Speech by Peter Kinney

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Peter Kinney
Speech Date: oct 2002
To start let me set the scene..…

I (the best Man) am English living in Scotland. The Groom is Scottish and the Bride is English, also living in Scotland. The Groom and myself are wearing kilts. The reception is half Scottish and half English.

Good afternoon I'd just like to start by saying that this must be the most nerve racking experience of my life…..So when I get Married again ….No…I mean…IF I ever get married again, you're being my best man. I suppose being asked to be the Best Man is a bit like playing football for Scotland….It's a great honour, but nobody wants to do it.

Now his is a firmly politically-correct wedding, and for the record, I am NOT John's ‘Best Man’, I am John's [Knowledgeable Neutral Observing Babbler] or KNOB, for short.

And so – as John's [KNOB] – I encourage you all to enjoy yourselves in a politically correct manner – nowadays everyone has the right to get really, really drunk, sing along badly and loudly, and dance with anyone. In fact it is insisted upon.

John, It's a great honour to be your Best Man – er, I mean, [KNOB], and I get to wear the latest politically-correct attire – a hairy skirt….and this lovely hairy handbag….so positioned as to cause the maximum of chaffing to that most impressive of parts.
Cheers, John!…..… So If anyone has got any ‘Vasoline’ on them, could they please see me later……
I forgot to put mine in this hairy thing earlier on.

Which reminds me, aren't the bridesmaids absolutely beautiful?…..Now I know what you're thinking, but you'd be wrong. It's apparently quite difficult to pout, look pretty, and hold flowers all at the same time, especially for half an hour, and I'm sure you'll agree they've performed their role splendidly. Actually, prior to the service, there was a really touching scene where the two bridesmaids were having a little bit of a punch-up, over who's gonna get to dance with John's [KNOB] first!

Normally, the [KNOB], would talk about life at school with John. But I didn't know John at school. However, I have been told his nickname. Many of you won't know this but John's nickname at school was ‘The Fox’.
So your probably thinking it was because; he's athletic, he's fast, he's toned, he's cunning,
But in fact it's because all the girls that chased him……… were dogs!

One of my duties as John's [KNOB) is to make sure he gets to the church on time and in one piece. So last night I stayed over at John's house, and I can now reveal that surprisingly, John slept like a baby….He woke up every hour crying, and wanting his mummy.

I remember the first time I met John: I was working on a building site at the time, and decided to go to the Gent's toilet…and in there was this good looking guy – half naked showing his toned body, preening himself in front of a mirror, shaking his toosh and singing in a high-pitched wine.

Next to him was John!

Now we all now John's a bit of a shy introvert! So within a few minutes he's telling us all he's a model. To which we replied Boll…! No way! Can I just say at this point, Is there anyone here that doesn't know that John's BEEN a model? It just may be possible that John hasn't told someone..… No, thought not!
So anyway, he says he's ‘got a portfolio’ of his modelling and he'll bring it in. Having looked through it, it was bloody amazing just how close John was to being the new face of Pedigree chum.
[Turn to John] If it wasn't for that bloody poodle! What was his name…Butch?

Anyway, that was us – working with John the model – and every evening, just before he went home from work, he'd change into his Mod-el gear, and set off on a modelling assignment.

‘What a complete……well I can't say what we thought….what THEY thought, that is…, and it was only when John turned up with free lager samples and free tee-shirts, that everyone agreed he was a thoroughly sound bloke after all!

For a while my boss thought John modelled as a shop window dummy!

By the way – isn't it funny how history repeats itself? 28 years ago Alex's mum and dad were putting her to bed with a dummy – and now it's happening all over again!

The day after John started this contract, he began seeing Alex, and she was his third favourite subject..… after himself and cricket. I remember he used to say ‘Oh if only she could bowl…’.

I was speaking to some of John's work colleagues earlier, and I happened to asked them what they thought of John, and I have to say I was pleasantly surprised to hear, that they consider him to be a God–like figure…..as he's rarely seen, he's holier than thou and if he ever does any work it's a bloody miracle.

Having spoken to John about today. He wants everyone to know just how important today really is for him – he told me that it has to be the SECOND best day of his whole life!

Now I know what you're thinking…he must be referring to the birth of his beautiful baby daughter, Jodie…

But no, I'm sorry to say, he's talking about May 2000 – against the Royal High Stewarts Melville when he got 192 not out for Stenhousemuir's first team (which to date is the single highest individual score for the club)!

I don't know if anyone knows, but John fancies himself as a bit of a singer. Last Christmas, we had a fancy dress night at my house, (turning to my wife) our house, your house dear….so it's a good job you didn't go like that John, you would have won!
Anyway, I have a Karaoke machine, and prior to this, John says to me, ‘I'm not a bad singer me you know’, so I'm thinking to myself ‘why does that NOT surprise me’ Now, after everyone's had I few drinks I put it on, and slowly people start to get up. By this time John's tugging at my shirt, ‘Pete, Pete, Put mine on’. So I have to put on ‘Summer Loving’ For John, and John, to sing. Because he has to sing both bits, John is John Travolta and Olivia Newton John. Well,… I've never laughed as much in my life. So when he finishes, he's straight over…’what do you think eh? What do you think?’
Now, you know them times when you just have to say a little white lie, it's like when girls get there hair cut. No girl ever says to another girl ‘ooh your hair's crap’, well not to their face away! It's always;
Ooh! I like your hair!…So, I'm there with my best ‘snile’ not a smile, but a ‘snile’ (false smile on my face) and say ‘yeah that was really good that mate, but thinking that was bloody awful!

What can I say about Alex? Alex is one of those people who always look's presentable. Not first thing in the morning mind you. That can be a bit scary. She's always polite and has that wonderful, warm smile. Especially when she's drunk! For our son's 1st Birthday, we had a party and invited some family and friends, including Alex and John. Now, about an hour or so into the party, Alex develops her big smile. Because she was trolleyed! Alex was sat next to Sharon's Mum and she constantly stared at her saying ‘Your lovely’. Don't get me wrong, Sharon's mum loved the attention, but after a dozen or so of ‘Your Lovely’ She started to freak out a little. So after a few more ‘Your lovely's’ John decided it was a good idea to carry her home, because she wasn't capable of walking. Seriously now, Alex is one of the nicest people I have ever had the good fortune to meet. I'm sure everyone agrees that she's a wonderful mother to Josh, Sam and Jodie.

So just what did Alex see in this big nancy boy anyway? Was it his dashing good-looks? [Shake head] Was it his trained singing voice? [Shake head] Was it his athletic physique – a body honed by long arduous hours of cricketing, modelling, computer games, curries, and beer?…….I suppose we'll never really know for sure.

Ahh! – But John did give me a tip once – he told me a secret that eventually lead me to get married myself. He said that there are several specialist mechanical devices available, that increase female sexual arousal.
Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz Convertible..

I'd like to thank John for that advice, and would like to take this opportunity to wish you both a long and happy marriage with many happy and fulfilled years to come. I also trust you have a wonderful honeymoon on your Mediterranean cruise…relax and enjoy yourselves – the only time to start worrying is if the band starts playing the theme to ‘Titanic’…

Now remember that there are three types of sex in a marriage; all over the house sex, bedroom sex, and hallway sex. All over the house sex occurs in the first year or so of marriage. It's when you'll do it anytime, anywhere, in any position for any reason. Bedroom sex develops later, and is when you have sex on a Saturday night in the bedroom (If you're lucky!). Hallway sex is in the later stages of a marriage. This is when you pass each other in the hallway and scream ‘screw you!’.

If I may, I'd like to give you a final thought for today. It is that ‘sex is a beautiful thing between two people…… Between five, it's fantastic.’

Just before I proceed with the cards, I'd like to share with Alex and the rest you the meaning of the name Owens. There's a website on the net that gives the name and their meanings. So I typed in Owens and it said: Wise, athletic, generous & funny.
Then I typed in John and it said: NOT VERY!

I'd now like to read some cards from absent friends and relatives:

To John & Alex – congratulations on your marriage and may it be as successful as mine…
from Elizabeth Taylor.

Dear John, We hope you have a wonderful day, and night,
from all at Madame Thrashards spanking Emporium.

To Mr & Mrs Owens…congratulations and Good Luck for the future, lots of love and best wishes from Bill and Mary Farkin – and the whole Farkin family.

This one's addressed to John…John, I miss your muscular arms, your beautifully toned body and I will never forget our intimate nights by the pool..… thanks for everything
Lots of Love…..Michael Barrymore.

TOAST
Now ladies and gentleman, it gives me immense pleasure, to finish off with a toast to the new Bride and Groom. So if you would be so kind, as to be upstanding,…

To Alex and John … “May you share many warm days and many warm nights… "everybody raise your glass… to Alex and John, the Bride and Groom”