Speech by Phil

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Phil
Speech Date: Jul 2002
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen,

It's surprising just how far some people are prepared to travel for a free lunch. It's a good job Al never choose the menu, otherwise we would have had cheese sandwiches washed down with larger.

Firstly I have a few messages to read out (read telegrams etc.)

As Henry the eighth said to each of his wife's, I won't keep you long.

I'd like to begin by thanking Al for asking me to be best man. I would
also like to thank Amanda for allowing Al to ask me.

Al has a splendid set of friends, and to be nominated from such esteemed company, is without doubt a great honour.

On behalf of the Christine and Lauren I'd like to thank Al for his kind words and gifts. His thanks are truly justified because they have done an incredible job, and look great. Making sure Amanda went against her better judgement and never backed out must have been a hard task!

Thanks also to the ushers, friends and family who have all helped to make this day so special.

Amanda, you make a fine bride and look beautiful and radiant. I couldn't help but notice Al swell with pride when he saw you walking down the aisle in that dress.

Al, you are indeed a lucky man, you have married Amanda today and she is attractive, warm, loving and caring. A wife who will be all you could ever wish for and more.

Amanda, you have married Al who is…

• Handsome

• Witty

• Intelligent

• Charming

• Good Looking

• Per…Per…Sorry Al, I'm having trouble reading your writing.

When Al asked me to be his Best man I consulted the Internet for help.

I discovered that the job is essentially comprised of 4 main tasks;

1. Organize the Stag party (perhaps you could tell us again how you burst the inflatable sheep Al?)

2. Help the groom dress (at last I found out where the G-string from Dublin went!)

3. See that any ex-girlfriends are kept at bay (quite a task as most of them have been released under care in the community!)

4. Make a speech……… I thought it was going to be tough following a speech by Al and I was right, I couldn't understand a single word of it.

I did find a lot of other interesting things on the Internet but I won't go into that now……….…

I met Al over 10 years ago, I often wonder what it would be like if I DIDN'T have him as a friend….… Sometimes the smile lasts for days.

Al has more Skeletons in his closet than Fred West ever managed.

I have plenty of stories that I could tell you about Al, fortunately for him alcohol has blurred many of them, and the others are really unsuitable for this occasion.

I'm sure that as today wears on then some of them may come out though, Al will perhaps tell you some himself then I could fill you in with what really happened.

However, I feel obliged to give those of you who don't know him too well a brief rundown of his life so far to give you an idea of what sort of person he is.

Born in 1973, it was the same year that VAT was introduced in this country and it set the tone for his popularity. Although his parents loved him, it's not hard to believe he was an extremely ugly baby. In fact I'm told his Mum didn't start morning sickness until after he was born. He didn't enjoy school as much as the other kids. At playschool he was different, all the other kids were 4 years old and he was 8. But in his defence he was a special child, so much so that he was put in all the special classes. By the time he was 9 Al had started reading his first book and by the time he was 14 he'd finished that Mr Man book.

I have managed to obtain a copy of Al's school report.
Obviously I wasn't at school with him as but you can imagine my surprise when I read his old teachers comments.
Geography
Al is the only one in the class who thinks Ellesmere Port is a fine table wine.
Biology
Whilst Al is often enthusiastic he took it a little too far by revising for his blood test.Religious Education
Al's understanding of Christianity is very limited, so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins.

Headmaster

‘An ideal pupil who excelled at most subjects’. Ooops, sorry that should be, ‘Al was an idle pupil who was expelled from most subjects.’

It was at School that he first met Amanda and although there was mutual attraction it was to be a few years down the line before they were to fall in love. In the meantime he would find other ways of pleasuring himself.

Until then cars and alcohol were his passion and this is where Al and I formed our close friendship. One time whilst servicing on a Rally in the Middle East, Al was propositioned for marriage by a rich Sheikh who took a fancy to the fresh-faced youth. I left them to it. I'm not sure what happened that night but the sheikh had a new boyfriend the next day. Perhaps Amanda will be able to enlighten us there? (Waggle little finger about)

I will save stories such as when Al went jogging round Kendal Parks- naked, the crazed woman in Malta who gave Al a little more that he bargained for (the pot of yoghurt didn't expect that either) or the many other tales for another time.

After a few failed relationships (69 does indeed seem to be his lucky number), Al was once again left looking for his soul mate. His long-term relationship with Stella Artois would always remain, but he needed someone else in his life. When he met Amanda in the local nightclub one night, the attraction from school was re-kindled. He told me the following day how lucky he felt that his childhood dream was about to happen, a date with Amanda. It was at this point I realised that this might be the girl he had been searching for, and today this has proven. Al was smitten like never before and made the choice to settle down with Amanda and Lauren. Together they chose a house in Kendal with a lovely mature Garden. His time spent admiring the garden enabled him to set-up his part-time Scrap metal business with the empties that Ashley and him quickly piled up.

I'm sure Amanda will make an ideal wife, I have a laminated copy of the leaflet you have on your table for her here (I had placed copies of this on the guests tables: https://www.hitched.co.uk/jokes/Grooms.asp), and if she follows that I'm sure she won't go far wrong.

I was talking to Amanda before the wedding and asked her how she felt about sex before marriage- she replied it should be no problem, as long as it didn't hold the ceremony up too long. With an attitude like that then I'm sure that they will have a long and happy life together.

Al has always been extremely generous and very loyal. He is also good company and great fun. I know that as a friend no one could wish for better, and he will offer even more to Amanda and Lauren.

Asking Al what he was looking for in marriage; he said love and happiness. When I asked Amanda the same question, she
replied…A PERKY COPULATOR. Sorry, that was actually a COFFEE PERCULATOR.

We had a couple of beers last night just to calm the nerves and I can tell you Al slept like a baby…he woke up crying every hour, wanting his mummy.

Before I finish I would like to offer you a few gems of advice for
married life.

Never go to bed angry…always stay up and argue.
Always remember those three little words…."You're right dear".
Never swear at your wife if there are ladies present.
The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it just once.
You must be prepared for the oldest trick in the book…"So Al, do you notice anything different"?
And lastly, this is something well worth remembering. This is the
definition for the word argument, "A discussion that occurs when she's right, but you just haven't realized it yet." I'm sure all the married men here will agree with that one.

Today is a day when each one of us wishes the happy couple well. Being human they will have their disagreements. Life being what it is there will be sad moments as well as glad. Yet I know that today we are all wishing them happiness and health in those years to come, and I am sure that the love between Al and Amanda will be strong enough to last forever

Here's to love, laughter
and happily ever after.
As Al and Amanda start their new life
Let's toast the new husband and wife. (Wait until everyone is stood up)

"The Bride and Groom"