Speech by Phil Cole

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Phil Cole
Speech Date: 21/09/2010 13:01:42

Good evening ladies and gents,

Now I have never been a best man before, and I am not renowned for my speech writing, but I'll try my best, ’cause Craig said if I do a good job today, I can be Best Man at his next wedding, too.

Seriously though and more importantly, I'd like to thank you all for coming today and helping to make Karen and Craig's wedding day such a memorable and special occasion I am sure that you will agree that Karen you look stunning and well, Craig… you look more stunned than stunning

Now, I haven't known Craig for all that long. Unlike many of the best men you've probably encountered over the years – who were either old school or childhood friends of the groom.

Craig and I only actually met about six years ago when we were working for the same company, in fact recalling my first day in my new job Craig was the first one to speak to me – whist discussing the company car arrangements I told the Financial Director that it didn't matter if you were in a car accident as long as no one was hurt as cars could be replaced and people couldn't. All I heard in the background was the ginger one saying “your either very brave of very F**** stupid” turns out I was the latter of the two.

Anyway I'll apologies now if I offend anyone during my speech, if I do I'll by you a drink later.

Now…  It was of course a great honour to be chosen as best man. But from the moment Craig asked me it was clear that the best man speech would be the most challenging part of the day. If only because of having to select some from the wealth of embarrassing stories of which I could choose.

The only problem with this is by disclosing most things Craig has done I would only be implicating myself and I really don't want to tarnish my impeccable reputation!

So I had to prepare.

I took my standard approach and indeed most men's approach when faced with a problem they know little of nothing about. I surfed the net and I'm sure I'm not the only bloke in the room who has found far more interesting things to look at on the internet. I drew a blank.

I'll let you know now that If this does not go well, Gareth, stick your hand up please, Gareth here has promised to streak naked if I get stuck so at least you will have some form of entertainment.

The first thing that I came across was making sure that Craig had a relatively quiet last night of freedom and that he got a good night's sleep. I can confirm to you all that last night he slept like a baby………that is he wet the bed twice………..and woke up several times crying for his MUMMY! bless

The next thing I found told me that it is tradition to SING THE GROOM'S PRAISES and tell you all about his MANY good points. Well, I'm very sorry but I CAN'T SING, and I WON'T LIE, Karen is a lovely person. She deserves a good and loving husband. Craig, Thank God you married her before she found one!

Actually, while enjoying the service this afternoon, I couldn't help thinking that it's funny how history repeats itself. I mean 30 years ago Karen's family were sending her to bed with a dummy…..… and yet here they are again today.

The net also gave me list of do's and don'ts for the speech, which rather narrowed down my options.

Don't mention ex-girlfriends

<throw away card>

Don't swear

<throw away card>

Don't tell rude jokes

<throw away card>

Don't tell lies

<throw away card>

<throw away card>

<throw away card>

Do tell mostly positive stories about the groom

<throw away card>

<throw away card>

<throw away card>

<throw away card>

<throw away card>

My research also told me that I couldn't talk about sex, drugs or violence so that rules out talking about the stag do too!

<throw away multiple cards>

Hmm, still drawing a bank I thought that the most reliable source of information would clearly come from the friends and family with whom he would share this special day.

So Craig, I wrote down a few words with which some of them used to describe you.

• A great friend (that was mine)
• Kind and considerate
• Ginger
• Devil Brows
• When I heard belligerent, lazy, stubborn and obstinate I thought hang on that's a bit rough (maybe not entirely untrue but certainly a bit unnecessary for a best mans speech) ………….but if his parents don't know him, then who does?

Now it's customary for the best man to give some words of wisdom to the newly weds on marriage. Only being married for exactly 1 year and three months today myself (See Craig – Remember that one they love it) I went out looking for happily married couples that could offer some advice… I'm still looking.

However I've drawn up my own.

1)       Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's the boss…… then do everything she says!

2)       The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once.

3)       To help the course of true love run smooth, never forget those three very important words you must say every day… your right Karen!

4)       Whenever you're wrong, be a man and admit it, Whenever you're right, just say nothing!

5)       it is very important to get on with your mother-in-law, a friend of mine hasn't spoken to his in two years, not because he doesn't like her, he just doesn't like to interrupt!

6)       And one for you Karen! Don't keep him in the dog house too long or he might give his bone to the woman next door!!

Joking aside, Craig has been a great friend to me and we've had some excellent times together, and I'm sure we'll have many more in the future.  It's been an honour and a privilege to be best man today, and I couldn't wish for a better friend to be best man for.

Now it gives me great pleasure, and relief to ask you all to stand and raise your glasses, to the new Mr & Mrs Nixon

Karen and Craig