Speech by Phil Taylor

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Phil Taylor
Speech Date: Nov 2001
Thankyou Nick for that stupendous introduction.

Before I begin on behalf of the Amanda our Bridesmaid, I'd like to thank
Nick for his kind words. I think you'll all agree that Amanda looks
wonderful and did a splendid job in getting Alison to the church on time.

Best man Job

Can I start by saying?.if there's anyone here whose feeling a little
nervous and apprehensive, it's actually because you've just married Nick
Wood !!!

When I agreed to be Nick's best man, I was touched and honoured that he
wanted me for such an important job on such an auspicious occasion. I also
believe that, deep down, he knew the other 10 people he asked would say no.

Old Girlfriends

Actually I was hoping to see some of Nicks’ ex-girlfriends here today, but
Alison informed me that due to the recent foot-and-mouth crisis, most of
them had either been shot or incinerated.

Being Asked

Nick's approach to asking me to be his best man was quite unique. We'd been
having a few cultured drinks at particularly raucous rugby club dinner,
when Nick stumbled over to me, belched a couple of times, put his arm round
me and said "Well Phil, I'm getting married in November, and I suppose I've
got to ruin someone's day, so it might as well be yours" – which I thought
was very touching!

Similarities and Differences

Now, during my research for this speech I read an article that said an
interesting exercise to carry out is to examine a couples similarities and
differences. So that's what I did??

First the similarities:

We have of course football. Now anyone knows that Alison knows is a
fanatical Southampton fan, season ticket holder and general aficionado on
anything revolving round St Mary's stadium.

Nick on the other hand supports the other favourite local team, a team with
apparently over 30,000 fanatical supporters in the Portsmouth area – that
team is of course Manchester United.

Another common theme can be found at the bottom of a beer glass. I think we
can safely assume that both Alison and Nick enjoy the odd shandy now and
then.

Now some would say that Alison's drinking prowess outshines Nicks, but it
has to be said Nick was indeed on fine drinking form on his stag night.

For anyone who was wondering, 16 of us went to Nottingham, 15 dressed as
vicars and Nick dressed as a Cardinal. It was a ruse he was pulling off
with great aplomb, right up to the point when someone asked him if he was
Methodist or Anglican, and he responded, "No I'm a Gemini"

On one of their first dates Nick took Alison to a trendy cocktail bar. On
their arrival Alison said, ‘If you can tell me the main ingredient to a
Margarieta, I'll buy you one’. Nick stood back and said "That's easy –
cheese and tomato".

So, those are the similarities, but what about the differences?

Differences

As with any man and wife, there's always the dreaded shopping.

Alison is very much a Harvey Nix and Harrods girl, whereas Nick's more of a
Millets and Quality Seconds man.

Alison loves shopping, turning the whole day into a purchasing
tour-de-force, a near military operation involving pincer movement and
out-flanking maneouvers on innocent unsuspecting shop assistants.

Nick absolutely hates shopping, and if he can visit one shop to bulk-buy
his entire years supply of trousers, shirts, socks and pants, he would
gladly enter. In fact, Some of his excuses for not buying clothes form part
of shopping folklore.

My particular favourite was uttered when he was still living with his
parents, and on being asked to buy a trendy red shirt he refused on the
grounds that "My mother doesn't often do a colours wash"

Another difference is their choice of eating establishment.

Alison would pick one of the top-end restaurants – Quaglino's, Mezzo and
The Ivy, whereas Nick's would tend toward the Munch-Me burger van on
Palmerstone Road, or maybe Ken's Kebabathon in Southsea sea front.

On one visit to Quaglino's Nick was aghast at spending ?15 on his main
course of fish & chips. Being an accountant he summised that based on
current market rates, he'd paid ?3 for the fish, 50p for the chips, and
?11.50 for the slice of lemon.

Pictures of Nick

One of Nick's primary traits is his uncanny ability of getting in front of
a camera whenever he can. Now this has the upside and a downside.

The upside is he gets lots of photos taken of him, but the downside is that
on occasions like today, those photos come back to haunt him. So can I
present the many faces of Mr Nick Wood <show embarrassing pictures >

. Santa Clause
. Jaromaqui
. Socates – the great thinker
. Mother Theresa of Calcutta

Nick – I really think you've missed you vocation in life !!

Telegrams

One of my last duties to perform before I toast the happy couple is to read
a few telegrams from those who could not be present here today.

Dear Nicholas – Even though I'm still heartbroken, I wish you well on your
special day. Now we'll never know how good we could have been together.
All my love – Dale Winton

Dearest Alison – You were the one reason I stayed at this Mickey Mouse
club, and now that reason has gone as well. Goodbye forever cruel world.
Hugs and kisses – Matt Le Tissier

Dear Nick – you're looks and style have always been, and will always be, an
inspiration and example to me. Have a wonderful day.
All the best – ‘H’ from Steps

Toast

All that remains for me to do is to wish Alison and Nick all the very best
for their future. You make a wonderful couple, and I know that everyone
here today wishes you a long and happy life together.

Nick, I think you've done extremely well in marrying Alison. In her you've
got someone with charm, wit, intelligence and beauty. And Alison?.. well
you've got a man called Nick.

So can I ask you to charge your glasses and please be upstanding to toast
the Bride and Groom.