Speech by Peter Shore

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Peter Shore
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Ladies and Gentleman………..FORNICATION! Pause…… look down.… ‘Oh, sorry’. For an OCCASION Like this I believe it's customary to say a few words of thanks.
Firstly, on behalf of the Bridesmaid, I'd like to thank John and John for their kind words. I must say that Alison has done an excellent job today in getting Deborah to the church on time. It's been a wonderful day and a very emotional wedding – even the cake's in tears!
Before I launch into my traditional character assassination of the groom, I think we all agree that Deborah looks absolutely sensational today. Pause. John, I think you've done extremely well in marrying Deborah. You've got someone who's beautiful, charming, smart, funny, loving and caring. And Deborah, you've got John. What can I say?
About 6 months ago John asked me to be his best man, as we were slumped over a few beers in our local Pub, the Stratford Haven. At the time the wedding seemed so far away I was totally happy to accept. And here I am now. I must confess this is a nerve wracking experience. I can also assure you this isn't the first time I've stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.
John Edward Hickman, or, as he is known to Deborah, ‘Baby Boy’. Born on 13th February 1965, which according to Chinese Astrology makes him a snake. 1965 was also the year that Ford Motor Company went onto a 3 day working week. The Guys at Gas Containers will tell you that John maintains this rule, not to mention the very long lunches.
When I first met John 13 long and ardous years ago it was through playing squash at Redhill. John then started playing in Keyworth, at the Key Squash Club. He told me that he joined the club as a ‘Country Member’, to which I replied, ‘Yes, I do remember’. Our love of squash soon blossomed into more important subjects such as: beer, curry and nightclubs. Not always at the same time.
John has always had an eye for the ladies. Just one eye, actually. And when he would say to me ‘Pete – I don't fancy yours much’ I knew there could be trouble ahead. John had extreme difficulty in finishing one relationship before starting the next. Infact it's never happened. Sunday mornings were often memorable for me when the phone rang at quarter past eight, with John saying ‘Pete – If anybody asks I stayed at yours last night’. Presumably on the sofa!

It hasn't always been all plain sailing for John, though. I can recall one occasion in Pieces Nightclub when he was trying very hard with a friend of my then girlfriend. Try as he might, this young lady (Jo was her name) wouldn't succumb to the wily charms of John Hickman. When I saw Jo the next day, being led by her Labrador guide dog down the road, I really had to wonder exactly what John had said to her. John seemed to forget the incident quite quickly. I know it sounds unbelievable, but I swear that's a true story.
Digressing slightly, I'm sure you've all heard of GMT – Greenwich Mean Time. And also BST – British Summer Time. But how many people here have heard of JHT? Pause..… This stands for ‘John Hickman Time’ and usually runs about 25 minutes behind everybody else. How many of you here have been waiting patiently for John only to find him bumbling along later muttering how bad the traffic is? I have also heard that John's previous nickname was ‘Everlast’ – not for his bedroom skills I'm sure. I'll talk to Debs later about that.

About 3 years ago John was staring at his business card and realised that something was missing from his life – qualifications. John emerged from School with the bare minimum and went to work in a factory – where he still works. Although near the top John is still climbing the ladder. John recently decided to miss out all the in-between educational requirements and go straight to University. When I used to ask John exactly what course he was on, he was so vague that I eventually gave up asking.
So please feel free to ask him yourselves later.

Just a few words about the Stag Events.

8 of us spent a long weekend in Lisbon. It was a combination of large amounts of alcohol, food and paracetamol. The only girls John met were 2 brides-to-be on their respective hen parties – one of them stole his Viking Hat but luckily left him intact with his fake chest and moustache. One of the signs of the average age of the stag party is that we were much more concerned with eating than chasing the opposite sex. Honest! A special thanks to Gas Containers for paying for the wonderful evening meal …and also the Lap Dancing Club.

Last week we had a Nottingham Stag event, ending up in the Palais – once we were in the nightclub there was no stopping John, straight onto the dance floor, rhythm and style being of little importance. John had turned up earlier carrying his mobile phone – my words of ‘you'll lose that’ were ringing true at 3 in the morning when John and his mobile phone had parted company for ever. Last night we had a meal and a few pints in the Pub, followed by more Lap Dancing. And today we had a couple of beers. A pint of Dutch Courage for John……..and 2 for me.
Just a quick word about John and foreign holidays. John is fairly unusual in the respect that you may go on holiday with him only to find him disappearing for up to 3 days. Or, according to Matt Edwards, for the whole week! Happily he always returns, wearing the same clothes and looking a little dishevelled.
And finally, Ladies and gentlemen, a few words for John and Deborah. May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old-fashioned enough to last forever. Can you all please stand and join me in a toast. It gives me immense pleasure, not to mention great relief, to ask you to join me in a toast. The toast is to ‘the bride and groom’.
We have a second toast, to thank the special people who are the reason we are all here today and who will make both this afternoon and tonight special in all our hearts. To the ‘bar staff’.
So to round up then, I'd like to thank you all for your attention and laughing in the right places, and let me just say that if you've enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I enjoyed making it, then all I can do is apologise most sincerely.
Thank you very much.