Speech by Phil James

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Phil James
Speech Date: Jan 2002
GREET

Host & Hostess, Bride & Bridegroom. I would say Ladies and Gentlemen but I happen to know better.

Im not saying that I was nervous. But this is the 5th time I have risen from a warm seat today with a sheet of paper in my hand.

On behalf of the Bridesmaids I'd like to thank Paul for his kind words. Its nice that after 30 years Paul has finally admitted I am indeed the best man. Although he says he only picked me so that I would make him look good in the photo's.

I knew it would be difficult to follow a speech by my brother Paul, and I was right. I couldn't follow a bloody word of it.

We are hear to celebrate the marriage of Paul and Penny, and I must say that Paul has played a blinder in marrying Penny. He get's someone who's beautiful, charming, smart, funny, loving and caring. And Penny, well you get Paul. Who's fat and snores.

For those of you who don't know who I am, I am the younger and better looking of the James boys.

START

In time honoured Best Man tradition I will now do my best to give Paul the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of the day. Which to be fair is what he gives to Penny when they go to bed.

For those of you related to Penny but have not yet had the pleasure of meeting Paul I will now give you an insight into the character of the man.

Paul was born on the 7th March 1968, and is the oldest of 2 boys. He was such an ugly baby that when the midwife handed him over to my parents she apologised. My mum & dad were so disappointed when they first saw him that they swore their next effort would be much better. Unfortunately more disappointment was to follow when I arrived.

I am sure it will come as no surprise to you to know that Paul was a very special child. So much so, that at school he was put in all the special classes.
By the time he was 10 Paul started reading his first book and by the time he was 13 he'd finished it. I think it was a Mr Men book.

In fact, he grew so attached to his dunces cap that the teachers used to let him wear it during playtime.

He was so dim that when he took his French ORAL at school he ended up getting slapped in the face by the examiner Mr Good, who for some strange reason we never saw again.

And did you know that when my mum was pregnant with him she got arrested for being a dope carrier.

Aswell as being a dim, you will also have noticed that he is fat. Even though Paul will say it's a glandular problem or he suffering from water retention. More like Beer retention.

His was so fat that when he lost his virginity, the girl rolled over 3 times and she was still on top of him.

His belly is so big that he hasn't seen his genetalia in 10 years, although Penny hasn't given up hope and is still trying to find it.

Pauls idea of pumping iron is lifting a knife and fork.

In fact I don't know how he's going to survive on his honeymoon, having to hold his stomach in for 2 weeks, and if he walks to close to the sea he might get harpooned.

However, Paul wasn't always obese.

He was very sporty at school. Oh yes, he used to run to the tuck shop every day.

Paul became aware of his sporting talents at Infant School where he was twice a winner of the egg and spoon race. Although he was always last in the sack race. Mind you, from what ive heard he's never been very good in the sack.

At School Paul was one of the finest athletes in his year, and if truth be told he was probably one of the best sportsmen the school has ever had. He used to represent his School at athletics, tennis, cross-country, and Football.

One year, along with his football team he ran all the way from Nottingham to Skegness, although I reckon he only did it because he heard that the beer was free in skeggy.

When I asked his old team mates what he was like at football they said that he was “useless in every position”. So I hope Penny has better luck there.

Seriously, Paul was a great athlete and sportsmen, with a strong will to win, and although I never told him so, I was always proud of him and happy that he was my brother.

Had it not been for pubs opening all day Paul could have made it as a pro.

Paul doesn't like to advertise the fact that he is a sensitive bloke. So I will do it for him.

One of my early memories of Paul was that he was always crying. It used to be ridiculous, when I getting told off (usually by mum) Paul was always the one who burst into tears and then ran upstairs.

Growing up as a child he even used to cry at films.

Like when Elsa the lioness died in Born Free.

Or when Augustus Gloop got sucked down a tube in Willy Wonka.

Rumour has it that he came home from the pub one night a bit worse for wear, saw the closing minutes of a film and then started crying. Even my Sister who witnessed this is still embarrassed about it.

Though they are not the only films Paul watches that make him cry. His favourite “Big boy love frenzy” would also bring a tear to the eye.

This sensitivity is partly my parents fault who forced us to watch films like Grease, Brigadoon, Seven brides for seven brothers, and not least The student Prince. If Paul is drunk enough tonight he might even give you a rendition from it. He also does a mean Josef Locke.

I have not mentioned Pauls famous dress sense because what else can you say about a man who once used to wear a leopardskin thong.

Before I finish I am sure some of you are wondering why people keep calling Paul, Jibby. Well its been his nickname for years, although I don't exactly know how he got it. I know it started off as Giblets, which I presume is something to do his fondness for chickens when he was a child. I know he used to like Plucking them.

As Pauls brother I would just like to say a few things about him that his friends will already know.

First and foremost, he is my brother and I love him. He is one of the most loving, loyal, caring, and funny people I know, and growing up with him as my brother has been a wonderful experience full of fun and laughter. So I would like to thank Paul for being a fantastic brother and I look forward to sharing more fun and laughter with him and his new wife Penny.

And if Penny has as much happiness with Paul as I did growing up with him, then she will be a very lucky women indeed.

I will now pass you over to Sara who will say a few words about Penny.

READING OF CARDS

I would now like to read out a couple of cards from people that couldn't make it.

“Paul, you were the best I ever had” From Thora Hird

“Paul, we will miss the threesomes”. From Neil and Christine Hamilton

“To Paul, we could have made a great couple”. From Graham Norton

+ some real ones

TOASTS

Firstly I'd like to say to Paul what an honour it has been for me to be your best man today, and must say what a lovely couple you and Penny make.

If I can now ask you to remain seated but raise your glasses I'd like to make a few toasts. Firstly to the Bridesmaids who look lovely and have done a great job today. Thank You

To the Bride and Grooms parents for this very special day. Thank You

It now gives me great pleasure to invite you to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Paul and Penny, the new Mr and Mrs James.

May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.

The Bride and Groom.