Speech by Phil

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Phil
Speech Date: Apr 1999
Thanks Andy. OK, for those of you who don't know me or haven't seen me since the late eighties, I'm Phil, this one's older brother. Now I've not done this before, but I understand that one is supposed to begin with a joke. Sadly, I only know one, so here it is. It's in two parts. The first part is, what do you call a pig with three eyes? The answer is piiig. The second part is, what do you call a fish with no eyes. I can tell you're way ahead of me on this one, yes, it's a fsh. Pretty lame I know, but what else can you expect from a chap who's spent nearly nine years in children's television?!

Apart from our dear aged parents, I've known Andy longer than anyone. I was only two when he was born mind, and don't remember much about it. The story goes that he decided to make his entrance into the world immediately after a particularly exciting Tom Jones concert on the telly. It wasn't exciting for him of course, he couldn't see it, but mum could, and that, apparently, was enough to start the ball rolling. Unfortunately Andy was upside down at the time, and eventually had to be brought out through the round window as it were. It's not unusual for babies to be born this way of course: everyone's doing it now that Posh Spice has. But this was 1969: neither Posh or Becks had been born, let alone been to Brooklyn.

1969 was a great year though: the first test-tube baby was conceived, Monty Python's Flying Circus aired for the first time, Karen's country put a man on the moon, and I got a dog named Cindy. And a younger brother of course, though I never had to watch him giving birth to eleven puppies on the lawn that backed onto the conservatory! That conservatory was a great place for two (and eventually three) small boys to play in though: I know, I've still got the scars! See this? You probably can't, but I got this when Andy and I were playing in the conservatory and accidentally pulled a shelf unit containing nothing but a jar of beetroot down on top of us. The jar smashed and about a gallon of beetroot juice flooded the place. You can imagine what mum thought when she found the pair of us flailing around in a pool of broken glass and beetroot juice! Luckily, neither of us were seriously hurt, though to this day when people ask me, I tell them I got the scar "when my brother Andy hit me with a milk bottle". It's not true, but it does paint him as a bit of a Vinnie Jones-style hardman, and I think he quite likes that! I don't know if you knew this actually, but Andy has a couple of knuckles "missing" on his left hand. This was the result of a swift left hook dealt to a local thug who, having no idea that Andy was left handed, approached him as he sat in the passenger seat of a friend's car and made a couple of shall we say disparaging remarks. Andy beckons him over, winds down the window and bam! knocks the guy out cold. Bit of a safety tip for you karen: if you're ever out in Tulsa and it looks like there's gonna be trouble, stay on his right side!

So the years roll by and Andy follows me first through school, and then thru Warwick University, getting bigger and fitter by the day. We didn't see that much of each other there: I was in my final year when he arrived, and a poncy arts student to boot. I didn't want some hulking great first year engineer dragging me and my artsy-farty friends back down to earth! I imagine he felt the same way about me mind, and can only guess what he made of me and my loony-lefty chums. After three years at Warwick, Andy went out into the world and ended up, you've guessed it, in cement. And he's been there ever since. Good thing too, because if he hadn't, he'd never have met the lovely Karen, and I'd never have had the chance to make this speech. Or read out these messages..

Finally then, you'll have noticed on Andy and Karen's wedding invitation, beneath two fluttering love-birds, a legend that says "love is the bond that holds two hearts together". It's a beautiful sentiment, but I have to say that in this case I think it's more likely to be cement!! So, I'd be grateful if you'd join me in a toast to cement, to love, to Andy and Karen, the new Mr and Mrs Sxxxxxx, and what we hope will be a long and happy marriage…

Andy and Karen