them to be together and whatever he lost in the move wasn't worth having if it meant he couldn't be with Laurie. With a new previously unseen maturity Jay has risen through the ranks to be a manger for one of the worlds leading retailers. Soon enough this new chapter in Jays life was underlined by the arrival of Scarlett Rose a treasure and a joy to all who know her.  He has in short become something I would never have thought possible, A role model. I'm not saying he's perfect and to be fair I like it that way because it means that as his honorary big brother I still get the odd phone call looking for advice. Although even these tend to be more about checking that what he's already done is the right thing.  And no you really shouldn't lance boils with the pin on your name badge, even if you did heat the tip with your lighter first. “Where it began, I can't be bothered to go through it all again if you haven't been listening.”“But then I know that it's going strong”  

So congratulations to you both.  Sometimes I miss you till it hurts but you're better here. In all honesty I can't tell you how proud you make me when I see you being a real father to your child and a real husband to Laurie, a wonderful wonderful girl who is so brilliant that if she wasn't real you'd have to make her up. I personally wish you many happy years together and value our friendship immeasurably.  I thank you for the honour of being your best man and look forward to making many more happy memories together. 

And now ladies and gentlemen I ask you all to please stand and raise your glasses in order to toast the happy couple. 

HERES TO LOVE, LAUGHTER AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER,AS JAY & LAURIE START THEIR NEW LIFE LET US TOAST THE NEW HUSBAND & WIFE. 

To the new Mr and Mrs Melhuish, Jay & Laurie.