Speech by Phil Curtis

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Phil Curtis
Speech Date: sep 2003

FORNICATION….Sorry …FOR AN OCCASION such as this I was terrified about making a speech….that was until I found out about the sort of things that I was supposed to say as the best man.
Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Andrew for his kind words, and I have to say they look absolutely wonderful and have done an excellent job today.
It is an honour for me to be Andrew's Best man. Andrew is a quality act. He is a great friend and lifelong confidant. We are like brothers; at one point my father put Andrew as a deduction on his tax return… He had to recoup the money he spent feeding him somehow. Many a time I arrived home to be told, " Oh, you've just missed Andrew… and he's eaten your tea.” However, it is a small price to pay for such a friendship.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's a pleasure to be doing this job. The company is excellent, the hospitality couldn't be better, we have a beautiful bride to admire, and there's an evening of partying ahead of us. Instead, I thought I'd talk about something more interesting. So. Without further ado, here we go…
I have known Andrew for most of his life.
I used to meet him every morning before School, I then went to School, he did not!
He was one of the first people to own a “Beetamax” video recorder. He used it until you could no longer rent, buy or even borrow video tapes for it anymore!
He liked to play snooker as a teenager in his Parent's garage whilst listening to his “The Damned” tapes. He has gone on to be a great snooker player – I am not so sure what happened to “The Damned”
Andrew left School at 16, (although School had forgotten who he was at about this time), and started working for ***** on a Y.T.S. scheme.
He has worked hard in his job for nearly 18 years. He is, I am told, highly regarded within the company and a great manager, a real people person.
He is close to all of his family and loves spending time with them. He now has an extended family, which I know he truly loves and cares for.
Andrew is the happiest that I have ever seen him since meeting Adele.
Andrew is loyal, kind, considerate, and a true friend who is always there for you.
ENOUGH, ENOUGH!!
If you suppose there could be a side to Andrew you don't know about, you'd be right. After all, I feel I am in a good position to comment, Look at Andrew this afternoon and the words that immediately come to mind are perhaps “respectable”, “upright” and “reliable”
HOWEVER, a bone of contention between Andrew and I for many years has been his first brush with the law! When he was much younger, he led me astray when he took it upon himself to buy fireworks from a local shop. I was always blamed for this unfortunate incident but now I have the opportunity to set the record straight. Little did Andrew know at the time, the shop had recorded his purchase on their surveillance cameras? You will see by the date on the video, that the manager of the shop was recently able to send me a copy of this original recording, that I can share with you all today.
The video clip is therefore entitled, “Andrew and the firework”
( I then made a video of a young person buying a large firework from a shop, then throwing the firework! – and played the video onto a large screen as part of my speech)
As you digest this newfound side to the Andrew we all know and love, let me move on to reading a few cards, which have been sent to the happy couple.
Cards
A card from an old friend of Adele's who couldn't make it today. It reads… Adele and Andrew – sorry I couldn't be there but I am just too upset that Adele turned me down!!! – Love Eric Cantona.
Eric has also sent Adele and Andrew a cheque for 12 Million – sorry pence!!

Andrew, I can't help thinking about what could have been – Loving you always – George Michael.
Adele and Andrew, sorry we could not be here today, we've found Andrew to be useless in every position. Hope Adele has more luck. Congratulations, from the lads at football.
Adele – WOW, you look absolutely stunning! I truly hope that this will be a day held dearest in your heart for the rest of your life! But you know its funny how history tends to repeats itself.… 30 odd years ago your parents were putting you to sleep with a dummy, and now it's happening all over again! – Love Geraldine.
Andrew, ‘Little Johnny and I will see you in court, you lying son-of-a…’
To Adele and Andrew, Congratulations! I was told – Never go to bed angry. I've lived by this – I always stay up and argue! Love Liam Gallagher.
Toasts
Could you please stand now and join me in a toast to the bride and grooms parents for this special day, and to all those who were sadly unable to be here today.
And would you all please remain standing, and join me in a toast to the happy couple Mr and Mrs *****.
Please now be seated and thank you for listening to me.

The end !