Speech by Peter Sutherland

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Peter Sutherland
Speech Date: Jul 2002
Folks, a wedding is a special day for all kinds of reasons. It can be a great chance to have a drink or two. It can be a great opportunity for single people to meet one another. It can be great chance to buy a new outfit. And, of course, it offers the Best Man the undivided attention of a room full of people when he's had a glass or two of the good stuff. It's been said that doing the best mans speech is like being asked to make love to the Queen,… it's a great honour but nobody wants to do it.
So I think I should honour the opportunity by saying the things that must be said. Those things are, of course, these:

Number one: Melissa, you make a beautiful bride. Number two; I would just like to thank the Brides Maids for firstly performing their role so gracefully, and for looking fantastic throughout the day. I'd also like to congratulate them for doing such a great job in making sure that Melissa went against her better judgment and didn't change her mind.

I would also like to thank Mark, for asking me to be his best man, and of course Melissa………… for letting him.
I know she's nervous about the content of my speech but there is nothing to worry about. I must confess this is a bit nerve-racking for me also and I can truthfully say that this is about the 4th time today I ‘ve stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

I have taken the job of being best man seriously and a few of my jobs were..… to make sure Mark got to the Service on time, which he was, that he was well dressed and looking smart which I'm sure you will agree he is, and he got a good nights sleep last night, and I'm pleased to report he slept like a baby….he woke up every half hour crying for his mum.

It's good to see the weather is better than Mark predicated for today after all he did say many times it would be a cold day the day he got married especially in hell

Sitting down to write this speech was a daunting task. Where to begin? What to say? I've known Mark for nearly twenty years now, although my liver swears it's forty. However it wasn't until we both left school we became really good friends.

So there was a time when I didn't know Mark to well so I got some inside information from family and friends.

31 years ago this September, a truly wonderful event took place. No 1 was Band Of Gold. This date also saw the birth of Mark francis Sutton, one of the many names he's been called over the years. Other choice ones I can't tell you, as this is a family occasion!

He tells me that he was exceptionally gifted, and very popular at school …

And the reports I ‘ve had from our old school, tell a similar story And apparently, ‘Mark was an ideal pupil who excelled at most subjects’.

Ooops, sorry that should be, ‘Mark was an idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects.’

Here we have some examples

Geography
Mark is the only one in the class who thinks Ellesmere Port is a fine table wine.
Biology
Whilst Mark is often enthusiastic he took it a little too far by revising for his blood test.
Religious Education
Mark's understanding of Christianity is very limited, so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.
Technical Drawing
Mark has always been a willing student but will always have trouble distinguishing between Inches and millimetres.

On leaving school
His teens years can be defined as several years of drinking, throwing up, and sleeping in the toilet cuddling up to the bowl…something he still hasn't grown out of yet.

During my research into Mark's past I tried to get in touch with some of his ex-girlfriends to see if any of them would like to send Melissa a sympathy card. But it appears that since the outbreak of foot and mouth, Most of them have been shot, or are still in quarantine.

Now of course, I'm not the only person in this room that Mark knows well. In fact, this place is stuffed with people that have an opinion on the guy. So, I thought it would be a nice idea to find out what some of you others think of the groom, and share you're thoughts at his wedding. Over the last few weeks I've been approaching his friends and this is what just a few of you said.

Holmesy, Marks Boss, said, ‘Working with Mark is like working with a God. He's rarely seen, he's holier than thou and if he does any work it's a bloody miracle.’

Unfortunately, Mark has also been described as arrogant, insensitive and selfish. And let's face it; if anyone should know him it is his Mum.

I was speaking to Melissa's father earlier and he was remarking on how fast children grow up nowadays? He said that when Melissa was a toddler, he remembers sending her to bed with a dummy – funny how history repeats itself…

Whilst speaking to these people I tried to gather some advice on what people thought were the ingredients to a long and happy marriage so here are a few.

Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss…and then do everything as Melissa says!

Secondly, never be afraid that Melissa will leave you – she's spent time training you already, she's not going to throw that away lightly!

Thirdly, never forget to say those 3 little words every day for the rest of your life – “YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR!”

Whenever you're wrong, be a man and admit it…
Whenever you're right, just “SAY nothing!”

As they say a man who gives in when he is wrong is a wise man. A man who gives in when he is right is married.

For Melissa I have the following advice – men are like a fine wine – they start out like grapes and its your job to stamp on them until they mature into something you'd like to have to have dinner with!
On the other hand, Melissa, women are also like a fine wine – they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating for the mind. And then they turn full-bodied until they go vinegary and they give you a headache!

Finally, It is important to get on with the mother in law. I didn't speak to mine for 2 years. Not cause I didn't like her it's just I didn't want to interrupt her.

Looking forward to the disco later, where knowing Mark's diverse, varied taste in music, they'll be playing any number of U2 songs, from any U2 album.

Telegrams / cards

Before I finish there was one last thing I wanted to share with you and it's a passage I thought would be a nice finish for my speech today.

This is Your wedding day, Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why.
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you have the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still-frames in your mind.
Hang it on the shelf of good health and good time.
Tattoos of the memories of walking down the aisle.
For what it's worth, it was worth all the while.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you have the time of your life.

Now, if you could join me in a toast to some very important people, without who today just wouldn't be the same. I'm sure all of us at some point will huffle past them and exchange a few kind words. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to raise your glasses and say a toast……………..to the bar staff.

And I suppose we better not forget the new Mrs & Mrs Sutton.

If you would all like to stand again and raise your glasses and join me in a toast.
WISHING THEM A LONG AND HAPPY MARRIAGE TO Mark And Melissa.

I'd like to finish by thanking you for laughing at some of my jokes, and I hope you all have a
brilliant time the rest of the day. Right that's me done I'm off to see if the Queens available.