Speech by Peter Hicks

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Peter Hicks
Speech Date: Sep 2001
Afternoon everyone, firstly, Greenwich council have asked me to request
that, for health and safety reasons, none of you get up on top of the chairs
and tables during my standing ovation.

I'm sure you'll all admit this has turned out to be a brilliant wedding
celebration, yet every silver- lining does have a cloud, and that is,
unfortunately that you've all got to listen to me for a few minutes.

I'd just like to start by thanking everyone on behalf of the Bride and
groom, for sharing their wedding day, although personally I wish you'd all
stayed at home, because things would have been a lot easier on me.

I'd also like to thank you Paul, on behalf of the bridesmaids for your kind
words and also my personal thanks for giving me the opportunity to dress
like Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen and for finally admitting after all these
years that I am the best man.

This book tells you to start all speeches with a joke & I promise I'll start
shortly. It also says that you are the most forgiving audience & you'll
laugh at the lamest joke. Over the next 10 minutes I will be severely
testing this theory.

…I was really nervous before hand, so I prepared a few lines – and having
snorted them I'm feeling pretty good right now…
I didn't think I was going to be that nervous but believe me this is not the
first time today that I've stood up from a warm seat with a bit of paper in
my hand. I think that Paul for all his macho talk has been feeling the same
way too. After following him into the toilet this morning, I had to pull
this out the loo. (brick)!

Anyway a few words about the main man himself:

Paul and I go back some 14 years now, and in that time he has always kept me
and the rest of the lads entertained. He is, and I think most of you that
know him will agree, pretty much your typical lad. During his bachelor day's
he was the only guy I knew that had a pool table in the front room, a
scalectrix in the loft, and 2 fridge's, one for non essentials such as
foodstuffs and the other dedicated purely to chilling the boys beer. I
still think the scalextrix in the loft was just a ruse to watch the girls on
the toilet as the hatch was in the bathroom and whenever they needed to go
you could never get the loft hatch shut as the ladder was in the way.

In fact I guess many of us assumed he would always remain a single man –
certainly that's what he would have you believe, always professing that he
would be the last man standing where marriage was concerned. So it was quite
a surprise when he told me he was getting married.

We may be asking ourselves what Karen sees in Paul, I know I regularly do!
But they say love is blind and marriage is a real eye opener, so I'd like to
say, Paul, you are a lucky man, marrying Karen today. She deserves a good
husband…… unfortunately you got to her before she had a chance to find
one!

Actually, while wondering what to say this afternoon, I couldn't help
thinking that it's funny how history repeats itself. I mean 30 years ago
Karen's family were sending her to bed with a dummy……..here they are
again today.

I was talking to Paul the other day about what he wanted from his marriage,
he said, "well, I want to be a model husband. I want to be a model citizen."
And he added with a large grin that he also wanted to be a model lover!!
Being the naïve chap that I am, I looked up "model" in the dictionary; it
said "a small, miniature replica of the real thing"!!!

Having left school aged 15 Paul spent several years as a motor mechanic
where he developed a keen interest and knowledge of cars. So it was that I
felt in good hands when I bought my first car from him, a little blue
fiesta, which he had restored with some loving care and attention. I'll
never forget the day I picked it up from him, we met around the Pantiles
where the exchange was to take place and he promptly turned up and drove it
into the wall by accident! Well luckily enough it was made of stronger
stuff, after all it had as I found out some months later, already been
written off once! But really, not to take anything away from you Paul, it
did serve me proudly for a while – well at least for a few months until the
engine mounts went, the wings started to fall off and the core plugs blew!

His restoration skills were not left idle in between turning his mates over
as Paul regularly had to tinker with his own cars, particularly his orange
XR3I. Possibly one of his biggest jobs on this came after a weeks holiday
with a pal Steve on the Isle of Wight. They were giving a ride home to two
girls that they'd pulled when Paul, no doubt demonstrating his outstanding
driving ability, had a bit of an upset. The road suddenly chucked a
90degree right which the car, lowered as it was for extra grip, couldn't
quite follow. What happened next was apparently like something out of the
dukes of hazard, as the car and it's four, by this time terrified
passengers, hurtled through a hedge and a fence, whereupon the ground
promptly disappeared from beneath them. So wheels spinning and engine and
occupants screaming they flew through the air into a corn- field! Luckily no
one was injured but they now couldn't see any further than the windscreen as
the corn was due for harvesting and so was actually taller than the car
itself! Once they had calmed the girls down in the back, Steve had to act
as PJ's periscope by standing on his seat with his head out of the sunroof
hastily directing them out of the field before the farmer arrived with his
shotgun and a large bill!

I could go on about his car antics for some considerable time yet, but we
haven't got all day and it suffices to say that he has mellowed ever so
slightly in his old age. The worst he seems to get up to now is filling up
the works car with petrol instead of diesel, much to the amusement of his
colleagues, but not his boss.

Perhaps instead I should mention how, one Saturday, after a long night on
the tiles, Paul and Neil decided to surprise Karen and clean her fish tank.
Leaving the somewhat terrified fish in there they drained about 90% of the
water out and Paul gave the sides a good scrape and scrub to get the algae
off. They soon finished their task and having filled it back up with fresh
water, retired to the living room to congratulate one another on a job well
done. Unfortunately it wasn't long before the sediment they'd stirred up
began to settle again revealing that Paul had somehow managed to bludgeon to
death one of Karen's prized fish!

Following his stint as a mechanic Paul decide the way forward for him
was in computers and so he soon blagged his way into a small insurance co in
the west end, where despite having no experience he became responsible for
the maintenance of their computer systems. Following 6 happy years of
reading the paper and dossing around there he moved on, and after a hop skip
and a jump through various other high tech jobs he ended up establishing and
running the computer support desk at a major US investment bank. Indeed such
was his dedication to the job here that you'd often find him in the office
at weekends. I'm not sure, though if his boss realised that most times he'd
completed the work during the week and would therefore use the time to fall
asleep at his desk, TV on, recovering from a hangover and letting the
overtime roll in! Anyhow after 4 successful years and one ill timed email
Paul decided the time was ripe to move on again to pastures new. His
success continues however and he now works as a contractor at the head
office of the Woolwich looking after 17 IT staff who together support 2500
employees.

Now I wasn't going to mention the stag week at all today, because I do
generally adhere to the view that what goes on tour should really stay on
tour – but certain things that Paul got up to, I feel Karen, and indeed
everyone else here should know about. …….Paul ….likes ….wearing
…..women's.… clothes (produce extra large pic of Paul on stag week in
his dress)

A few words about the bride:

Most of you would not normally think of Paul as the gullible type, so it was
surprising that he fell for the old "I'm decorating my house can I stay for
a few weeks" ruse from Karen. But, being the generous guy that he is, he
decided it would be ok "just whilst the work was being carried out. My
advice to you lot is not to use the same firm of builders as they obviously
didn't get the job finished…..3 years later she still hadn't moved back!
Although in my opinion that was the best thing that could've happened to
Paul, believe me I've seen him try to iron a shirt!

But seriously Paul, that decision you took all those years ago was the
wisest thing you ever did. In marrying Karen today, you've got someone who's
beautiful, charming, smart, funny, loving and caring. And Karen, you've got
… Well… you've got Paul……………

One of Karen's strengths is definitely her understanding and tolerance of
Paul's laddish ways. She has allowed the pool table to remain in the front
room and in fact even went as far as getting it recovered as part of Paul's
Xmas present. Sadly the Scalextrix is not in the loft yet but I'm sure
Paul's working on that,… and true there is only one fridge now but,
considering it's almost the size of a shed, it holds more than enough beers
for the lads – in fact it even has room for a couple of bottles of wine for
Karen!

Now I'm not suggesting Karen has a drink problem, but earlier this year I
started collecting corks from parties that Sue and I had had and throwing
them in a vase. Karen noticed this one day, and so, thoughtful as ever she
started collecting hers for me. Well here's mine (small vase)……and
here's Karen's (2 large see through bags full). (Point to second one)This
being her last months her last months contributions!!!

Now just before I finish I believe it is customary to give a few words of
wisdom. Not being married myself though, I sought the advice of happily
married couples – alas I found none! But I did come across the following
advice:

To Karen, and this is rather apt, knowing as we now your penchant for a
glass of wine:

…..men are like a fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your
job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something you would
like to have dinner with.

That said though Paul, I'm told women are also like a fine wine. They start
out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full bodied
with age until they go all sour and vinegary, which inevitably gives you a
headache.

In all seriousness though Paul, it has been a great honour to have been your
best man here today, but more importantly to have known you as a true
friend of yours over the last 14 years. I sincerely wish you the happiest of
marriages and may our friendship continue for many years to come.

I started planning this speech a few weeks ago.… & it must feel like I've
been delivering it that long. So it gives me immense pleasure, not to
mention relief, to invite you all – well those who still can – to stand.

Ladies and gentlemen, Paul and Karen!!