Speech by Phil Bellamy

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Phil Bellamy
Speech Date: Jul2007
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen.

To put my nerves about speaking here today into perspective, this is the 5th time this afternoon that I have risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand!

However, I can take some comfort from the fact I have already rehearsed this speech in front of a near live audience at the local old peoples home…

I think it went down well…

They all pissed themselves anyway!

I would like to start by thanking Mark for his kind words on behalf of our bridesmaids.

I'm sure you will agree they all look lovely.
I think you will also agree that Anna looks like one in a million today..…

…….as opposed to Cash who looks like he was won in a raffle.
We should also thank the ushers…… for at least turning up relatively sober.

Finally I'd like to thank everyone here for attending.
It amazes me how far people will travel for a free meal and some complimentary booze.

For those of you who don't know me, my names Phil or Bells as I am often referred to.

I've had the fortune of knowing Cash for over 18 years, after becoming work mates at DAS insurance.

Being the highly motivated go-getters we are, neither of us has bothered to get a proper job yet, and as such we are still stuck working together.

I was thinking the other day, how far we have come over the last 18 years since we had our first beer together in the coliseum pub on Redcliff hill.

Unfortunately the answer is only about 400 yards, as we now have our beer in the Shakespeare pub, which is literally just down the road.

Traditionally the best mans speech is the one the groom dreads the most apart from his own of course However, on this occasion Cash is going to get an easy ride, due to our roll reversals in just a couple of months time, when he will be my best man.

So before I begin I will put your mid at ease by confirming I wont be mentioning any of the following:

…your ex girlfriends,
…your dating agency membership,
…your Justin Lee Collins accent,
…your bright yellow Polo car,
or the infamous curry house whisky incident in Weston Super Mare.

Nor will I be mentioning

…Our yogurt pot theory on relationships
…The time you got thrown out of a nightclub,
…The time you nearly got arrested outside your own home,
…Or when you drove into the back of a stationery car.

…And as for the excessive drinking, gambling, drug taking and pornography habits, my lips are sealed.

Some of you may know that I was there the night Cash met his beautiful new bride.

Cash and I were in a certain nightclub in Bristol called “Studios” when he noticed the object of his desire. A vision of beauty: with eyes that sparkled, teeth that gleamed, legs up to here and a nice pert butt. So Cash approached his target and enquired, &quotMay I have the next dance?&quot Sadly for him I turned him down, so he went off and danced with Anna instead.

Now I know Cash feels very lucky to be marrying Anna, but I think Anna should also consider herself a very lucky girl for catching herself a man like Cash.

Let's examine a few key qualities

1. His keen sense of direction – Who can forget the time he managed to drive the wrong way down a dual carriageway in Torquay. Or the time we were all sat on a train bound for Birmingham when we were trying to get to Bournemouth.

2. His dress sense – Being colour blind is no excuse for years of dressing in black, with an occasional splash of colour from bright red basket ball boots or a luminous green or orange shirt.

3. His fine body and energy- whereas Cash would describe himself as lean and trim “like a coiled spring” others may use words like, wiry, sleepy, sloath like or inactive, very inactive.

Cash has never made it into work before 10am, and has usually started taking the pro plus by 2 o'clock. This is then quickly followed by a few calms pills mid afternoon to help him through the rest of the day.

4. His sex appeal – Any one who's spent the night with cash can't possibly forget his “top cat” blindfold ready for a good nights sleep.

Never a great fan of “lady fun” Cash has always declared his preference as being a nice cup of tea and an eccles cake.

However, on the rare occasions Cash takes his socks off before bed, Anna knows her luck is in………….or out, depending upon how you look at it.

5. His strength and agility, Anna has no need to fear for her safety when out on the town with Cash, as he can deal with trouble makers with one arm tied behind his back.

Well, I say one arm tied behind his back…

But I understand that he prefers it if his opponent only has one arm, and is preferably the worse for wear through drink. [Ask him later at the bar!]

But seriously, Cash does have some very good qualities and redeeming features…..although I can't think of any right now.

Only joking, to take just one example Cash is generous to a fault. I'm not sure if it's because his best mates are so tight myself included the rest know who they are. But Cash is always first to the bar on every occasion. Except his stag night, when he was first to the pole!

Often we would watch in amazement / horror as Cash wanders around clubs handing out tenners to random strangers.

If you want a handy tip, hang around the bar with “elephant ears” and a sad look on your face, and wait for the Cashman to arrive.

I've just got time to read out a couple of telegrams

Dear Cash – I hope your new wife will enjoy herself as much as I did……… Love Candy, Spearmint Rhino.

Dear Mr. Cashman – Congratulations…… On winning our big spender of the month award..… From the management and girls of the Rouge Club.
Your free private dance awaits.

I would just like to finish by wishing the happy couple, great health, wealth and happiness.

So ladies and gentlemen, for those of you who are still capable of standing, would you please join me in a toast to the bride and groom.

Here's to Anna and Mark