Speech by Phil Hurn

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Phil Hurn
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Good evening You will have to excuse me for reading my speech , as I must admit to being a little nervous. In fact, this isn't the first time today that I have stood up from a warm seat holding a piece of paper.

My name is Phil and as you can see, I'm Lucky enough to be Marks best man. It really is an honour for my self, Lana and Jordan to stand with Mark and Julie today and that that we were able to play a small part in their big day.

I'm sure you'll agree this has turned out to be a brilliant wedding celebration and that the Bridesmaid and Flower Girl look stunning. The Bride looks stunning, and Mark well while he does look stunned, you would have to say he looks just as stunning as his bride and has scrubbed up well.

Like I said.. I really was nervous about making a speech today, so I prepared a few lines – and having snorted them, I feel absolutely fine!!

So, starting from the beginning, Mark was born at a very early age. He was born at the Tokaroa Hospital on 22tnd of October 1954, — in fact he was so surprised by his birth , he was speechless for about a year and a half.

I asked Mark's Dad if he had any cute photos of young Mark that I could show today. There was this really sweet one of him lying naked on a sheepskin rug eating a chocolate biscuit. I was going to have it blown up to show you today, but then I thought it might be too embarrassing because he was 16 when it was taken.

Mark grew up in Morrinsville and attended the Southwell School in Hamilton and also Morrinsville college. I am told he was an ideal pupil, who excelled in most subjects. Sorry that should have read: "he was an idle pupil, who was expelled from most subjects"

His last report card said ..… I am convinced that Mark will go far, and the sooner he's far away from us the better.… And so he did all the way to Australia..…

Most of Marks jobs since leaving school have all involved working machinery of some sort, whether it be as a train driver when he moved across to Australia or on mowers, tractors while care taking and driving his bob cat in the construction on golf courses, housing and roading. Mark was at the time one of the most laid back people you could ever met. In fact if he was any more laid back, he would be horizontal, which incidentally is his favourite position.

Mark has crossed the Tasman quite a bit after he finished school but when he returned in 1994 Mark met the woman of his dreams, but unfortunately she didn't feel the same way. However, just a couple of weeks later he was lucky enough to meet Julie in the book shop where she worked in town. Every month Mark would pick up his monthly magazines from the shop were Julie worked – I am told they were called "The Real Beginners Guide to Catching Fish" and the other was "How To Chat Up Woman" Well Mark one of those magazines worked for you.

I first met Mark in 1997 This scruffy looking guy walked into the marine electronics shop where I was working at the time wanting to buy an aerial for a VHF marine radio he had brought back from a trip to Australia .

Turns out Mark had been taken in by the Aussies as he was told that the radio would work in NZ, – but not so as it was the wrong freq. – though Mark never believed me !! – So my first impressions of Mark where that of "he's a little bit gullible… A bit slow off the "Mark". Actually, I found out that it takes Mark 2 hours to watch 60 minutes…( T.V.News Show )

Anyway over time I got to know Mark… and Julie, and spent some good times out fishing with him on the water !!

I can honestly say I out fished him totally!!! Julie out fished him Totally — but after a while and with Julies help, we spent many hours with Mark, teaching him and guiding him on the art of fishing – I will say that all the knowledge I have passed on to Mark has finally sunk in and he has caught a few fish just about as big as mine !!. Though Not yet good enough to out fish Julie.

Word has it that she is going to buy him his very own Tackle Box for his wedding present, as he still shares Julie's and looses way to many hooks and sinkers to little fish and rocks.

Now since Mark has sold his boat I hear him talk constantly about one day owning the best aluminium boat on the market– being of course a MARCO 610 – he just loves Marcos and was very jealous of mine.

In closing I'd like to offer 2 words of advice to you Mark today .…

1) Always remember to get on with your mother in law – I never got on with mine, not because I didn't like her – I just think it's rude to interrupt.

2) When you take those blue pills before you go to bed at night, the ones I saw in your suitcase the other day — remember to swallow them fast – otherwise you'll get a stiff neck

. Now just as I close.…

I'm sure a number of you here today have been a best man a wedding before, but I wonder how many of you have ever received guidelines from the bride to be?!!!! This is an e-mail that Julie sent me..

(read e-mail )

Phil

I was very pleased when Mark asked you to be best man at our wedding and knew by selecting you, he had made the right decision. We have both known you for some time now and we cannot think of anybody better looking, so smart and intelligent to fulfil this part.

As we get close to the wedding day I'm sure you appreciate the stress that we are both under, , but there is two areas that do cause me concern, your speech and your conduct.

I appreciate that as best man you are required to write a speech that pokes a certain amount of fun at the groom, , with stories and jokes about his past exploits, but I do want you to remember that this is our wedding day and I don't want something that you might say or do to spoil it. I would ask that you also keep a very close check on Mark as well.

With this in mind, please take note of the following and I'm sure we'll all have a wonderful day:

DO NOT get drunk

DO NOT use bad language

DO NOT tell dirty jokes
DO NOT use your fingers when eating

DO NOT let Mark use his fingers when eating
DO NOT take food from anybody else's plate
DO NOT dance
DO NOT sing
DO NOT let Mark sing

DO NOT pick your nose
DO NOT talk about Mark's little problem
DO NOT leer at women with lo-cut tops

DO NOT let Mark leer at women with lo-cut tops
DO NOT belch
DO NOT let Mark harass the bridesmaid
Make sure you keep your clothes on
Make sure Mark keeps his clothes on
DO NOT let Mark drink port
DO NOT let Mark drink brandy
DO NOT let Mark drink
DO NOT make your speech too long
DO NOT touch the cake
DO NOT let Mark steal anything

but most importantly, enjoy yourself, but not too much!!!!!!!!!!

PS — Do however tell everyone that I am a far better fisherman than Mark and I hold the record for the biggest John Dory – Kawiahi – Snapper and– Trevelly – Mark does hold the record for the biggest kingfish but just say I hold that one as well ?????

Thanks Julie J

Well I think I have done really well so far Julie —- though the night is still young !!

Well I started planning this speech a few days a go, and you all probably feel like I've been delivering it for just as long, so. Congratulations Mark and Julie…I wish you all the best for the future.