Speech by Phil Johnson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Phil Johnson
Speech Date: sep 2002
Introduction

Good afternoon Ladies and Gentleman,

I am the Best Man and for those who don't know me,

my name is…..‘Phil, would you like another drink’

…so please don't be afraid to come and say hello to me later.

It is now time for me to make a speech now,

And….quite frankly,

there's not a whole lot you can do about that.

Mind you…I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat…

If I go on too long, Sam has threatened to cut it.

You know it is said that being the best man is like being asked to make love

to Her Majesty the Queen…

It's a great honour but nobody wants to do it.

I must admit though to being a little nervous.

In fact, this certainly isn't the first time today that I have stood up…from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

Even so, I still agreed to be Adie's best man

and I'm sure you'll agree that my first duty,

that of getting Adie to the church, sober…on time

and eventually married…

was a… success.

I must say though the last wedding I went to,

the bride was so ugly,

Everybody kissed the Groom.

but this afternoon at the ceremony,

I think everyone will agree…

The bride looked absolutely stunning…
(pause for “hear hears”)

and the groom looked absolutely stunned!

(pause)

because let us all remember,

marriage isn't for everyone…

Men for instance.

But ladies and gentlemen,

I've been asked today to praise Adie, not to bury him…

Mind you, I must say the vote was bloody close!

Middle

I've now known Adie for about 7 years

but I never knew him as a child,

so I gathered some information about him that will hopefully summarise aspects of his past.

(Pause)

Adie was not a pretty baby.

Apparently his mother didn't get morning sickness until after he was born!

Yes, Adie's parents were a little disappointed when he came into the world…

They'd set their hearts on a Golden Retriever.

I asked Adie to sum up
some of his most strongest, fondest memories that he holds to this day…

and I'd like to take this opportunity to reminisce on the growth of brotherly love held between Adie and Des as they grew up together…

Like the time when Des dropped the concrete block of a swing ball game, onto, and severely breaking Adie's hand,

Or the time when Des caused Adie to crash…head-first… into a caravan

Or there's the time when Des punched Adie, in the face, whilst he was innocently making scrambled eggs

And of course, finally there was the time when Des smashed Adie's head in, on, of all times, his 21st Birthday.

Yes, they were the days.

Anyhow you'll all be glad to hear that it has in NO WAY affected Adie's intellectual sharpness…

They don't call him Adrian ‘razor blade’ Betts for nothing you know.

(Pause)

As I have mentioned, I didn't know Adie at school

So I looked up some of his old teachers

and asked them to list his academic achievements for me…

Unfortunately I lost the postage stamp on the way to the ceremony.

So I've had to rely on Adie's OWN version of events regarding his education…

Adrian Betts was an exceptionally gifted student at school and he excelled in almost everything he did!

He left school to the great sadness of his headmaster and teachers and successfully attended Cambridge University…

Where he attained an excellent first class honours degree in advanced level Nuclear physics!

Well I'm not entirely sure about
Adie's rendition of his academic years…

but I've got a good understanding of the events that followed.

Like the time he spent in Majorca

A few years after leaving School Adie decided to pack up his troubles and travel Europe…

Not because he wanted to see the world, but because he wanted the world to see him

Adie made it all the way to the cosmopolitan island known as Majorca

He quickly picked up on the local customs and landed himself a job as a DANCER in one of the islands biggest night clubs

and I am sure he'll be more than happy to show a few moves later (whether we like it or not)

That is of course providing the string quartet take requests such as ‘Insane in the membrane’ or ‘Let me be your fantasy’.

Whilst in Majorca Adie had a run in with the now film star but then notorious footballer – Vinney Jones..

Who squared up to Adie and threatened to punch him for looking like a nancy boy.

However for those 2 of you here today that Adie hasn't told this story to,

he would no doubt recite a more classy encounter

Unfortunately Adie's dancing days are long over,

this became all the more apparent after a night out some months back

when the best dance move Adie could summon up was a little classy number now nick-named

‘the running on the spot’ manoeuvre.

Now I couldn't write a speech without paying tribute to Adie's contribution to the world of hockey,

And I've often heard it said that Playing Hockey with Adie is like playing hockey with an old ladies Bra…

“No cups and no support.”

But I'm sure that's not true, Adie always leaves a big impression on the game.

Infact Adie's big impression makes up a large factor of his personality,

He's never been known for his discretion or timidity,

You can guarantee that shinny spec on the horizon will always turn out to be Adie…in his yellow car.

To finish off I'd like to just give a brief history of how the Sam and Adie came to be.

It all started some 5 years ago, when on a night out in Stratford town a set of eyelids fluttered across the dance floor…

Sam immediately spotted Adie's advance, and one thing led to another.

Romance blossomed for the pair and once Sam had decided she wasn't going to do any better than Adie they brought a house and moved in together.

and to this day they both live happily,

but Sam one bit of advice, should Adie ever threaten to leave you,

make sure you hold out for a firm promise.

So now as I draw my speech to an end, I'd like to sum Adie's career,

as a Batchelor, up in one word…

over.

Ladies and Gentlemen,
It's now my pleasant duty to thank Adie on behalf of the bridesmaid Emma for his kind words.

I'd also like to thank Wendy and Bob Cresswell on behalf of all the guests for the hospitality we've enjoyed this afternoon.

Like everybody here, I wish Sam and Adie all the happiness in the world.

As a man who'll drink to absolutely anything,

I'd be grateful if you would all give me an excuse to raise my glass again by joining me in one more toast to the happy couple…

And this piece of advice to Adie…

“To keep your marriage brimming in the ever-loving cup –

Whenever you're wrong admit it…
Whenever you're right; shut up!”

Ladies and Gentlemen

The new Mr and Mrs Betts…

Sam and Adie!