Speech by Phil Sugrue

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Phil Sugrue
Speech Date: June 2002
Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen

Before I get on to the traditional character assassination of the bridegroom, on behalf of the bridesmaids and the Matron of Honour, let me first of all thank ******* for his kind words and presents.

We are here to celebrate a love match Pure & Simple, ***** is Pure and ******* is…………… er, simple.

For those who don't know me my names Phil and I have the HONOUR of being ******* best man.

I have never been a best man before, and I am not renowned for my speech writing, But I'll try my best, ’cause ******* said if I do a good job I can be Best Man at his next wedding, too. (I'm kidding. No, I really am.)

I'd just like to thank my Mother for buying me a book that had a chapter entitled ‘The Best Man Checklist’. I must confess I was perplexed by some of the things I was expected to do:

Help the groom dress – thanks, but no… If he hasn't learned by now…

Ensure that the groom:

Uses the toilet (again, no, I refuse);
his shoes are tied;
his face and hair are ‘in order’ (God didn't put them in order first time round, so what chance do I have?);
nothing's between his teeth (or is that his ears??); and
that his trouser flies are done up…
Mmmm… perhaps he needs a nanny for a best man

I had to think long and hard for today, ******* is careful, considered, reliable, thoughtful, safe………… rather conventional really.

******* and ***** met about 9 ½ years when they both had to travel to work on the train, ***** used the train by choice, and ******* used the train through negligence, because he had written off his mums car.

Apparently ******* was the perfect child, he wasn't naughty and he had no trouble at school, he even did his homework on time and his teachers liked him. By the sounds of it, he was one of those weird kids who liked writing poetry and pressing flowers.

******* tried many sports to no avail, When he tried rugby he was told his tackle was not big enough. He tried distance running but could not stand the pace and when it came to football, he was useless in every position; I hope that ***** has more luck

I was also going to mention some of ******* ex-girlfriends, as is traditional in a Best Man's speech. Fortunately though for *******, due to the Foot and Mouth outbreak last year…………………

A couple of memories that make me smile, on holiday in Scotland some years ago, ******* was experimenting……… with contact lenses ‘ I've lost one’ he exclaimed. *****, *****, ******* and my self spent ½ an hour looking, to no avail and………… yes it was in his eye.

If any one has yet to buy ******* and ***** a wedding present I am sure that they would appreciate a new shower tray, your guess is as good as mine on how they broke it in the first place.

But*****, remember, men are like fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with.

On the other hand *******, women are also like a fine wine. They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.

And finally, ******* one thing to remember, for a long and happy marriage, two words……………… ‘Yes Dear.’

Seriously though it has been a great honour to be best man for ******* and I am sure you agree with me that ******* and ***** make a great couple. I would like to wish you both all the luck in the future and a happy life together.

Ladies Gentlemen – please stand………… and raise your glasses, I would like to propose a toast. To ***** and *******, the Bride and Groom.