Speech by Peter Searle

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Peter Searle
Speech Date: Jun2007
May I start by congratulating the happy couple and to say how lovely Karen looks.
I'd also like to congratulate Paul on a truly magnificent speech, I always knew it would be hard to follow, and I was right, I could hardly follow a word of it.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank Clive &amp Jen for the wonderful hospitality they have shown today.

I'd also like to thank the bridesmaids Courtney, Ashleigh, Danika, and Maddison who look lovely and the 2 ushers Christian &amp Josh who look very smart – they have all done a fantastic job today and deserve a round of applause.

I know Paul is nervous about what I might say, so to relax him, I'm going to incorporate my speech with the most precious card in his wallet, his Gala Bingo membership card. That's right ladies and gentlemen, we are going to play Bingo.
You should all have a bingo card in front of you and a pen. During the speech, I shall be mentioning different dates and numbers etc relating to Paul's life. Listen out for these and mark them off on your card. We are playing for a full house and a mystery prize, so eyes down, and off we go.

I'm very honoured to be Pauls Best Man and I will now do my best to give Paul the most uncomfortable few minutes of his life. Which, to be fair, is what he gives Karen every-time they go to bed.
Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised Paul and Karen that if there is anything slightly risqu&#233, I'll whip it out immediately

Now, I didn't know Paul when he was a nipper, but apparently he was a slow starter. [pause] At Playschool Paul was different from all the other 5 year olds [pause] he was 11. Just in case you missed it, 5 and 11 were the first numbers.

I first met Paul at school in 19?6, , when we were both 13.

Since then he has gone through different phases in his life. Firstly there was eating most of a loaf of bread with Marmite. Everyday day. Then there was chocolate milkshakes. Now it's Costa Coffee, and it must be a Costa. As if Fidget Must skate needs caffeine to add to his already inability to stand still for longer than a 2 seconds.

As teenagers, we were very much into rock n roll and were big fans of Guns N Roses. I think it was 91 at the age of 18 we went to see the get in the ring tour at Wembley. Dressed in black with our long hair we headed off to the Stadium. Downing a small bottle of Whiskey before the concert, Paul and Christian managed to get a hang over before the band even came on stage. So rock n roll guys.

Then there was Paul's nans old flat which we used to call The Joint. We used to throw some great parties there, with great preparation from our good selves. We made sure there was a stereo…..…
At every party you could guarantee Paul would get very drunk and be falling about all over the place….then at 8pm everybody else would start to arrive.
He'd be dressed in his trademark tight ‘purple’ cords that he wore 24/7, he would wear them whatever
the occasion. [pause] In fact, he would probably be wearing them here today if they hadn't eventually fallen apart. [pause]

It is fair to say, and I know all his mates will back me up, Paul is a light weight when it comes to booze.
He's always the fastest at finding his way out of clubs. Usually with a bouncer attached to his collar.
Our favourite haunt was the Venue in New Cross. All the boys would head off after a few cheeky bevies ready for a night of snake bite and black and dodgy music. As soon as we'd arrive, Paul would acquire roller-skates. He'd be off. Weaving through the crowds, bopping up and down, with 1 finger in the air. Our very own John Travolta on wheels.
Then there's the accidents. You could bet 50 quid Paul would knock somebody's drink over within the first 30 minutes, drunk or not. We could be in a club, having a coffee at somebody's house, anywhere. Because of this, and to save peoples carpets from spillages, I've bought you a glass with a round bottom, which should wobble like a weeble and not tip over. But in case you manage to break it, I've got you another.

On Paul's 20th Birthday, Paul, Christian and I went to Swanage and spent the weekend at Pauls dads caravan. For those of you who don't know Swanage, it's a lovely place by the coast. Whenever Paul visits the beach he has a habit of walking to the seas edge, cupping his hands, getting a small amount of water and wetting the front of his hair. Of course, nowadays he just he just stands by the seas edge.

As a Birthday treat, we promised Paul that by the end of the day he would end up butt naked, with his hands bound. Paul took it upon himself to believe that meant a little kinky fun with a local. We had other ideas. We wrestled him to the floor outside the caravan, tied his hand and feet with pink bed sheets, whipped his trackies down and left him there, butt in the air for around half an hour screaming like a girl, which brings me swiftly on to the stag do.

I won't go into too much detail, but due to his John Travolta impersonations, we got Paul a nice white 70s style Saturday night fever suit. I thought this was fair as the only thing Paul asked us not to do was dress him as a woman. I can't understand why, the last time he dressed as a lady he seemed to enjoy himself. He even borrowed a bra from my mum….by the way Paul, my mum says can she have it back please. I also recently found out that he's taken to wearing Karen's lilac pyjamas, but not just that, he now keeps them in his drawer and has taken ownership of them. So you could say that this little gift is for Karen's sake. You can give your new wife her PJ's back, as you now own your very own pink pyjamas.

Paul and Karen have finally got married, for better or worse [pause]
This is quite appropriate, as Paul couldn't have done any better and Karen couldn't have done any worse. You are getting on a bit Paul. 34 this year.

Karen and Paul should shout BINGO!!

I do have to say how lucky you are Paul. You will leave here having gained a wife that is warm, loving and caring. [pause]

And Karen [pause] how lucky you are as well [pause] you leave today having gained a .
[pause] Gorgeous dress and a lovely bouquet of flowers. [pause]

Being a married man myself I have 2 bits of advice.

Paul , just remember it only takes a couple of words mumbled in church and you're married. But it only takes a couple of words mumbled in your SLEEP and you're divorced!

And Karen. Remember, a husband is like a tiled floor [pause] lay it right first time and you can spend years walking all over it. [pause]

Joking aside now, I would like to say how generous Paul is. He is always willing to help you out. Nothing is ever too much for him. He has a kind heart, easy going and always up for a laugh, and his generosity at the bar is second to none. He's a loving father to Maddison, who I am proud to say is my God daughter, and now I'm sure he will make a great husband to Karen

You only have to look at Maddison to realise how lucky Paul is and
I am sure that having 2 beautiful girls in his life brings him a lot of
happiness.

HERES TO LOVE, LAUGHTER,
AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER,
AS Paul and Karen START THEIR NEW LIFE,
PLEASE STAND &amp TOAST THE NEW HUSBAND &amp WIFE.
Paul and Karen
Mr &amp Mrs Muscat