Speech by Phil James

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Phil James
Speech Date: Jan 2002
GREET

Host & Hostess, Bride & Bridegroom, Ladies and Gentlemen, and Transexuals.

Thanks to the bridesmaids & the bridegroom for his kind words. Its the only nice thing he has said about me in 15 years.

We are hear to celebrate a love match Pure & Simple, Louise is Pure and Matt is, well he's not Stephen Hawking.

For those of you who don't know who I am, I am Phil James and have been Matt's friend for about 15 years.

START

I was feeling a bit nervous about the speech, but not as nervous as Matt was this morning. He said he had a few butterflies in his stomach, but he should be feeling better now as I found this in the toilet just after he left it. HOLD BRICK and a copy RAZZLE.

Best Man tradition obliges me to share with you some of the more embarrasing moments in Matt's life. But I would like to start by offering those of you who are related to the lovely Louise but haven't met Matt before an insight into the character of the man she married.

Matt was born on the 28th February 1972, and is the oldest of 3 boys. So his mum & dad obviously thought they could do better. Looking at him today its not too big a stretch of the imagination to say that he was an extremely ugly baby. In fact he was so ugly that his mum didn't start getting morning sickness until after he was born.

Matt was a slow starter. At Playschool he was different from all the other 5 year olds, he was 11.

When he was 14 his mum & dad were concerned that he was falling behind at school. Although he wasn't just falling behind, he was getting lapped.

This general lack of intelligence was reflected in some of his school reports, which I have a copy of and they read as follows:

Maths “Matthew has a problem differentiating between inches & millimetres”. Which explains why he thinks he's got a 18mm waist and a 30” penis.

R. E. “Matt's understanding of Christianity is very poor, so much so that he still believes Phil Collins wrote the book of Genesis”

Music “Matt takes a hands on approach to music, but I wish he concentrate his efforts playing in a band instead of with himself”.

Sports I couldn't find a report card for this, so I went back to his old School and asked his PE teacher Mr Prusinski if he remembered Matt. He said “yes I do, a chubby lad with unusually small genetalia and no footballing ability”.

I first met Matt at school, he was a couple of years below me, and my first impression about him was that he was a fat freak, and 15 years since, I still have the same opinion of him.

After school had finished Matt discovered his 1st Love. PORNOGRAPHY, and he went on to spend many a happy hour locked in the bathroom.

A few years later Matt started on the road to becoming the next Hugh Heffner. With the help of a few friends he started a business as a distributor of exotic videos. However, despite promising sales early on, the thought of prison soon beckoned as some of the merchandise ended up in the hands of schoolboys. At this point he closed the business down.

At around the same time Matt discovered the 2nd love of his life. BEER.

Now Matt is a big drinker, but a happy drinker, always laughing and shaking hands, even when he is alone.

He went to give blood recently and when the doctors were doing some tests they discovered something serious. They actually found some blood in his alcohol system.

I'll never forget the day he dropped a pint on the floor, Ive never seen so many splinters in a tongue.

In fact despite me being a couple of years older, Matt used to lead me astray. When we were in our late teens we went into town looking to complete the holy grail of beer drinkers. 10 pints in a night, which we actually did despite one of us being sick on the 10th pint. So I would like to take this opportunity to apologise on behalf of Matt to my mum for that state I came home in that night and for the many other occasions Matt has got me into trouble. Although for the record, that is 1 pint every 12 minutes, so we expect to see some challengers later this evening.

In an effort to balance his drinking Matt became interested in sport.

Their have been 2 major highlights in Matts sporting life. One of them is that he is one of only two people in the world that never been beaten in doubles snooker. Some of the guests here today have already been victims of his outrageous talent.

His other major achievement was that he was voted player of the tournament in a major football competition. That competition was the Newgale 2-a-side beach football tournament, where he overcame stiff competition from Dominic Tanganelli and Dan Whitfield. Although thats not the only stiff thing he has come over.

But aswell as the highs, their have also been some lows. Like when he managed an under 14’s football team. Unfortunately they were rubbish and had a record of x wins and x losses, which is surprising given that Matt was using his famous christmas tree formation. I heard one person comment that his football team was like an old bra, No cups and No support.

Oh, and before I forget he is not bad at golf. In fact a couple of years he won the Cripple's cup at this Golf Club, or is that the Cripps cup.

Despite these minor loves of his life, his Major one was still to come. Matt met Louise…………………………..…

Loiuse often used to complain about his sexual naivety. He actually believes that mutual climax is an insurance company.

READING OF CARDS

I would now like to read out a couple of cards from people that couldn't make it.

“Matt, youre a dynamo, Ill miss the good times”. From Cameron Diaz

“To Matt, we could have made a great couple”. From Dale Winton

+ some real ones

TOASTS

Firstly I'd like to say to Matt that I have enjoyed our great friendship for the past 15 years, and know that this friendship will continue for the rest of our lives. And I would also like to say what an honour it has been for me to be your best man today.

If I can now ask you to remain seated but raise your glasses I'd like to make a few toasts. Firstly to the Bridesmaids who look lovely and have a great job today. Thank You

To the Bride and Grooms parents for this very special day. Thank You

It now gives me great pleasure to invite you to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Matt and Louise, the new Mr and Mrs Limon.

May you live as long as you like and have all you like for as long as you live.

The Bride and Groom.