Speech by Peter

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Peter
Speech Date: 03/06/2010 09:18:15

INTRO

Well Nathan, I hope you made the most of your speech… now you're a married man that'll be the last time you get to speak for 3 minutes without being interrupted!

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen!

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Peter, and as you have probably guessed I am Nathan's Best Man…

In preparing for today I was worried about how long this speech should be, but I've been told that it should only last as long as the groom takes to perform his martial duties on his wedding night……(look at watch) and I think I've over-run already so thank you all for coming and good night…!!! (sit down)

(PAUSE… WAIT FOR LAUGH)

Seriously though and more importantly, I'd like to start off by congratulating the happy couple. And anyone who has been lucky enough to spend time in their company, know what a great couple they are.

I'd like to thank Nathan on behalf of the Maid of Honour Clare and bridesmaid Carolynne for his kind words. I think you'll agree they have done a great job today and look fantastic..… They are of course only outshone by Judith, who I think you'll all agree looks absolutely stunning.

I would also like to thank my assistants Richard, Brian and Chris.  And of course a special thank you for xxxxx, the flower girl, looking great and doing a marvelous job.

And as for me… well, I think there's no doubt that my role as best man is going better than expected already!!!

Starting with last night, It was my duty to make sure that on Nathan's last night of freedom, he was put to bed safety ………………………..

and not on the FERRY to Stranraer!!!!!

Well I can assure you all that he was in bed nice and early and slept like a baby………………

He wet the bed twice and woke up crying for his mother!!!!!

ABOUT NATHAN

The first thing a best man is supposed to do in his speech is let everybody from the bride's side know what sort of man Judith has married.  And knowing him for over 13 years I think I am well placed….

Ok here goes (PULL OUT WRITTEN PAGE) … Nathan is intelligent, funny, trust worthy, generous, successful, suave… [SHOW NATHAN] Suave ??… sorry mate, I don't think that's how you spell suave. (PAUSE… WAIT FOR LAUGH) Well you get the idea ..… he's a decent bloke.  (PAUSE… WAIT FOR LAUGH)

Of course it's traditional for the best man to tell witty anecdotes about the groom, something that gives an insight into his character. 

Well, for those of you that are expecting stories about teenage drinking, outrageous behaviour, traffic cone theft, dodgy disco dancing and womanising… I'm very sorry to disappoint… you're not going to get any in this speech!…

I am a loyal friend and wouldn't want to ruin his impeccable reputation. However, loyalty can be easily bought for a few pints of Guinness, so catch at the bar later and I may divulge a few stories!!!

ADVICE

Now traditionally I have to offer Nathan some advice.

After being married for 9 months, 6 days and (LOOK AT WATCH) 5 hours and TWENNNNNTY minutes, I can WARN, sorry… I mean, ADVISE with authority:

1. Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's the boss… then do everything SHE says!

2. The best way to REMEMBER any sort of important date is to FORGET it once.

3. AND To help the course of true love run smooth, never forget those three very important words (AND THE MARRIED MEN IN THE ROOM WILL AGREE WITH ME ON THIS ONE).. ‘YOUR RIGHT DEAR’

And Nathan one last piece of advice… just remember it only takes a couple of words mumbled during the CEREMONY and you're married… But it only takes a couple of words mumbled in your SLEEP and you're divorced!   (PAUSE FOR LAUGH)  Believe me… they hear everything!

But… being the computer nerd that Nathan is, I believe that he should be well prepared for marriage.… since wives are a lot like computers.

For example:

–          No one but their creator understands their internal logic

–          The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else

–          Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval

–          As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories

–          And heres a nice one.… after a while, you simply cannot do without both: your computers and your woman

STAG
No best man's speech would be complete without a mention of the stag night. Now, not content with just a single night of drunken debauchery… Nathan insisted we stretch the occasion over an entire weekend.

Now, as many of you will no doubt know, the law of the stag states that whatever happens on the stag, stays on the stag. Nathan can feel safe in the knowledge that I'm not going to say a word. In fact PAUSE Nathan's solicitor has insisted on it, at least until after the court case!!!!  (PAUSE… WAIT FOR LAUGH)  

Nathan- you'll be glad to know that I've been contacted by the USPCA and they have told me that the Puffins on Rathlin Island are going to make a full recovery!!!!!!

How am I doing so far Nathan?

I have to ask that as he did say that if I did a good job today then I can be the best man at his NEXT wedding. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

One last thing…

And finally… Everyone, as you will probably know Nathan and Judith have taken the old fashioned, traditional, route to marriage in that they haven't been living in sin for many years and plan to live together properly after today. 

Very admirable! 

(HAND HIM PACKAGE).   This is a gift from me, theres 3 of them… and it should stop the unwelcome pitter patter of tiny feet.  Nathan, if you want to open it……

See, what were you thinking it was everyone?! 

TOAST

(LOOK AT NATHAN) Joking aside, Nathan…, you have been a great friend over the years and I know how happy Judith makes you…it truly is a great honour to be your best man….so, Thank you.

So then, Ladies and gentlemen/boys and girls, it gives me immense pleasure (not to mention relief,!) to invite you all to be upstanding and raise your glasses in a toast to the new Mr and Mrs Boal.

(PAUSE FOR GUESTS TO STAND UP)

We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

‘NATHAN & JUDITH’

Thank you everybody, and I hope you enjoy the rest of today and this evening.